>Chapter Eighteen : A Moral Dilemma or Two > TOM: Uh-oh. >The phone rang. TOM: The Rangers had a phone installed? JOEL: [makes phone noise] Remember? CROW: Don't remind us. > Monty picked it up, CROW: Monty really is that desperate. > straining to listen over the roar of >the TV, which was showing one of Dale's monster films. TOM: Gadget had been monitoring Dale's mind as part of an experiment. > >"'Ello, Rescue Rangers," he said. "Jürgen? ... CROW: [JÜRGEN] Sorry about trying to kill you. Anyway - > Well, how bad is 'e? ... CROW: [JÜRGEN] He's saying he wants to live. TOM: [MONTY] Ah. Delirious. >Roight. Wait, let me get this down. TOM: [MONTY] I can never remember recipes. > Your GPS fix is 30.319 north, >67.816 west, course 265, an' yer makin' 20 knots. TOM: [MONTY] You'll be gettin' your merit badge in a blink. > 'Scuse me one >moment." Chip, Dale and Zipper were staring at him. CROW: [CHIP] When did we get a phone installed? > "Guys, we got what >you'd call a moral dilemma." TOM: [MONTY] But I'd call it - an opportunity t' settle scores. > >"A mayday from someone who was trying to kill us last week?" Chip >sighed deeply. JOEL: [CHIP] Plot Contrivance # 212 - Nowak, you disappoint me. > "We can't really say no, CROW: [DALE] Sure we can! ALL: No! > but I don't want to go charging >into this. JOEL: [CHIP] We'll pay cash or do without. > Where's Gadget?" > >"She's sitting over-" Dale started, pointing at an empty chair. CROW: [DALE] She's... invisible! Must be wearing a diaper. > >The mail box they used as a hangar door opened with a clang. > >"She's charging into this," Chip snapped, vaulting off the chair. JOEL: [CHIP] And she has *my* card! > >Monty was frozen. TOM: Mr. Freeze! > He dropped the phone and sprinted after Chip. > CROW: [CHIP] Big sale on cheese! >Dale picked up the phone. "Captain Jürgen? Dale here. Look, CROW: [DALE] Do you have any idea when we got a phone? We're stumped. > we're >having a little conference ... would you mind if we called you back?" CROW: [DALE] No? You're "Back". Ha ha. Gets 'em every time. > >A few moments later, Dale sauntered into the hangar. He carried a bowl >of popcorn under one arm, and settled in to observe the conversation. TOM: He knew the anger would soon turn to violence, and he wanted to watch. > >"She built a WHAT?!" Chip screamed at Monty. > >"'Oming torpedo," Monty repeated himself. CROW: [CHIP] Thank goodness. I thought you said "homing torpedo". > >"And you didn't tell us?" > >"Well, I thought she was ... jest keepin' busy," Monty said lamely. TOM: You know, even for Monty -- > >"Monty," Chip said quietly, "People write fan fiction to keep busy. CROW: Or to inflict pain on others. >They do not build torpedoes to keep busy." > >"Gadget would," Dale interjected. > >Monty nodded. "You gotta admit 'e's right. Gadget would." TOM: Gadget would admit Dale's right? > >Chip took in a sharp breath. "I concede the point." JOEL: Characterization. How did that get in there? > >Gliding on velvet soft wings, Foxglove, a pretty young bat who had >first met the Rangers when she was a evil witch's familiar, TOM: In a tale of betrayal and redemption not unlike _Crime and Punishment_ -- CROW: Stop it. TOM: Make me. > swooped >down to the tallest oak tree in the park, alighting on the landing >strip. JOEL: [FOXGLOVE] It's a good thing oak trees grow landing strips. > Her sensitive hearing CROW: Was so depressed by the story so far it had left her, leaving her to starve. > had picked up the argument between Chip >and Monty some distance off, and since she was up early anyway, she >thought she would see what was going on. JOEL: Watching your friends argue is fun! > >Monty and Chip were arguing violently, while Dale sat and munched >popcorn. TOM: Years of TV had turned Dale's soul into a twisted and passive lump. > "Hi, honey," she said and sat next to him, helping herself to >a kernel of Dale's snack. Foxglove was never shy about the fact she >considered Dale both tasty and eligible. JOEL: [FOXGLOVE] I'm naughty, you know. > She finished her popcorn in >two bites and took a second kernel. CROW: Red hot popcorn-chompin' action! > >"Afternoon, Foxy." > >"What's going on?" JOEL: Oh my God... recap incoming! [ALL duck for cover.] > >"Well, Gadget's taken the Ranger Wing to respond to a mayday. Crewmole >on a submarine needs to be taken to a hospital." [TOM reappears.] TOM: False alarm, guys. > >"And she went alone?" [CROW pops up.] CROW: [DALE] She didn't want to inflict the climax on her friends. > >"Yep. It's almost certainly a trap, because the sub's owned by an evil >megalomaniac who just tried to kill us." TOM: Joel, it's safe. This recap really isn't that bad. JOEL: [from cover] No, I'll just wait until it's over. > >Foxglove started. CROW: But her battery was dead. > "And she went out alone so she wouldn't endanger any >of you? That's so noble." TOM: No, Joel, really. He's got a character who doesn't know what happened asking leading questions. It's not like a six-page monologue. > >Dale swallowed popcorn. "Well, maybe not, because she brought along >this torpedo she built." JOEL: I know this writer, and I fear him. > >Foxglove blinked. "Gadget's going to sink a submarine that just gave a >distress call?" > >"It looks that way," Dale agreed. CROW: [FOXGLOVE] Isn't that, like, bad? > >"Isn't that a violation of the Geneva Convention?" Foxglove asked. She >wasn't sure how she felt about her blonde mouse friend committing a war >crime. TOM: I'd feel good, because it would make me shine by comparison. Kind of like how Crow makes me look smarter. CROW: Hey! > >Dale lifted a single finger and hastened to choke down a mouthful of >popcorn. "Technically, no," he explained. [TOM and CROW vibrate