>Chapter Four : A Triangle is Resolved, and A Trap Baited. > >Near the bow of the Registered Mouse Ship Minuscule, two mice in the >first spring of their youths stood; JOEL: Rather than the first spring of their elder years? CROW: I swear, if Celine Dion starts singing... > she sadly in a sun dress, he in an >impeccably tailored afternoon suit. He was visibly nervous and CROW: Retching. >attempting to conceal it; for today the beauteous Gidget TOM: How did Sally Fields get into a Ranger fanfic? CROW: Because they like her! They *really* like her! > would choose >between him and the rough, yet sturdy, young Canadian mouse in steerage. JOEL: Doesn't sound like the Canadian mouse is aware of this fact. > >"Bertie," she said sadly, "this is both the happiest and saddest day of >my life. For I must choose the One Love of my life - yet at the expense >of hurting the man who came awfully close to being the love of my life. JOEL: Bertie might want to think twice about dating a girl who calls her significant other "love of my life". TOM: Why? I think it's reminiscent of Shakespeare. JOEL: Exactly. Think of how many happy endings he wrote. TOM: Hmmm. Point taken. >One of you must be hurt, at least if we want to be accepted in polite >society." > >"Right ho," CROW: Calling her that probably wasn't the way to win her over. > Bertie nodded, his spirits ironically sinking. Darn polite >society. TOM: [BERTIE] Oh, just gee whiz drat it all! > >She turned her tear drenched face towards him. "For I do love David more >than I love life itself. Our souls are as one. And yet, Bertie, you are >obscenely rich -" and here she smiled - "and for that, I can learn to >love you!" JOEL: Hopefully Bertie's credit rating stays good. > >Joy swelled the heart in his chest. TOM: While despair shrank the heart in his calf. > "Embrace me, my darling!" cried >Bertie. CROW: And thus she plunged her fangs into his neck, draining his husk dry. TOM: After the marriage? Probably. > >=== TOM: As you can see, the bar was lowered with this fanfic. > >"Range one zero three yards," said Jürgen as Bertie and Gidget fell into >one another's arms. JOEL: How did Bertie and Gidget wind up in the sub's command bridge? CROW: Desperate for screen time, I guess. > >"Solution one hundred, CROW: They're mixing drinks? TOM: Ah! This must be the rodent version of the Exxon Valdez! > gyro angle zero, depth six inches," said Mr. >Calvert. Despite Jürgen's dislike of yards JOEL: Even he had to admit it was nice to set up the lawn chairs on weekends and watch the grass grow. > and feet, JOEL: Preferring wheels, > he had to admit the >American - built Torpedo Data Computer that used them was indisputably TOM: Built by the lowest bidder. >the cat's meow. JOEL: Would a mouse think this was a good thing? >"Status on tube four?" CROW: [CREWMAN] All out of toothpaste. > >"Iceberg-inducing warhead armed and ready, Herr Kaleun!" JOEL: I thought his name was Jürgen. CROW: Wait, here we go: "German abbreviation for 'Kapitanleutenant', roughly the equivalent of Lieutenant Commander or Commander in the US Navy." TOM: And Starfleet. JOEL: I really hate this fanfic. > The iceberg- >inducing warhead would produce a smallish mass of ice, not hard enough >to rip a steel hull. It would, however, be a good alibi. TOM: What?! JOEL: Let's see, a small mass of ice for a rodent would be equivalent to what? An ice tray? CROW: So the torpedo is actually a modified ice machine? Doesn't sound too threatening. > >Jürgen looked away from the eyepiece. "If you please, ma'am?" he asked >politely. JOEL: [JÜRGEN] Get your hands off me. > >The Gray Mouse nodded. "Proceed, Mr. Jürgen." Again, she felt annoyance >flicker over her. These continuous attempts to patronize her on the TOM: Proper way to brush and floss. >bridge she had built were beginning to get under her skin and distract >her from the beautiful act of crunchy revenge which should have her >complete attention. Odd that the thought of Jürgen patronizing her would >bother her so much. > >Jürgen turned away, disappointed. He thought she would appreciate a CROW: Punch in the snout. >chance to initiate her own plan with her own order. "Fire four." TOM: Four of what? JOEL: [Monty Pythoner in drag voice] Mrs. Nesbitt's 'aving one of 'er 'eadaches again, so I've put 'er in the torpedo tube. > A sharp >blast of pressurized air. TOM: Did what? > >"Firing four, sir." TOM: Four of what?! > >"Torpedo running, sir," said Mr. Fenton, ear pressed against his sonic CROW: The Hedgehog plastic lunch box. >transparent panel. > >The dial in the upper left corner of the TDC JOEL: The Disney Channel? TOM: Total Dysfunctional Chipmunks? CROW: Terrifying Delusions of Cornstalks? > showed a ship outline with >an arrow pointing from bow to stern, and the Forward Gyro JOEL: Good Greek food, there. > and Target JOEL: And that's not a bad department store, either. TOM: At least the sponsors got their ads over with quickly. >Bearing dials were both at zero. Albacore ALL: Baltimore! > was positioned in the path of >the RMS Minuscule, her bow directly facing that of the cruise ship. CROW: When you start telling people what the dials on a submarine's control panel mean, you've done too much research for a Rescue Rangers story! JOEL: I thought you liked technobabble. CROW: With a little less babble. >"Collision alarm," Jürgen said, lowering the periscope and stepping over >to a chair, strapping himself in. > >The Gray Mouse blinked. TOM: The Gray Mouse coughed. The Gray Mouse yawned. The Gray Mouse napped. > If she sat down, she'd be safe during the ram, >but she wouldn't look terribly cool. Nor would I look cool bouncing >around the bridge and screaming, she reasoned, and hastened to her >chair, behind and higher than Jürgen's. JOEL: Reminds me of the birthing chair from _The Handmaid's Tale_. TOM: Just be glad Jürgen isn't wearing red, then, or I'd *really* be worried. > >=== > >The lookout frantically banged a bell. "Iceberg off the starboard bow!" >he cried, whiskers trembling. CROW: Please don't let this be a "Titanic" crossover... TOM: Why not? At least then most of the characters will die. > >It was a bright noontime June day and they were within sight of one of >the most famous statues in the world, so everyone in the pilot house >assumed he was CROW: Having another LSD trip. > kidding. > >The iceberg TOM: What iceberg? You mean the ice cubes from the ice machine-turned- torpedo? CROW: [Lookout/druggie] Ice Tray off the starboard bow! > bumped across the starboard bow of the Minuscule, shattered >pieces cascading across the deck. Then the cruise ship hit the saw blade >mounted on the back of Albacore. The submarine was under water, but >shallow enough that the top of the saw blade would collide with >Minuscule. The impact lifted Minuscule higher, as she rode up above >Albacore's deck. The shock pushed Albacore ALL: Baltimore! > down and towards Minuscule's >port side. The saw blade sliced a horrible gash through the cruise >ship's bilge, from the starboard bow slanting portways, running off the >cruise ship in the rear quarter. The Atlantic poured into the engine >room. TOM: Wait. How can a fixed saw blade tear a gash in the hull of the ship? They weren't going *that* fast. JOEL: Maybe the Minuscule was made from Styrofoam and cardboard. TOM: They deserve to sink, then. > >"Gosh," said Bertie. JOEL: [JÜRGEN] Will someone get this moron out of my sub? > >Captain Badger, veteran of more years at sea than most of his crew had >in toto, CROW: So...Captain Badger got his crew from Dorothy's dog? TOM: [CREWMAN] I don't think we're in Toto anymore, boss... JOEL: Oh, I get it. He means the musical group who did the soundtrack for "Dune". > looked grimly at the plan view of his ship. Chief Engineer Rat >pointed with his pen. JOEL: [RAT] According to this script, we're supposed to believe that an iceberg was actually the cause of the damage. TOM: [BADGER] Why would we be dumb enough to believe that? JOEL: [RAT] Because then the story moves on, letting us go. TOM: [BADGER] Blast those icebergs! They breed like rabbits! > >"The bottom's been split," the water rat said. "There's flooding here, >here, and here. We've lost engine power. I rather wish I had stayed at >the river," making a weak attempt at a joke. CROW: We're used to it by now, thanks. > >"There's something wrong," the badger said, frowning. > >"Yes, sir," the engineer said patiently. JOEL: [RAT] You've got your underwear on your head again. You do this every Tuesday, remember? > "The bottom has been split -" > >"No," the captain tapped the diagram. "The iceberg TOM: [grumbling] Ice cubes. > hit on the starboard >side, but we've got damage all the way across to the port side." > >The engineer blinked. "Perhaps we broke the iceberg and ran over part of >it." He shrugged. The details didn't interest him for the time being. JOEL: Since the ship is sinking, that's probably a wise course of action. > >The captain nodded, satisfied. "Yes, we did run over something... can we >save the ship?" he asked, knowing the answer. CROW: He was psychic? > >The engineer confirmed his opinion. "No, sir. We can counterflood to >keep from rolling over, but we're going down." > >Mr. Mole, JOEL: With thoughtful names like "Mole", "Badger", and "Rat", I feel pity for any children the author may name. CROW: And these are my children; Boy, Girl, and Child. > the chief steward, burst in. "Sir," he interrupted. "The >passengers need to be told something. TOM: [MOLE] They aren't buying the fib about the toilet overflowing. > A few of the bats have already >flown for the mainland." JOEL: Like bats deserting a sinking ship? CROW: Foxglove would not approve. > >"Let them go, Mr. Mole," Badger said sadly. The look of defeat on his >strong shoulders was, to Mole and Rat, TOM: His natural expression, so they really didn't grasp the enormity of his despair. JOEL: With Mole and Rat there with Badger, it's starting to sound like a _Wind in the Willows_ crossover. > more terrifying than the water >filling the ship. "Sound abandon ship. Women