Theme for the Nowakverse

By Matt Plotecher

To the tune of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from _Disney's Mulan_

Apologies to John Nowak, Matthew Wilder, and anyone with a shred 
of decency.

CAST indicates the chorus -- comprised of all the characters, 
naturally. When it's [character] and CAST, only the character 
is shown, but the CAST is heard as back-up vocals.

[Inside Ranger HQ]

CHIP: [energetically]
Let's go out to rescue
And clean up
This town!

DALE: [depressed]
Gee we'd like to help you,
But we're just
Too down

GADGET:
We're the saddest bunch you ever met

ZIPPER: [subtitled]
And you can bet, it just gets worse

MONTY:
 Cause we live, here in the, Nowakverse!

[Cut to interior of _Albacore_]

WIDGET:
Vengeance, a la crunchy
That's my own
trademark

JUERGEN: [admiring the sub, but with a thoughtful look]
 _Albacore_ is mighty
But so was
_Bismarck_....

FENTON:
There are giant squids; octopi, too

CALVERT:
We work in a floating hearse

GIMCRACK: [subtitled]
Of course we, live in the, Nowakverse!

[Cut to each character as they say their lines]

KARL: [looking over "Lemming 2000" files]
We're never gonna save those dopes....

DAVID: [looking at Gidget's photo]
Why is Gidget called "Miss Veneer"?

ANDY: [smiling angelically]
Ain't I the most harmless guy you've ever known?

GEEGAW: [echoing voiceover while his grave is shown]
Well pardon *me* for having high hopes!

CLAYTON: [smiling way too sweetly]
From me you have nothing to fear

BERTIE: [politely eager]
Another day of being a yuppie drone!

NIBBLES & CAST: [faded overlay of Geegaw]
I was bad...

CAST:
You must be nuts to want to live here

WIDGET & CAST: [faded overlay of her attempts on Gadget's life]
Oh so bad...

CAST:
We make more despair per capita

CLAYTON & CAST: [grinning sadistically, giving thumbs up, with a 
                faded overlay of an unsuspecting Gadget] 
Really bad....

CAST:
And all the pain of a root canal
We're as far as you can get from Shangri-la!

PRICKLES: [looking uncharacteristically nervous]
Death is racing towards us!

FAT CAT: [shrugging] 
One less goon
To pay

CAPT. MURRY: 
What problem will become
near-lethal
today?

FOXGLOVE: 
You're all silly; boy, life is a joy

DR. SKINNER: 
Please allow me to be terse:
You're batty; this is the, Nowakverse!

KARL & CAST: [looking forlorn at a photo of his mother]
We're so sad....

CAST: 
You must be cold as the northern snows

GADGET & CAST: [looking forlorn at a photo of Geegaw]
Very sad....

CAST:
With all the grief of a Shakespear play

DAVID & CAST: [looking forlorn at a photo of Gidget]
Bumming sad....

CAST:
Calloused souls are required safety gear
For it intensifies as you age and grey

HERBIE & CAST:
Life is tough....

CAST:
You must be strong to last every chapter

FLEDMOWS & CAST:
Pretty rough....

CAST:
Hope, love, and joy are emotions to cull

JEROME & CAST:
Ugly stuff....

CAST: It may seem like a crummy existence
But at least things around here are never dull!



New lyrics copyright 1999 Matt Plotecher