madly.] BOTS: AAAAAAAUGH!! > "While the Geneva Convention >outlaws arming and attacking rescue vehicles, it goes on to specify >that the owners of those vehicles must mark them clearly with one of >five recognized symbols, the most famous of which is a red cross on a >white background." JOEL: What happened? TOM: NOWAK'S EXPLAINING SOMETHING! JOEL: GET DOWN HERE BEFORE IT'S -- > >"And the Rescue Rangers logo is not one of these symbols. [Smoke begins to pour out of TOM's head. CROW dives for cover.] > Still, that's >a little ruthless for her, TOM: [recovering] No duh. > isn't it? Who's aboard the sub?" Foxglove >asked, wondering who could spark such fury in Gadget. [JOEL pops back up.] JOEL: You okay, Tommy? > >"Her twin sister, Widget." TOM: Oh, sure. It got close there for a moment, but my keen mind prevailed. > >Waboom. CROW: [pops up] Was that Tom? JOEL: No. CROW: [disappointed] Oh. JOEL: Now we have to riff on a "Waboom". ALL: MONTY! > >"Gadget has a twin sister?" CROW: [FOXGLOVE] Is she seeing anybody? > >"She didn't know until last week. Monty dropped Widget into the river >when she was a baby." TOM: [DALE] He's kind of goofy that way. > >"He what?" > >"It was an accident," Dale shrugged. "Stuff happens." TOM: [DALE] Especially when I'm around. > >"So what are you doing?" TOM: [DALE] Recap. Why? > >"Chip is blaming Monty for not telling us about the torpedo. Monty's >yelling at Chip for spending all his time recently interviewing cats. >Zipper CROW: Who? > is looking disgusted, JOEL: Along with the audience. > and I'm explaining this all to you." > >"I mean, something productive." Her voice was a little harsh. TOM: Even *Foxglove* is grumpy? JOEL: The Nowakverse has hardened her. > >Dale shrugged again. "Gadget took the Wing, which is faster than the >Ranger Plane, which has been cut in half and is at the bottom of the >bay. TOM: That would slow it down, yes. > Zipper can't catch up to the Wing, and neither can you. CROW: [DALE] So there! > If we call >Widget on the sub to warn her about Gadget, Widget will shoot her down. >And, of course, if it is a trap, then Gadget's justified in sinking the >sub. If it isn't a trap, things get murky. The way I see it, we have a TOM: [DALE] Few minutes to decide before "Reboot" comes on. >moral dilemma." > >"I'm sorry," Foxglove said. "I picked a really bad day to drop in, huh?" > >Dale shook his head. "About normal, I guess." JOEL: Now I'm getting depressed. > >Chapter Nineteen : Chip & Dale Talk About Munitions [Stunned silence.] JOEL: Talk about *what?* TOM: Talk about *What?* CROW: Talk about *WHAT?!* > >Dale got up. Somebody had to derail the speeding train of acrimony, and >Foxglove had shamed him into it, even though it seemed like trying to >stop a horse by blocking it, which is almost guaranteed to fail when >you're a chipmunk. TOM: But it was beginning to seem like a good way to end it all. > >"What I don't understand," he said loudly enough for Monty and Chip to >hear, "is how Gadget expects to sink Albacore CROW: Balti - oh, heck, the joy's gone out of it. > with a 14.5 round. That's >gotta be smaller than the .22 bullet Widget shot at us, right?" TOM: I smell some more technical explanations. CROW: Or Joel forgot to change his socks again. JOEL: Hey. > >"No, Dale," Chip explained patiently. "That's fourteen point five >millimeters and twenty-two hundredths of an inch. The 14.5 is much >bigger." TOM: At least it didn't take him long. > >"The 14.5mm is about 160 times as powerful as a .22 round," Monty added. >He had been researching the 14.5mm Soviet recently. TOM: Why, you may ask? Who cares! > "Any bigger, an' >you're a cannon." CROW: Wait - I'm bigger than 14.5mm. > >"Twenty-two hundredths of an inch?" Dale asked with a frown. "Funny, but >it looked bigger when she was pointing it at me." > >"Bullets usually do," Chip agreed. JOEL: [sighs] > >"They measure diameter, lad," Monty explained. "A 14.5mm round is about >155mm long." CROW: Look, could you wake me up after the miasma of boring technodrivel? JOEL: Sure. [CROW snores loudly throughout the next.] > >"Oh. Fifteen millimeters is about like this, right?" Dale asked, holding >his hands thirteen millimeters apart. "But the big round thing I saw >Gadget working on was about this thick," he said, spreading his hands >another ten millimeters. TOM: I call not fair. Why does he get to take a nap? JOEL: He asked first. > >"A Soviet fourteen point five millimeter machine gun round is act'ally >twenty five millimeters in diameter," Monty agreed. "It's necked. The >bullet is only -" TOM: You mean I can't go to sleep? JOEL: Tom, you're a robot. > >Perceiving that Dale's mind was close to a general protection fault, >Chip cut in. "Dale," he asked, "Did you get the number of that sub?" TOM: But Crow's a robot. Why does he nap? JOEL: I dunno. Wake him up and ask. > >Chapter Twenty : Reconstruction TOM: Crow, buddy, wake up. It's over. CROW: *Bzzzsnrk* -- Huh? > >"Captain Jürgen?" Chip asked the microphone sitting in front of him. "My >name's Chip. We met briefly." JOEL: [CHIP] While you were trying to kill me. > >"Yes, sir," Jürgen said politely. "What can I do for you?" JOEL: [CHIP] I'm going to recall the rescue plane unless you quack like a duck over the ship's loudspeakers. > >Chip exhaled slowly. "First, I'd like to tell you that a rescue aircraft >has been dispatched. It should reach you within two hours." > >"Thank you, sir." > >It may open fire on you, but it'll be there... JOEL: Good old Chip - looking on the bright side as usual. > "May I speak with Widget, >please? It's important, and I'm afraid it's personal." TOM: [CHIP] Hi, Widget. I'm really annoyed you tried to kill me. > >There was a pause. "One moment, please." TOM: [WIDGET] I know - you take it and pretend you're me, and we'll see how long we can fool him. BOTS: [Giggle conspiratorially] > >Monterey, Dale, Zipper and Foxglove stood in a semicircle behind Chip. >Monty was nervously drumming his fingers TOM: Ringo Starr! > - watching, Foxglove recalled a >moment the month before. JOEL: Back when life had meaning. > Monty was helping Gadget stand up, and Foxy had >suddenly noticed that Gadget's entire hand was smaller than two of >Monty's fingers. She also recalled the affection that flowed between >them; CROW: Between Monty's fingers? TOM: "I love you, index finger." CROW: "I love you, pinky." JOEL: They're Disney toons. They don't have pinkies. CROW: Wrong production company? > Gadget didn't need help standing up, and Monty knew it, but he >couldn't resist a chance to offer and she couldn't refuse any gift from >him, no matter how trivial. TOM: Was that supposed to be heartwarming? JOEL: I can't tell any more. The cockles of my heart have been frozen solid. > >"Widget here," came the voice out of the Walkman headphones Gadget had >rigged as stereo loudspeakers. "I'd like to thu - thu - thank you for >sending help so quickly." The grinding of her teeth was barely audible. CROW: She's such a good sport. > >"You're welcome," Chip said calmly. "May I presume on your gratitude and >time?" > >A confused silence. "Very well," she said cautiously. TOM: [CHIP] First, promise not to kill me. > >"I've found some interesting issues concerning what happened on the >bridge. JOEL: [CHIP] Did you know two civilians named Bernie and Gidget were there when you sank the Miniscule? > I'd like to share them with you." TOM: [CHIP] Would you believe you can make up to $30,000 by posting a simple message on the Internet? It's true, and let me tell you how.... > >Widget sighed. "You expect me to believe that you've uncovered startling >new evidence which proves my father didn't abandon me?" > >"At least hear me out." CROW: Looks like Widget made a good guess there. JOEL: She must be reading ahead. > >"You have my undivided attention." Her voice turned silky. CROW: [WIDGET] The cost is $2.95 for the first minute, and $1.50 for each additional minute. > "I assume >you'll point out there was no reason to abandon me when it would have >been easy to kill me?" JOEL: [WIDGET] I've been reading ahead, you know. > >Chip inhaled deeply. "No, ma'am, I will not." > >Monty jerked, staring at Chip. TOM: [MONTY] You're ad-libbing? > >"Although that sounds reasonable, a little thought CROW: [MONTY] And I'm good at little thoughts. TOM: No, I think this is Chip. He hasn't said "Too-ra-loo!" yet. JOEL: Hey, I don't think Monty's said "too-ra-loo" in this fanfic yet. And for noticing something good, you get a ram chip! > shows that's a false >line of logic. Actual infanticide is very rare. What is more common, >both historically and today, is exposing infants. TOM: Maybe it's just me, but I can't see Chip saying these words. CROW: Too depressing? TOM: Too many syllables. > I found some laws from >Roman occupied Egypt describing adoption and inheritance rights of >infants which had been exposed but were then taken and raised by other >people. JOEL: I find it very hard to imagine Chip reading "Egypt Under Roman Rule". TOM: He must have read it while waiting for Monty to check out "Russian Bullets Best Suited for Mice". > Today, consider the baby in a dumpster syndrome, and the >stereotype of the baby left on the doorstep. Geegaw's and Monty's >alleged abandonment of you is entirely typical." > >"Chip," Monty started. CROW: [MONTY] Roight! Who are you, an' what 'ave you done with my little mate Chipper? > >Dale elbowed Monty. "Give him a chance." TOM: [DALE] He's going for an Emmy. > >"So why in the river?" Widget asked dubiously. JOEL: [CHIP] Because there's no canyons on Manhattan. > >"Why not the river? Think of Moses. You couldn't be left anywhere >nearby, because an albino, one armed, newborn, female, mouse would be >entirely too easy to trace. Your version of events is internally >consistent and logical. CROW: [CHIP] So it's okay for you to kill your sister. > In fact, it could be argued you must have been >placed on a raft since your survival otherwise is so unlikely." > >"What are you doin' -" Monty began. CROW: [CHIP] Telling her it's okay to kill her sister - oh, wait.... > >Chip hit the cough button. "Monty, quiet!" he snapped. The anger that >spilled out showed just how nervous the chipmunk was, despite his calm >behavior on the mike. JOEL: Who's Mike? TOM: After your time. JOEL: How would you know? TOM: It's a bilocation thing. You see, by transcending normal macro causality - JOEL: Tom, don't explain. I'm not in the mood. > >What Chip did was convince Widget she was speaking to someone who CROW: Was even crazier than she was. > would >at least try to keep close to the truth. Which was essential for what >Chip was trying to do. CROW: End the fanfic and any possibility of a sequel. > >"All right," Widget said guardedly. "What's the catch?" ALL: Twenty-two! > >"The catch is that what you know supports two opposed scenarios. First, >yours, that your father abandoned you and Monty was an accomplice. Then, >mine, that Monty's description of how it happened is correct and that it >was a horrible accident." TOM: [CHIP] Third, that you're not actually related to Gadget at all! > >"You just admitted Monty's is yours," she said with a smile. > >"Should I insult your intelligence JOEL: [WIDGET] Oh, please - I really like having my intelligence insulted. TOM: [CHIP] We're going to have a happy ending. JOEL: [WIDGET] Sure. > and deny it?" Chip pointed out. "I >know Monterey and I cannot imagine him helping a friend expose a >daughter. He would have adopted you first. TOM: [CHIP] So, you lucked out. > Even granting that he's >changed down the years, TOM: [CHIP] Gotten fatter. > he would not lie about it now, not to me, and >certainly not to you. In my opinion, the Monty I know would accept >responsibility for his past actions." TOM: The Monty I know would not. JOEL: Well... little things, no. But big things, like infanticide -- TOM: [furiously] The Monty I know wouldn't be involved in infanticide, *because none of the writers would be crazy enough to put him in a situation where he had to deal with it!