and children first. JOEL: [BADGER] Pitch them overboard quickly. I can't stand their screaming. > Alert >International Res - I mean, the Rescue Rangers, just in case." > >Chapter Five : The Bait is Taken CROW: See Bait. See Bait sit. See Bait taken. Go, Bait, go. TOM: Kill me. > >A branch of their headquarters tree had been carefully planed flat, to >serve as a landing strip. Gadget was frantically tinkering with a group >of backpack-sized packages, while Monterey tied each one to the outside >of the Ranger Plane. "Just like depth charges during the war," Monterey >said affectionately. TOM: What war?! JOEL: [MONTEREY] 'Course, these bundles of Spam won't do more than scare people, but it's a start. > >Gadget cracked a smile. "The payload is different, however." > >"That's where I met your father, luv," Monterey said, suddenly serious. CROW: You know, that line is open to just *all* kinds of interpretations. JOEL: None of which we'll venture into. >"I was in with th' Commonwealth an' 'e joined the Royal Navy to hunt U- >boats -" TOM: Huh? At what point in the series was *that* ever portrayed? JOEL: Nowak used some creative license, I guess. TOM: The ones from Cracker Jack boxes don't count. > >"I know," Gadget snapped. She stood, looking down at her work, a moment >of sorrow flicking over her features. CROW: [GADGET] I can't believe I'm responsible for this piece of crud. > Then she turned and smiled at him >happily. "At least you remember how they mounted depth charges on patrol >aircraft," she said lightly, trying to compensate for her interruption. > >Monty forced a chuckle. He wasn't buying it. TOM: Not at that price, anyway. > >Chip raced out the hangar, with a clipboard. He was closely followed by >Dale, who had his arms full of blueprints - how had he found blueprints >to the Minuscule? Gadget was half convinced she didn't have any in her >workshop. JOEL: The other half was arguing that she always carried blueprints to ships on file that she never heard of. > >Chip was rapping out information while he swung himself into the plane. CROW: Yo! Chip be givin' the homies info! >"The ship is going down in the bay, south of Everready Park," he >explained. "The water is cold, but not dangerous." JOEL: [CHIP] The toxic waste, however, might present a problem. > >The Ranger Plane was half a bleach bottle with flapping wings and a >balloon. Instead of wheels or a more conventional skid landing gear, it >balanced on two suction darts. Now they were used as anchors to hold the >Plane down against the lift of its own balloon. TOM: Interesting. Completely pointless to the story, but interesting nonetheless. > >Gadget looked up at the balloon. Helium under pressure migrated slowly >through latex; thus, the Ranger Plane would gradually lose lift as it >flew. The flapping wings would help compensate for that by flapping >harder as the balloon died. JOEL: Does that mean the balloon would eventually become dead weight? BOTS: [groan] > Besides, they would get lighter as they >dropped the packages Monty was tying to the outside of the fuselage. >Would she be able to control trim and buoyancy as they started dropping >their payload? How had her father done it in the Navy? TOM: Do fish dream? JOEL: What's on television tonight? CROW: Does anyone care? > >She felt a stab again. CROW: That's what you get for giving Dale a knife; he just isn't responsible enough to play with sharp objects. > Still not letting go. Still using work to shut it >out. It had been years since her father's death, and she was still >changing the subject when one of his old friends mentioned him. She >remembered the years she had spent alone in their house, building >elaborate salesman traps, anything to focus her mind on something else. > >Now she had found a more productive distraction, but she suddenly >realized she wasn't any healthier. > >Dale and Chip looked at one another, concerned. JOEL: [CHIP] You think she's loaded down with emotional turmoil? Again? TOM: [DALE] Who *doesn't* outfit her with baggage from the Angst Company? > Given Gadget's track >record when she was confident, her eyeing the aircraft with a pensive >and worried expression did not bode well. > >"So why are we taking the Ranger Plane instead of the Ranger Wing?" Dale >asked. "It's faster." > >"Yes," Chip explained while Gadget leapt in. "But the Plane can hover >longer at a lower speed. The lifter blades on the Wing can't hold it up >very long; it needs forward speed to generate lift." CROW: Actually, the Ranger Wing has done just fine hovering for extended periods of time, as shown in "Weather or Not" and "Song of a Night N Dale". TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Bite me. > >The wings were flapping, and Gadget judged how tightly the suction darts >were holding them down. Not very. She preferred a little more spare JOEL: Change for the tollway, but Dale had spent it all on gumballs. >lift, but... she cast off. Belatedly, Zipper did his bugle call and they >released a ragged cry of "Rescue Rangers