[The theme song begins for "Ranger Science Theater 3000". It starts with a long shot of the city park, trucking in on the Ranger HQ.] VOICE OF CASSANDRA: In a not too distant city Inside a big oak tree There was a mouse named Gadget Just as sweet as can be [Scene cuts to Gadget and Foxglove reading over some "Psychology Yesterday" magazines and apparently talking.] She and Foxglove decided to see What if Chip, Dale, Zipper, and Monty Were quarantined and then subjected to Numerous mental stress events Until their brains turned to goo? [Scene changes to the first episode, where the conversation pit and television are being walled up and Zipper given the camera, while Monterey, Dale, and Chip are locked inside.] MONTY: Wait... a... sec! [Scene cuts back to the Workshop, with printers in the background churning out huge amounts of stories.] FOXGLOVE: We'll send them whacked-out readings GADGET: The worst we can find (la la la) [Scene changes to the T.V. Chamber, where Chip, Monterey, and Dale are cringing at a e-mail spam message about consolidating loans.] They'll all be dears and read them all while we monitor their minds (la la la) [Scene cuts back to the outside of the tree at night with the glare of the television in the window, as time-lapse photography shows the tree going through all four seasons.] VOICE OF CASSANDRA: Now keep in mind the boys are too nice To turn Gadget and Foxy down (la la la) So they'll just have to tough it out Through every verb and noun [Scene switches to a large sign made from black tape on the wall in the back of the living room.] Ranger Roll Call! [Each time a Ranger is mentioned, the scene cuts to a shot of them.] Zipper (I'm in this?) Monty (How much longer?) Chip (What was I thinking?) Daaaaaaale! (Is it time for "Ricki Lake" yet?) [Scene cuts back to Monty and the 'munks at the table, playing cards.] If you're wondering why they don't just leave Or other logic facts (la la la) [Scene switches again to show them ducking inside the passage to the T.V. Chamber passage as the LiteBrite bulbs are blinking.] Then keep in mind that this is just a spoof So just kick back and relax [Scene cuts to the Ranger emblem over the front door (now nailed shut).] for some Ranger Science Theater 3000 *Twang!* [The slow zoom out from the T.V. Chamber through the passage begins. Door #1 is attached to a mousetrap and snaps back into place. Door #2 slides to a close on a couple of Rollerblade wheels. Door #3 is a CD which rolls into place. Door #4 Velcros shut, lifted into place by some Lego pillars rising from the floor. Door #5 hinges shut, a tinker toy gate. Door #6 is a large shutter for a camera, snapping shut. The last thing to close is the small air lock door, sealing off the passage.] [Living Room. Chip, Dale, and Monterey are gathered around the table, a small scrabble board in front of them. Each one has a tray of letters in front of them, plus there is a fourth facing the camera.] CHIP: Okay... [he pulls some tiles from his tray and sets them down on the board] "pneumatics". Lemme see, that's... [does some arithmetic] 135 points. MONTY: [Looking at camera] Your turn, mate. [Buzzing is heard, and Monty nods, leaning over and picking up the tiles, then placing them down on the board. Dale glances at them.] DALE: "Bzztzzuzz"? CHIP: I think he's missing a "z", though-- [The red bulb begins to blink.] MONTY: Hang on, mates. The Gals are callin'. [He taps the bulb. Switch to Workshop. Gadget is standing by a tin can which has "Wash-O-Matic" painted on the side. Foxglove stands on the other side, wearing a pair of Gadget's coveralls, stained with oil.] GADGET: Oh, hi guys! Listen, I just another mind-bashingly great idea! [Living Room] CHIP: [worried] As good as the one to quarantine us? [Workshop] GADGET: Even better! I was thinking, well, you guys have a lot of time on your hands, and I have a lot of time, too, while waiting for each phase of the quarantine to take place. So, I thought, what better way to pass the time than inventing! FOXGLOVE: That's right, boys, but we wanted to incorporate this into our communication with you, so we've decided to start up the "Inventomerical"! [Living Room] ALL: [doubtfully] Inventomerical? [Workshop] GADGET: [excited] Golly, guys, it'll so much fun! We can trade ideas back and forth about inventions, and concepts, and ideas, and all that! FOXGLOVE: Yeah, we figured that you probably were building things in your spare