* > >"So we've reached an impasse." Widget's hand hovered near the hangup >button. Then she remembered the rescue aircraft might be recalled CROW: To the factory because they forgot wings. TOM: If Gadget built it, she's probably right. > - Andy >needed these people, and she owed it to him to be polite to Chip. > >The possibility he was stalling for time occurred to her - only to be >dismissed. There wasn't any reason to lie to keep them surfaced, when >they knew Albacore's course, speed, and position. CROW: [WIDGET] Now I am paranoid - it's not like there's an attack plane with a torpedo heading towards us, tee hee. > >"Have we? Let's consider what we both know: you fell into the river." > >"I was thrown into the river." Her voice was cold and angry. TOM: A subtle distinction, to be sure. > >"With all respect ma'am, that is an assumption. The fact is you were in >the river. Do you agree?" > >There was a long pause. "Yes, I agree." CROW: The conversation was beginning to remind Widget of a chat with Kenneth Starr. > >"And, in fact, the only real difference between your falling in the >river accidentally and being thrown into the river is the intent of the >person who did it?" TOM: [CHIP] And from this, we arrive at the principle of free will and ethics - > >Widget frowned. She felt as though she was wandering into a trap, but >she couldn't see it. "Yes, I agree." > >"That's where we disagree, ma'am." > >Widget blinked. "What?" CROW: [WIDGET] He's ad-libbing? > >"Imagine yourself in Geegaw's position - assuming it was an accident for >a moment. You've jumped into the river with your newborn daughter. Your >other newborn daughter is missing. What's the first thing you do?" > >Monty inhaled sharply. CROW: [CHIP] Wrong, Monty. Your lungs would fill with water and you'd sink. > >"I'd look for the other baby." > >"You can't find her." > >"Then ... I'd warm Gadget up. Bird in the hand." CROW: [WIDGET] I'd set fire to her blanket. > >"Exactly." Chip took in a deep breath. "Ma'am, he took Gadget back to >the hospital. Hospital records show Gadget was re-admitted into the >waiting room about thirty eight minutes after the two of you were >discharged. She is described as having some water in her lungs." JOEL: And on her brain. > >There was a short pause. "I think you'll agree, ma'am, that holding a >newborn underwater would be an easily avoidable risk in the scenario you >proposed. All they had to do was say Monterey and Geegaw split up, with >Monty going over the bridge." > >Chip waited for a response. Widget's hand clenched into a fist, tighter >and tighter. TOM: Left hand or right hand? > >"You're lying," Widget snarled. TOM: [CHIP] Well, you got me. I was lying about the rescue plane, too. Ha ha! > >Chip inhaled deeply twice. Foxglove looked at him, knowing he was about >to explode. Chip's temper wasn't the best. > >"Ma'am, I'm aware it must seem that way to you. But please keep in mind >I cannot show you the documentation. TOM: [CHIP] Kinko's is closed, and I can't find a fax machine. > I found three doctors, four nurses, >and eight former workers who either saw the incident or recall hearing >about it." TOM: [CHIP] They're all dead, but in Meghan's universe, that's not a big deal. > Foxglove blinked, astonished that Chip had not gone >ballistic. > >"And where was Monty during all this?" JOEL: In the library with Professor Plum and a revolver. > >"He was looking for you, ma'am. Everyone who could be spared left the >hospital. CROW: To make a pizza run. > Monty refused to change into dry clothes until the middle of >the next morning. TOM: [CHIP] It still being Wednesday, after all. > He was showing symptoms of hypothermia, and also >received treatment. I have those records as well." JOEL: [CHIP] I can't show them to you, but you can trust me. Would I lie to save the life of the mouse I love? > >Widget fell silent. > >"Ma'am, are you still there?" > >"Yes... yes, sorry." She gulped twice. CROW: [WIDGET] I'll... just go away now. Sorry for bothering you. > >"And then there's the matter of eyewitness testimony." > >Monty frowned. "Nobody saw..." and trailed off when realization dawned on >him. JOEL: [MONTY] If you define force as change in momentum, you can easily calculate the speed of an object undergoing acceleration close to the speed of light! > >Chip looked up. CROW: At his cue card. > >"Of course somebody saw, Monterey," sounded a dead voice from the >earphones. "You expect me to believe you found the cat after all these >years?" JOEL: [WIDGET] Next you'll expect me to believe in talking mice. > >"Ma'am, cats are longer lived than mice. In addition, unlike dogs, cats >tend to have small, specific hunting areas." > >"They're pelagic," Widget agreed. CROW: Isn't it weird how the writer can forget to look up a word, and make all his characters look pretty stupid? JOEL: It's a fearsome responsibility. > >"Finally, ma'am, cats are not modest, and if you ask them in just the >right way, they'll tell mouse stories for hours." Chip swung a memo >recorder up on the desk. "The first voice you're going to hear, ma'am, >is Spunky. He's TOM: [CHIP] Our enforcer