Away!" but it lacked a certain >snap; Gadget had blown the timing. TOM: Better than blowing up the Ranger Plane. > >"Do you think we'll need all these rescue packages?" Monterey asked as >the Plane CROW: Couldn't support all the weight and crashed to the ground in a horrific disaster. The End. > lurched unsteadily into the air. "They're going down pretty >slowly, an' they're bound t' have enough lifeboats." > >"There's many perfectly legitimate reasons for an engineer to leave >lifeboats off a cruise ship," Gadget said seriously. "I'd do it in some >circumstances." JOEL: [GADGET] Like when I want to be responsible for the needless deaths of hundreds of innocent people. It's such a rush! > >"Name one," Monty shot back. He would never say it out loud, but he >always found it stupefying that an intelligent girl who lost her father TOM: Somewhere in Bloomingdale's. >in an air race accident would have such a cavalier attitude towards >safety procedures. CROW: Nah, she just wants to grow up and die like her dad. > >"Well, they can clutter up the deck-" JOEL: So it's better to have dead bodies clutter up the water? TOM: Hey, the sharks aren't complaining. > Monterey winced, and Gadget >wondered if something in the seat was sticking him. JOEL: Probably a plot point. > >"It's most likely we'll just be there to observe," Chip explained. TOM: [CHIP] Watching people drown is a great way to kill an afternoon. >"Search for stragglers and drop them a floatation pack. We can't pull >thousands of mice out of the water, after all." TOM: [CHIP] I have to be at the bowling lanes by three. > >"I hope I brought enough blueprints," Dale broke in. CROW: Sore he hadn't had any good lines yet. > >"I asked you to find the Minuscule blueprints," Chip said slowly. "What >do you mean by enough?" > >"Well, these were the smallest blueprints I could find -" CROW: So why does he have so many, instead of just keeping the smallest set? JOEL: Well... uh... I'm, not sure, really. > >"Gadget," Chip yelled to the front seat, "Dale just volunteered for >ballast duty." > >"Don't litter, Chip," Gadget said, her mind on something else. > >They were flying over Everready Park by the time Dale got it. TOM: Hopefully, they'll find a cure for it soon. > >Under them was a terrifying sight, CROW: Bill Gates was streaking! > lit by the afternoon sun. Minuscule >was settling evenly, now so low in the water that the lifeboats had a >short drop to the ocean. TOM: Since a mouse-sized ocean liner isn't that big to start with, the drop was all of what, half-an-inch? > A cloud of bats, so dense it almost seemed >possible to walk on it, was drifting onto Everready Park. TOM: And... none of the humans in the park *notice* that? JOEL: Probably happens all the time. CROW: [Human in park] Huh. Fifth time this week. And it's only Tuesday. > Pushcart >vendors took one look at the disaster survivors struggling ashore, and >as though with a single mind, increased the prices of their wares. TOM: Hmmm. Unless the rodent-human relationship is the same as in Lankmar, I'm going to guess those were *animal* vendors. > >"Cool," Gadget whispered. Monty shot her a look. "They're settling >evenly," she hastened to explain. "Ships are most risky when they lose >trim." CROW: What's so bad about losing the ship's decorations? JOEL: Actually, I think she means "trim" as in [pulls out a dictionary and begins reading]: the set of a ship in the water. TOM: Ah. Isn't that a bit technical for a cartoon series? JOEL: Yes. Your point? > >"Like in The Poseidon Adventure," Dale chirped. Chip gave him a dirty CROW: Worm, seeing as he Dale signaled that he was still hungry. >look. > >"Yes, good example, although extreme and fictional," Gadget said to TOM: Shut him up. >Chip's surprise. "They're probably pumping water aboard to keep from JOEL: Surviving and having to stay in this fanfic. >rolling over or going bow down." > >"You mean they take water onto a sinking ship?" Chip was curious. > >"Yes, it's called counterflooding." TOM: How come Carnival Cruise Lines never tell you about these kind of things? > >"It's amazing how the stupidest ideas make sense when you understand >them," Chip marveled. CROW: [CHIP] But I still don't get the fascination with "Magic: The Gathering"... > >"There's only women and children on those lifeboats," Monty said grimly, >looking through binoculars. "That means the men JOEL: Never were on this ship. Must be partying in Panama or something. CROW: With your wife and kids elsewhere, wouldn't you? > are still all aboard." > >=== > >"And thank you for choosing Canard White Star Lines," Mr. Mole said >cheerfully as the loaded lifeboat dropped into the water and TOM: Sank like a stone. > the >passengers stared at him in shocked disbelief. "You will find >complementary snacks under the seats!" Mole sighed. CROW: A rather loud sigh.... > He had had no idea >that there were so many women aboard the Minuscule, or that so many were >so large and had such deep voices. JOEL: But even those women refused his advances. Must