on the West Side. > a young cat who was kind enough to lend us a paw." > >Chip tapped the play button. CROW: The theme music of "Babylon 5" came out. JOEL: [CHIP] Dale, did you record over my evidence again? TOM: [DALE] I'm sorry! But the Minbari Civil War - > >"Wow, Mr. Mungo. I'll bet you frightened half the mice to death." > >"Well, Spunky," chuckled the voice of a cat who had seen better days, JOEL: And better fanfics, > "I >probably shouldn't brag about it, but TOM: [MR. MUNGO] I will. > one night I remember I chased two >mice right off that bridge. They took one look at me coming and they >jumped right off. Two males, and one of them was pretty big..." > >Chip hit Stop. CROW: Thank you. > "Mr. Mungo didn't remember the exact date, but recalls it >was early summer, many years ago." > >"Of course, you realize I don't believe you." JOEL: [CHIP] Oh well. Bye! > >"I can understand that, ma'am. I'm prepared to meet you alone, CROW: Wait. Is he asking her out? > or on >your boat, with copies of the documentation." He hesitated, and licked >his lips. "I'm not offended, ma'am," he lied. "I understand you have >prejudices too." > >Widget snapped at the phone. "You're saying I want my father to have >thrown me out with the trash? You're saying this doesn't ... hurt when I >think about it?" JOEL: "Mourning Becomes Widget". > >"Ma'am, there's a satisfaction in fighting evil, especially when we win. >I understand it hurts to think your father never loved you. But it also >hurts to think how narrowly you missed having all that." TOM: [CHIP] So suffer a little. C'mon, let me hear you cry. > >"Thank you, sir. I'll consider -" CROW: [WIDGET] A new and crunchy death for you. > >"You're an engineer, ma'am. You like to see causes and results. I can >understand it must hurt to think that losing your father was the result >of blind chance, bad luck, like your arm." > >"My father -" Widget started. JOEL: [WIDGET] Is alive and well, running a bar in Florida. I've been trying to tell you this is the wrong number! > >"Is dead." Chip finished. "Ma'am, he's dead, dead, dead. He never knew >you, JOEL: [singing] If I never knew you.... > and he'll never know you. But this thing you have going with your >sister - I think it's taken on a life of its own. And whose fault is >that, ma'am?" TOM: Chip's a natural diplomat, isn't he? > >There was a long silence. > >"Ma'am?" Chip asked again. The line was still open. > >"Chip?" asked Jürgen's voice. > >"Sir?" CROW: [CHIP] What, you're using my first name now?! > >"Widget's unable to come to phone just now," Jürgen said smoothly. "She >asked me to thank you again for the rescue plane. Thank you, sir." > >"Good bye, sir," Chip replied automatically. He hung up. TOM: When he realized how much this call was going to cost. > >Chip rested his head and arms on the table. The tension and fear came >bubbling to the surface as the chipmunk started shaking. Dale wordlessly >put an arm around his friend. > >"What if she didn't believe me, Dale?" Chip asked. "What if I just got >her more angry?" TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] Oh, gee, Chip, what makes you think that could happen? > >Jürgen hugged Widget gently, stroking her hair while she cried over bad >luck and lost opportunities. JOEL: [WIDGET] I almost had that part in _Evangelion,_ but they went with a Human.... > >Chapter Twenty-one : In the Hands of the Blonde Mouse ALL: [Wolf whistles and "Say no more" innuendo] > >Shiro cleared his throat. This wouldn't be easy to say. TOM: [SHIRO] "Australopithecus". > >"Ma'am," he said, his voice rough, "I've worked for a lot of evil >megalomaniacs in my time, and I wanted to tell you that you're the first >who would hold a wounded henchman's hand and let him call you 'Mommy.'" JOEL: [SHIRO] Actually, Dr. Phillips insisted we call him "Mommy". That's why I left. > >Her pink eyes regarded him. "Thank you, Mr. Shiro," she said, her voice >a little flat. "But I actually consider myself to be more of a Byronic >tragic hero." > >"Yes, ma'am," Shiro agreed immediately. He was too polite to point out >that most of his previous employers did as well. They were standing on >the Albacore's deck with ten crew posted TOM: On sticks, to inspire loyalty in the others. > as lookouts, and the injured >mole, CROW: Forced to swim alongside, while Widget laughed merrily. > waiting for the rescue plane to arrive. The sea was behaving well >today, and the crew was scanning about with binoculars. BOTS: [CREW] Hubba-hubba. JOEL: [WIDGET] Guys, you're supposed to be looking for the plane.... > "Where did you >learn that mole lullaby?" > >"I just knew it, okay?" her voice was getting a little testy. > >"Anyway, ma'am," Shiro finished, "I just wanted you to know that the >whole crew knows about it -" she groaned softly "-and we all really >appreciate it." JOEL: The affection and gratitude of her crew pained her. > >"Thanks, Shiro-san." > >"Aircraft spotted, bearing two nine niner," called a lookout. TOM: [WIDGET] That's bad. It should be bearing a pilot. > >=== > >Gadget slipped sideways to her right, starting her attack run. CROW: Her sister's life would soon be hers. The familiar cold thrill rushed through her slender body. > >She wanted the torpedo to hit square against the side of the target, but >the boat's speed would make that impossible. TOM: Mercifully, Nowak spares us a definition of "biting angle". > Instead, she would launch >it against Albacore's bow port side. The Russian machine gun bullet >would easily penetrate on a glancing blow to wreak havoc inside the >boat. JOEL: Her hand would cause the ocean's waters to run a glorious red.... > >Albacore began to slow down. CROW: Even better! > >There was a litter on