be his aftershave. > >"All lifeboats away, sir," rapped out a steward. CROW: Word! Steward's in da house! > He handed Mr. Mole a >tally sheet. Mole added the total on this sheet to the others he had >seen, and frowned. All the passengers were away, and yet he had not seen >a single man. Most singular. He could not have known it was a widespread >habit for male passengers to bring along a dress and wig, just in case >the cry of "women and children first!" was sounded. CROW: Or the call for that drag party was given. > >He took the clipboard to the pilot house, where Captain Badger watched a >slowly circling TOM: Flock of vultures. > air vehicle. "The signal reads 'have you enough JOEL: [SIGNAL] Brains to tie your shoes? What kind of moron are you to hit the only iceberg in over a hundred miles? >lifeboats for the passengers?'" he read. Badger frowned. TOM: So, if Mole just arrived, who was telling Badger what the signal was? CROW: Casper, the friendly plot contrivance. > "Signal back >'Certainly. What sort of reckless maniacs --'" > >=== > >"'-- Do ya take us for?' Told you," Monterey couldn't help saying. >Gadget frowned. TOM: What ever happened to the bright, smiling, and cheery Gadget from the series? JOEL: First rule of Ranger fanfic -- drain the happiness. > >=== > >"All passengers are away, captain," Mr. Mole reported. "We were able to >spread them thinly over the last few boats." JOEL: [MOLE] True, it was kinda gross pulping them so they would spread evenly, but all in a day's work! > >Mole was suddenly aware of a ring of hostile eyes around him. CROW: He was even more aware that they were not attached to any faces. > >Captain Badger broke the ominous silence. TOM: Not counting the noises of the ship, the bay, the passengers on the lifeboats, the sea gulls, the other boats in the area, and the general hub-bub of a major waterway. > >"By any chance," Badger asked gently, "did you remember to save a few >for the crew of this ship?" JOEL: [MOLE] Why? They can swim. > >"Oh, bother," gulped Mole. TOM: So Mole is related to Winnie the Pooh? CROW: It would explain the similarities in IQ. That is to say, zero. > >=== > >"Their signal reads, 'Inflatable life rafts sufficient 50 mice. Will >drop on deck. Ha ha.'" Captain Badger rumbled slightly. CROW: Was the captain reading that aloud, or did Casper just make another appearance? > >"Reply 'Thank you,'" he forced himself to say. > >=== > >Monterey smiled as he finished flashing the Aidis lamp. CROW: Whoa! That was something we *didn't* need to know! > As a >Commonwealth mouse who had served in the war, TOM: Since when?! > he felt he had the right >to add his own postscript to Chip's message, reasoning that Chip was >unduly restrained by the Special Relationship. TOM: Of what? The Rangers never signed any international treaties. JOEL: Shh. It's not polite to break the fragile world the author lives in. > >"Okay," said Gadget, as they hovered over the slowly vanishing deck of >the dying liner. "When we drop these, we'll lose a lot of weight. We may >climb slightly before I regain control. Don't be alarmed." JOEL: Be terrified. > >Three sets of knuckles tightened in abject terror. Zipper decided to fly >under his own power for a while. CROW: Zipper? Who's he? JOEL: He's the fly. Remember? He was mentioned in the first chapter. I think. > >Monty gripped a lanyard. "Salvo ready. Tell me when I can drop, Gadget >luv." JOEL: [GADGET] You can drop dead for all I care. > >"Ready." > >Monty pulled. The inflatable life rafts peeled away from the Ranger >Plane unevenly, from the tail to nose. The tail of the Plane slewed >upwards, and accelerated. TOM: Strangely enough, however, the bow remained stationary. > This put aerodynamic forces on the wing, >turning it to face the slipstream. Loose objects bounced forwards and >out of the Plane, misfiled tools, Dale's blueprints, JOEL: Any similarities to the series. > leftover parts from >Gadget's periodic rehauls which she tossed into the back in case they >later turned out to be important. In a short time, they were rocketing >upwards, with the plane pitching so far forwards they couldn't see sky >before them. The Minuscule was beginning to live up to her name, and >more disturbingly (for Gadget), she was beginning to turn gently as the >Ranger Plane began a vertical roll. JOEL: Was that "she" Gadget, the cruise ship, or the Plane? CROW: Could have been the Virgin Mary for all we know. > >Dale made a grab for a paper bag and missed. "I lost my lunch," Dale >cried in dismay. > >"Don't brag about it, mate," pleaded Monterey, TOM: Reaching for a different kind of paper bag. > looking rather green >himself. > >"Okay, now do I reestablish trim forward and aft first, or should I try >to swing the nose around?" JOEL: [GADGET] Or do the curtains clash with the sofa? > Gadget had no idea if she was asking the >question of herself or of her friends, who were screaming too >uncontrollably to hear her in any case. > >"Monty!" she snapped. "Into the back seat!" CROW: Wow! Gadget