deck TOM: Five hundred dollar fine. > with a mole lying in it, but Gadget had >expected that. What she hadn't expected was the large number of crewmen >on deck with him. And the way the ship slowed down, as though presenting >itself as a target. > >She put her hand on the release switch. [J&TB, led by TOM's bass voice, launch into a rendition of John Barry's "Media Vita in Morte Summus" ["In the Midst of Life We Are in Death"] from the scene in "Lion in Winter" where Henry sentences his sons to death for treason.] > >And took it away. CROW: Aw. > >She could imagine firing the weapon against a shape in the water, but >not at the people she could see on deck. Maybe she had been fooling >herself all along. TOM: It's about time, too. > >Her eyes swept the deck, and rested on her sister. CROW: Do it. Do it! > >Well, she thought, let's get this over with. And she steered the Wing >into a vertical approach. TOM: Onto her sister. > >=== > >"Gott in Himmel," hissed Jürgen. "That plane is armed. Ma'am, get >below." CROW: [WIDGET] Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? > >"If she's going to sink the boat," Widget observed mildly, "then I'm >safer out here. Besides, she's coming in for a landing." > >Widget couldn't explain her real reasons. TOM: Because they were stupid. > Jürgen would object. JOEL: Like he'd dare. > She >stepped away from the crowd, towards the aircraft. She wanted to present >a clear target. CROW: Do you suppose there's a character in this mess who doesn't yearn for oblivion? JOEL: Zipper. BOTS: Who? > >Gadget brought the Ranger Wing down, CROW: [GADGET] You were adopted. > and leapt out before the blades >stopped turning. CROW: THUNK! JOEL: Oh man, her head just flew a good -- > Ignoring her sister, she touched the face of the >shivering mole in the litter. JOEL: See? Widget throws her injured crewmen in the trash. > It's real, she thought, surprised. "Let's >load him up," she said briefly. CROW: [GADGET] I've got some yellow pills, and some red pills, and some pretty blue pills - those are my favorites.... > >"Wait," Jürgen said. "Let's get that torpedo off your plane first." JOEL: [GADGET] "Sure!" KABOOM! > >"You'll pry that torpedo out of my cold dead fingers," Gadget hissed. >"You've already shot me down once." CROW: [JÜRGEN] Oh, you're going to bring *that* up again? > >"We're not going to fire on you when you're carrying a wounded crewman," >Jürgen pointed out. JOEL: [WIDGET] Sure we will - I mean, of course we won't. > >"I wouldn't put it past her," Gadget said, pointing. "I won't launch a >torpedo after picking up a wounded crewman." CROW: [JÜRGEN] Why did you bring it? > >"It's the easiest thing in the world to launch a weapon at a shape in >the water," Jürgen contradicted her. CROW: [JÜRGEN] And I oughta know. > >"Well, yeah," Gadget admitted. He's got my number. TOM: Written on every men's room wall from -- > >Widget shook her head, as though in disgust. "Look, we can't waste time >staring at one another's weapons." CROW: Hmm. I don't think I'll say it. JOEL: You're a gentleman. > >"You have a suggestion?" Gadget and Jürgen asked simultaneously. > >Widget sighed. She didn't want to do this. "Gadget's afraid to leave >because JOEL: [WIDGET] She's chicken. [Clucking noises.] > we might shoot her down. We're afraid to let her leave because JOEL: [WIDGET] We're chicken. [Clucking noises.] >she might sink us. So I ride back with her. We won't shoot me down, and >with me captured, she doesn't have a reason to sink the Albacore." JOEL: [WIDGET] Because my heavily armed crew won't try to rescue me or anything. > >"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jürgen interrupted, making the "time out" signal >with his hands. "Remember? We sank a cruise ship last week. People are >angry at you." JOEL: [WIDGET] Oh, yeah. Look, I think that cruise ship incident's behind us. > >"Besides, I have to look at Chip's evidence," she admitted. > >"Widget," Jürgen said slowly, "He's probably lying." > >"Jürgen, I have to know. This all stops until I know one way or the >other. Clear?" > >Gadget shifted uncomfortably. She had no idea what they were talking >about. Still, it was easy to guess: Chip had found, or claimed to find, >something about Widget's past. CROW: The issue of "Pentmouse". > >Would Chip lie about something like that? Probably, if he thought it >would help me. > >"At least make her promise to let you go first," Jürgen protested. > >"Why? She'd lie," Widget pointed out. JOEL: All these claims of dishonesty. Any minute now, Widget will be accusing her parents. TOM: Uh, Joel, she did.... CROW: At least nobody has started singing. > >"I would not," Gadget snapped, looking up angrily. For some reason, a >crewmouse had asked her to autograph a video cassette labeled Mighty >Mouse, and it seemed simpler and faster to comply than to ask for an >explanation. JOEL: [CREWMOUSE] And sign this blank check? TOM: [GADGET] Sure. > >"Would too!" > >"Would not!" JOEL: Dialog second only to O'Neil at his best. > >"But..." Jürgen stood helplessly. TOM: Wondering how to get at the dialog coach. > >"There's a mole dying here, sister," Widget finally snapped. TOM: Her sister's neck, ending the story. > >Gadget took a breath. CROW: She's the asphyx! > "Right. Let's go." Gadget checked the straps >holding Andy's stretcher in the back seat of the Wing. The crewmen >standing about her blinked in astonishment, and she turned to see what >they were looking at. CROW: [GADGET] Oh, my non-muscine body? Tee hee! > >Widget had stepped close to Jürgen and was now kissing him softly on the >lips. JOEL: Mice have lips? > Jürgen was getting over the surprise, and was holding her gently. >She pulled back, smiled, and touched his nose. TOM: With a crowbar. > >"I be bock," she said in a bad imitation of Schwartzmaus. > >He smiled and laughed. "Promise?" CROW: No, real butter. > >She shook her head. "You know I can't." JOEL: [WIDGET] I'm... flighty. > >A second quick kiss and she was walking towards the Wing. TOM: Of course, she kissed another crewman, making Jürgen wonder.... > >=== > >They made the first half of the trip in total silence. CROW: Aside from the wails of agony from the mole, but they both found it strangely soothing. > >"Any infection on the ear?" Gadget asked. > >"Didn't even need stitches." > >"Pity." TOM: Right. It's Luwhannie. Everything makes sense now. CROW: You mean "Lahwhiney". JOEL: I thought it was "Lawhinie". TOM: Look, can we debate about it later? I hear they have a webpage that's solely devoted to how the name is spelled. > >"Sorry to disappoint you. You've got a few lumps," Widget observed. CROW: [GADGET] I like my coffee sweet. > >"Getting better. The swelling's down. He's old enough to be your >father," Gadget heard herself say. > >Widget glanced over at her. "Older men are nicer." TOM: Alice Walker? > >"They are?" Gadget blinked. > >"You didn't know?" there was something faintly mocking in her tone. CROW: She's mocking the sexual innocence of a Disney character? > >"Well," Gadget said, her face starting to burn, "Some of us have certain >values -" > >"Some of us can't get a boy-friend," Widget chanted gleefully. JOEL: You're right, Crow. > >"I had a boyfriend!" > >"Mommy?" asked Andy, interrupting them. > >"Pardon me," Widget snorted to her sister. She turned around in her >seat, and continued in a very different voice. "Honey mole?" she asked >gently. TOM: In her maternal, nurturing scraping brick voice. > >"I'm cold, Mommy." CROW: [WIDGET] Shut up or we'll turn this plane around. > >Widget leaned against Andy, warming him with her body heat. "Better?" > >"Uh-huh." The mole sighed contentedly. TOM: Oh please. You know he's faking this to cop a feel. > >"Can you sleep if I sing you a song?" > >"Okay." TOM: [WIDGET] Oh, Fortuna, velut Luna, statu variabilis.... > >"Little mole, God gave to you, >lots of dirt to tunnel through. >Eat your worms, from tip to end. >Recall the Cat is not your friend. >Beware the Hawk, and tunnel deep. >But now's the time for you to sleep." CROW: So the theory is that singing about how mice and hawks eat you will help the kids sleep? JOEL: Hey, the humans kids are taught a prayer with the line, "If I should die before I wake". It's the parents revenge code. > >Widget remained twisted into an uncomfortable position for some time, >before Andy's breath TOM: Quivered and died. > became regular. Bones creaking, she sat back down >next to her sister, and folded her arms angrily. > >Gadget thought. She was trying to kill you last week. Like you wanted to >kill her. CROW: What's that smell? JOEL: A Message. > >Where do those sides of us come from? What makes us decide which side to >show? Gadget thought back to the last few days, and knew she didn't want >to live like that. TOM: At least not until the sequel, when her long-lost nephew comes for revenge! > Even though it was self defense. > >"Where were we before Andy interrupted?" Widget asked. > >"You were mocking me for my romance free lifestyle, and I was about to >brag about a disastrous relationship in an attempt to sound more >experienced than I am." > >"I remember. You said, 'I had a boyfriend.' I suppose I should make fun >of the fact there was only one, and then you can say at least you knew >his name." TOM: Yeah, that'll wow 'em at Disney. > >Gadget sighed. "I'm sorry, Widget, but I don't want to hurt you any >more." JOEL: [GADGET] But I would like to hurt you again. > >"I'm glad. I'd like to call a truce. Your Chip claims he can prove our >father didn't try to kill me, and I'd like to see the evidence." > >"Why does that make such a difference?" Gadget asked, guarded. > >"Gadget... I don't know. I mean, I did things when I was younger. CROW: [WIDGET] It was only a few pictures, and I needed the money. >Sometimes to live, sometimes because I wanted something, or because I >thought it would get me friends. And I always knew they were wrong, but >I thought it was all someone else's fault I had to do them." She shook >her head. Her voice was sad and tired. "You get an image of yourself, >you know? But I guess it's just been me all along." CROW: Forced to confront her own guilt for her ruined life, she vaults over the side of the plane. JOEL: What ruined life? She started from a neglectful household and built her own submarine! > >"Do you know Andy well?" Gadget asked. > >"Not particularly." Widget shrugged. "He's a stoker TOM: Bram Stoker. > - power plant crew." > >"Then why be so nice to him? He won't remember it when he's better, he's >not important enough to flatter, and nobody expects it of you." > >"I don't know," Widget admitted. "It just came out." > >"Widget," Gadget said, and her voice suddenly cracked, "I don't know >what Chip found. But our father couldn't have abandoned you, any more >than you could keep it from 'coming out.' He couldn't have done it to a >stranger. CROW: [GADGET] Abandonment is reserved strictly for close family. > If you believe Jürgen loves you, why can't you believe our >father loved you? You're worthy of it." JOEL: Finally. A moment of sanity. > >"What..." Widget said slowly, asking the question she suddenly felt needed >an answer, "What was our father like?" > >Gadget smiled. "I think my earliest memory is being hugged to a bomber >jacket and smelling gasoline. CROW: [GADGET] He was always setting me on fire. Ah, fun! > No matter what I did or how I felt, I >always knew he would help me, even if all