gets turned on in death-defying situations, doesn't she? > >To his credit, he started to move immediately after he shot her TOM: For getting them into this mess in the first place. > a "you >have got to be kidding!" look. As he climbed over, the nose of the >Ranger Plane began to swing up. Too quickly! JOEL: Slow down, story! Nowak can't keep up! > >"Chip! Front seat!" > >Chip and Dale had spent so much time fighting over who got to ride >shotgun with Gadget they had come to a tacit agreement to let Monty JOEL: Rip the passenger seat completely out of the plane. >occupy the coveted position. Chip could have forgone the honor now. He >tried to ease his way over, when a sudden violent lurch slammed the >Plane and rolled him lengthwise across the seat, head in Gadget's lap, >staring up into her shocked eyes. > >"We need to lighten the rear, Dale lad," Monty said in dismay. There was >nothing left to throw overboard. CROW: Hence, Monterey heaved Dale over the side. >Dale pulled a snack out of his breast pocket and flung it over. "I >tossed my cookies," he said to Monty. > >Monty stared at Dale. P'raps you're not as dumb as you act. TOM: It'd be a logistical impossibility. > >=== > >After executing a vertical barrel roll backwards, the rescue aircraft >had finally come to a stop, some one thousand feet above them. "Show >off," Captain Badger muttered disapprovingly, although it was bad form >to criticize the owners of the lifeboat you were using. "Scott and >Virgil would never countenance such acrobatics." JOEL: [BADGER] They were too chicken. > >Chapter Six : Sproing! > >Monty frowned. "Crikey." TOM: [MONTY] That's the lamest chapter title I've ever seen. > >"I can see our tree from here," Dale said excitedly. CROW: [DALE] It's being cut down to make room for another fountain. > >"I can see a submarine down there," Monty finished. "See? About three >hundred feet off the Minuscule, seven o'clock from the bow." TOM: [shaking] What?! Since when did Monterey get telescopic sight? Mice over a thousand feet up in the air are not going to be able to see a submerged submarine no bigger than a soapbox! > >Dale shifted his gaze. If he had not been told it was a submarine, he >would never have recognized it as one; in fact, he had not even known it >was possible to see a submerged submarine from the air. But now he knew >it for what it was he saw it, CROW: Uh...okay. JOEL: [to himself] He knew it for what it was he saw it...what it was he saw it... > unmistakably if indistinctly, TOM: Rather like Nowak's prose... > a long, >slender shadow of slightly darker water fluttering in the waves. TOM: It's "The Pirates of Dark Water"! > >"If it is a submarine," Gadget said doubtfully, "why didn't it surface >to offer assistance? They must know Minuscule is sinking -" > >"Because they're the ones who sent her to the bottom," Monty stated as a >proven fact, voice tight with anger. CROW: No no, Monty! It was an *iceberg*! Look at all the ice cubes around... > >"It's gotta be a friendly Navy sub," Gadget pointed out. "How else could >it get so close to the shore?" JOEL: Not to mention into the sewers, under the tree, and up the kitchen drain of Ranger HQ. > >"Submarines are stalkers in the night, " TOM: But it's daytime. > Monty rumbled. "Sneakin' around >is what submarines are for." CROW: I thought sinking ships is what submarines were for. > >"If they attacked her, they'd be disengaging by now," Gadget argued. >"It's not like there's other ships in a convoy for her to attack." JOEL: Because they already *sank*. > >"What do you think, Chip?" Monty asked. TOM: [CHIP] I think I like my view better. > >"Chip, you can see better with your head out of my lap," Gadget said >gently. JOEL: [CHIP] Sez you! > >"Submarine?" Chip asked, sitting bolt upright. "I think -" CROW: [CHIP] I can see better while sitting in Gadget's lap. > >He would later claim he was agreeing with Monterey, but that could have >been because a new piece of evidence abruptly presented itself. > >=== > TOM: A paragraph divider is a new piece of evidence? JOEL: Perry Mason, eat your heart out! >Jürgen was looking through the sky periscope, adjusting the vertical >tilt of the image. "They seem to have recovered control. Speed nearly >zero." JOEL: Since the Rangers have been calmly discussing the submarine without yelling and worrying about crashing, that's not an impressive observation. > >"Shall we burst their bubble?" the Gray Mouse suggested delicately. CROW: [GRAY MOUSE] Or just steal their lollypop? > >Jürgen smiled. "Weapons Officer, rig vertical tubes one and two for >firing. Detonate at 1100 feet, ascending." Jürgen had always dreamed of TOM: Getting the lead in the Nutcracker Suite, but that's not important right now. >fighting back against aircraft, those fragile, buzzy things which had >spelled the death of so many of his beloved submarines. JOEL: The Ranger Plane has spelled death for countless submarines? CROW: Aircraft made from a bleach bottle and balloon are the terror of the skies, to be sure. > >I've