he could do was make me feel >better. He was so proud of me." > >"Bomber jacket, huh?" Widget smiled to herself. TOM: [WIDGET] Did he kill lots of people? > >"We had a steady stream of riffraff and out of work airmen moving >through our house all the time. CROW: [GADGET] I became a woman in my mid teens. > He spent two weeks in the Atlantic after >he went down trying to fly feline leukemia medication to the Azores. >Unfortunately, he was a bold pilot, and you know about old, bold pilots. >I think he'd be proud of you, Widget. Because you're a crackerjack >engineer, and because of the stuff that just comes out of you." > >Widget grunted. JOEL: She forgot her lines. > >"Where did you learn a mole song?" > >"I used to live next to a mole burrow," Widget explained. "I heard them >every night." > >"And you never complained about the noise?" JOEL: [WIDGET] No, I just killed them. > >"I liked it." > >"Are you still in touch with your, uh, boyfriends?" JOEL: [WIDGET] Do long-range tactical nukes count? > >Widget was silent for a while. "Truth be told, they were all disasters. >You're probably smart for avoiding it. Jürgen, well, that just started >today and I'm scared to death." > >"Jürgen seems a good man." TOM: [GADGET] So what do *you* see in him? > >"Would our daddy approve?" JOEL: Like it really matters. > >"Golly, I never knew him to bear a grudge. I know he would have >disapproved of my boyfriend. Our father was a wonderful judge of >character. I always envied that in him. Did your boyfriends ever break >your inventions and claim it was accidental?" TOM: Waitwaitwaitwait!! This is great! [JOEL and CROW stare at him.] TOM: Don't you guys see? That reference places this in the same continuity as "Gadget and Goliath", which was totally off about how the Rangers formed! It would never have been able to take place with the real Rangers! JOEL: So this whole fanfic, then-- CROW: Doesn't exist! It's not real! We're in the clear! [Wild cheering noises.] > >Widget smiled. "Yours too?" > >"We've got other family, you know," Gadget explained. > >"No... no, I didn't." Something that obvious had never occurred to Widget >before. TOM: I get it - she's stupid. > >"My mother's side, mostly. They don't approve of me." > >"Why not?" > CROW: [GADGET] Because I'm in all the fanfics of the Rangers, while they have to wait for _Sisters_ to be finished. >"Because nice girls don't tinker with engine parts." > >Widget grinned. "You have got to be putting me on." > >"Not at all. Cousin Gidget? JOEL: [WIDGET] Sally Field? > She doesn't know the difference between a >SPARC workstation and a spark plug." > >Widget pounded the instrument panel and choked back laughter. CROW: It tasted like bile in her mouth. > >"I think I like you as a sister," Gadget finally decided. JOEL: See, they grow closer by denigrating others. TOM: Like us? JOEL: Uhm... yeah. > >"Uhm," Widget coughed, and looked forward, clearly nervous. "Uh, >mutual." > >"You know," Gadget said, clearing her throat, "maybe you should talk to >dad about this." > >Widget blinked at her sister. "He's kinda dead, Gadget." CROW: "So are you," said Gadget as she pressed the ejection switch. > >"Uh-huh. Once we drop off your friend, do you wanna visit him?" TOM: Permanently? > >"I guess I'm free for the evening," Widget said cautiously. TOM: Time to go, guys. JOEL: Great! I have a little exercise in mind. CROW: Be still, my beating heart... [1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... SoL] [Main deck of the Satellite of Love. JOEL stands in front of a computer showing a PowerPoint slide which reads "ENG203 Limits of Characterization: Prof. Robinson." The robots sit attentively, like students at a lecture.] JOEL: Works of art which share certain traits are called.... CROW: Plagiarism? TOM: Genre, sir? JOEL: Very good, Mr. Servo. As we all know, the existence of genre and characterization within those genres implies limits to what characters can do. CROW: Like Superman and kryptonite, sir? JOEL: A pathetic example, but acceptable. [CROW bounces excitedly at the praise]. I'll be showing you a set of PowerPoint slides which illustrate known characters in different situations, and you tell me if their behavior is appropriate or inappropriate for their genre and characterization. We start with Arnold Schwartzenegger from the first _Terminator_ movie giving Linda Hamilton a box of chocolates and a sincere apology for killing her roommate. TOM: I'd say inappropriate. JOEL: Right, Tom. Now we see Gadget building a torpedo out of a Russian machine gun bullet. TOM: Still inappropriate. JOEL: Right. Now we see Linus Van Pelt from _Peanuts_ describing the Invasion of Normandy. CROW: Inappropriate? [JOEL presses a button. Smoke starts to curl up from CROW as he vibrates. ] JOEL: Wrong, Crow, that was from the Memorial Day special, "What Have We Learned, Charlie Brown?" TOM: Sir, how about Gadget's mother's sister forcing poison down Gadget's mother's throat? JOEL: Uh... well, I liked that story. TOM: Or the discovery that Gadget's family is plotting her death? CROW: Or the Rescue Rangers helpless in the hands of a crazed serial killer? JOEL: _Sisters_ and _Rhyme and Reason_ are both good. What's your point? TOM: My point, sir, that these examples show that a good writer can break the rules and get away with it, and that these alleged rules of writing you quote oh-so-glibly are nothing more than rationalizations for disliking a work of art. Stories soar or plummet upon their own wings, and your critical guidelines have as much to do with art as margin widths! Can you not see that our lives are founded on a lie? JOEL: Mice with zip guns. [Pause.] TOM: You're right. This sucks. [Commercial sign flashes.]