never done this before, he thought gleefully. Let's see if they >work! TOM: Testing new equipment in a real situation instead of in a controlled experiment is never a good idea. > >=== > >All that was visible was a splash from the water, from which emerged a >small dot, weaving gently back and forth. A moment or two were needed to >wonder why the small dot was moving so slowly and come to the conclusion >that it wasn't - it was actually moving at a very high rate of speed, >and the reason it appeared to be almost motionless was that it was >heading directly at them. TOM: All of this was told to the rest of the Rangers by Monterey, as he was the only one with the telescopic sight needed to see it. > By the time Dale had figured this out, Gadget >had already slammed full power to the wings. Like shifting from first to >fifth gear in a car, this killed the engine. CROW: And doubled their insurance rates. TOM: Would _you_ insure the Rangers? > She was trying to restart >it when Dale screamed out the obvious. JOEL: [DALE] The obvious! TOM: [CHIP] That's nice, Dale. > >"Missillllllle............" > >A C6-7 rocket engine will take a well designed model rocket to 1600 feet >in less than eight seconds. Since it slows dramatically during flight, >it takes about four to reach 1100 feet. JOEL: I'm starting to wonder if Nowak writes science textbooks for a living. TOM: Starting? > The rocket from Albacore ALL: Baltimore! > then >exploded below the Ranger Plane, and a shower of projectiles CROW: All kinds of them. All sorts. Use your imagination. > rattled >against the soft plastic of the bleach bottle and burst the balloon. TOM: What, no description of the dispersal arc and fragment penetration in millimeters of steel? JOEL: Tom, you'll only encourage him. >The Ranger Plane began to nose down. TOM: It's found the scent! > >"Gadget," Chip said seriously, "if someone's shooting at us, we have to JOEL: [CHIP] Stop singing "It's a Small World After All" incessantly. >go away from the passengers." > >Gadget nodded grimly, and lowered her goggles into place. She pushed the >stick forward. "I'll make for Trellis Island," she decided. "Remember, >your seat can be used as a floatation device." JOEL: [GADGET] Granted, it will float about as well as lodestone, but it's the best we can manage. > >Chip turned to see if Monterey and Dale were okay. TOM: Zipper had been smashed flat, but who cares? > They were shaken, but CROW: [JAMES BOND] Not stirred. >didn't seem to be bleeding. Frowning, Chip looked down at the floor of >the Plane. He didn't see any holes. JOEL: So he made some of his own! > But I heard us get hit...why didn't >the pellets penetrate? > >The Plane went gently into a dive. TOM: Was that supposed to be the answer? > >Earlier, Chip had imagined that the worse thing that could happen to >someone in an airplane was to climb rapidly, backwards, out of control, >with the fuselage tipping forward and threatening to dump you into the >receding ocean below. Now he knew that CROW: Having to read sentences that long was even worse. > heading away from the ground is >never as frightening as heading towards it. JOEL: Good thing they're heading towards the ocean. He's got nothing to worry about! > >She's trading height for speed, Monterey thought, holding on. Lift is >proportional to the square of velocity; she's trying to go faster than >usual to compensate for the lift of the lost balloon. TOM: [shaking badly] What?! Since when did Monty become a physics major? JOEL: Maybe the same time he joined the Navy-- TOM: Stuff it, Joel. CROW: Maybe to figure out the best way to break cheese out of crates-- TOM: Stuff it, Crow! > >She's gone nuts and will kill us all, Dale thought, half believing it. > >It should work, unless the wings fall off or something, Gadget consoled >herself. JOEL: All right guys! We found the characterization in the technical data haystack! CROW: Whoopee. TOM: Bliss. > >=== > >"She's going for Trellis Island," the Gray Mouse said slowly. "How >ironic." TOM: [singing] And isn't it ironic...don't you think? > >"They'll be easier to catch if we can get them to land in the water," >Jürgen muttered. "But we..." JOEL: [JÜRGEN] Should get Bertie and his money-grubbing girlfriend off the bridge first. > >He stopped. The plummeting aircraft was at a bearing of 178 degrees. CROW: At least, that's what the little invisible gnomes told him. > >"EINBLASSEN!" he screamed. JOEL: Such language, these naval officers! > Fortunately, the diving officer had seen Das >Boot and released compressed air to empty the tanks. "All ahead flank!" >Jürgen continued. "25 degrees port rudder! Aft planes up 15! Bow planes >down 15!" He took a breath, "Collision alarm!" > >A smile came over the Gray Mouse's face. She was the first on the bridge >to figure it out. TOM: [GRAY MOUSE] Rosebud was his *sled*! > >=== > >Chip knew exactly how fast they were going. Too fast. > >Certainly, the nearness of the water made it seem they were going faster >than they really were, but that didn't change the fact they were going >Too Fast. Gradually, his weight began to return. His eyes were fixed on >the water, so this was the only evidence he had that Gadget was pulling >them out of the dive. There was a ripping sound from the wing. This >close to the water he could get no real estimate of their height. At Too >Fast, the water was too blurred. He closed his watering eyes and >clutched his fedora with both hands. The Plane vibrated violently. If >his weight went down or vanished, it meant Gadget had lost their battle >with gravity and they were about to die. If it remained constant, they >wouldn't crash in the next few seconds. The results of this calculation >seemed rather useless, but he thought it would be nice to know. TOM: There's an awful lot of time for contemplation when one is going Too Fast, isn't there? CROW: Maybe it'd be better to say they were going Kinda Quick But Not In Too Much Of A Rush. > >He felt his weight increase. JOEL: All those Walnut Waleroos were catching up with him. > >He snapped his eyes open. Gadget was pulling them into a sharp climb, >and he couldn't imagine why she was maneuvering so violently with so >much strain already on the wings. > >Then he saw what she saw. TOM: The dashboard? JOEL: No, seashells on the seashore. > Rising from the ocean before them, growing >like some branchless tree, the long, slender cylinder of a submarine >performing an emergency surface right before them. CROW: [CHIP] I know it's an emergency surface because the same thing happened just last week! > >Through Dale's mind flashed the opening scene of Voyage to the Bottom of >the Sea, the movie where Richard Basehart JOEL: Hey, Gypsy? TOM: Don't bother - she's missed it already. > was not playing Admiral >Nelson, and a montage from Hunt for Red October, mixed with a Kirk >Douglas movie whose title he forgot. TOM: But not once did he think about the time the Rangers faced off against Captain Finn, when he actually saw a real submarine. > >The Ranger Plane was nosing up, and Chip thought they were going to make JOEL: A sequel to "Booty Call". >it until they hit the saw blade. The noise was short and sharp; there >was a flash of brilliant metal between him and Gadget. Dale was unhurt. TOM: Aside from having his head lopped off, but Chip was confident they could work around that. >Half of Monty's mustache dropped away. Chips' gaze went back to Gadget, >slowly receding from him as the left half of the airplane parted company >with the right half. > >"I'm sorry, Chip," he thought he heard her say. "I don't think I can >keep her up any longer." > >Then the Plane(s) began to tumble, and his weight went away. CROW: Just leaving him a "Dear Chip" letter. JOEL: That's cruel. > >Since Gadget had put them into a climb, this was not as serious as it >would have been before. He reached below his seat to remove the >emergency parachute. JOEL: He decides to do this just now? CROW: After flying with Gadget for this long, you'd think putting it on would be the first thing to do once aboard. > As he put it on, he realized with a shock that it >was a 24" chute for Monty's greater weight. He looked backwards, but >Monty had already bailed out - wearing Chip's 18" chute. Worried, Chip >hoped the water landing would provide Monty with extra cushioning. JOEL: Since they can't be more than a foot off of the surface after hitting the sub, I'd be more concerned about pulling the rip cord before I hit the water. > >Chip was well clear of the plane, so he pulled the rip cord. He noticed >that none of the other Rangers had done this yet, and wondered if he was >making a mistake. The orange and white striped plastic chute with the >ESTES logo opened quickly behind him. The shock of the sudden >deceleration knocked him unconscious. TOM: I'm beginning to yearn for the feeling, myself. We've got to go, guys. [1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... SoL] [On the SoL bridge, JOEL, TOM and CROW are dressed in filthy, disreputable sweaters and pants. They all have fake beards. JOEL looks through GYPSY's neck as though through a periscope, while CROW's arms are on a steering yoke and TOM stands by the "Sign" controls. Subtitles are flashed as the characters speak.] JOEL: Ich wollen ein Auto meieten. SUBTITLE: This filthy weather was made for the British! TOM: Kalte, frisches Luft macht Gesund! SUBTITLE: Contact bearing eight-seven! Fast screws! [JOEL spins, so GYPSY faces the camera.] JOEL: [screaming] KANNST DU KEINEN SPASS VERSTEHEN!! ZWEI GLASS!! SUBTITLE: An enemy Destroyer! Golly! [Loud BOOMs echo through the set while the camera jerks and JOEL, CROW, and TOM try to look like they're being thrown about by depth charges.] TOM: AUTOBAHN! SUBTITLE: AAAAAAK! CROW: SCHWARTZWALD! SUBTITLE: AAAAUGH! [Commercial Sign starts flashing.] CROW: Sorry, guys, Commercial Sign. SUBTITLE: Mein Vater var ein Wandersman, und ich hab' auch im Blut. JOEL: Darn. We'll be back after this. SUBTITLE: Ich weiss nicht was soll es bedeuten, das ich so trauig bin. [COMMERCIAL]