time, rather than doing something non-productive like playing scrabble. [Living Room] [Chip discreetly shoves the scrabble board off the table with a clatter.] DALE: Of course we've been building stuff! What do you take us for? MONTY: Uh, mate-- [Workshop] GADGET: [pleased] Good. You guys ready, then? [her eyes look very hopeful] [Living Room] ALL: Uhh... [Dale suddenly does a take.] DALE: Yeah! Uhm, I just need to pull it out of storage. [to Monterey and Chip] Keep 'em busy, I'll be back in a few. [He dashes offstage, and soon crashes and bangs are heard.] MONTY: Okay, uh, well Gadget-luv, why don't you go first? [Workshop] GADGET: Sure! Well, I had the idea for this machine a while back. You know how greasy and oily things can get when working as a mechanic, and it stains my coveralls pretty bad. FOXGLOVE: Not to mention the fur.... GADGET: Right. So, I came up with this. [She pats the can.] It's my new Wash-O-Matic, designed to wash your clothes and fur clean within moments, and without you needing to change! Now you can just step in to get clean, and then step out to get right back to work again! Foxy, if you'd be so kind as to demonstrate? FOXGLOVE: Sure thing. [Foxglove steps into the can through a door on the side, while Gadget turns it on and selects warm water, no spin cycle, and air fluff dry. It starts up, humming somewhat disjointedly. Some rattles and clangs are heard, followed by a sudden explosion of suds as Foxglove shoots out the side door.] GADGET: [wiping the soap suds from her hair] Okay, so, it still needs some fine tuning. But look! [She helps Foxy back up, pulling her on screen. The coveralls are clean, though ripped and torn.] Well, guys, your turn! [Living Room] CHIP: Well-- DALE: [O.S.] No sweat! [He comes back on screen, wiping his paws off on a cloth.] MONTY: Uh, Dale here, has got the invention for this week. [He looks worried.] DALE: Okay, well, I was inspired by that saying, "If you build a better world, the door will beat a path to your mousetrap." Wait. Well, you know what I mean. CHIP: Er.... MONTY: Er.... [Workshop] GADGET and FOXGLOVE: Er.... [Living Room. Dale is dragging some large contraption into view.] DALE: Anyway, this is a new and improved mousetrap that I built! Yes, no more does one have to worry about those pesky rodents getting away or living to infest your home! [Monterey continues to stare on, stunned, while Chip sighs and lowers his head in his heads. Dale continues, oblivious.] DALE: This baby has a 100% guaranteed effective kill ratio. The secret to its use is that.... [He trails off, as if suddenly realizing something. He blinks a few times, glancing over at Monterey, then back to the camera. The scene switches to the Workshop, where Gadget and Foxglove stare on as well. Foxglove is apparently shocked [but still clean], while Gadget is definitely peeved. Back to the Living Room. There's an awkward silence. Suddenly Dale shoves the device O.S., where a loud crash is heard. He gives a sheepish grin to the camera and shrugs.] DALE: [embarrassed] Heh heh. Uhm... nevermind. [Workshop] GADGET: [still upset] Yes, well, let's just move on and forget this whole thing, shall we? Today's phase of your quarantine is a piece of Darkwing Duck fanfiction called "The Return of Love's Labor Lost", by Cristi Muth, about what happens when you mix stupidity and apathy into "heros". It's being served with another helping of spam, called "STOP SUFFERING from LOW BACK PAIN!". [turning to Foxglove] Send them the next phase, Foxy. FOXGLOVE: [sighing] Sorry, Dale, but it's all part of the project. [She reaches off to the side and presses a button. Switch to the Living Room, where Chip and Monterey are glaring angrily at Dale. Lights and buzzers are going haywire.] CHIP: You idiot! [Dale ducks into the passage, followed by Chip and Monterey.] DALE: [O.S.] Is it too late to say I'm sorry?! [His voice echoes down the passage as Zipper follows them through the doors.] [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ] [Dale dives for safety in his seat, while Monterey and Chip grumble as they settle into theirs.] MONTY: Never mind now, mate. We gotta deal with this before we can deal with you. [Dale gulps.] >From: falcon1@vlmail.com MONTY: Valley Lodge mail? CHIP: From: Master@vlmail.com To: Torgo@vlmail.com Subject: You have failed us >Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1998 03:03:01 +0800 (HKT) >To: Friend@Public.com CHIP: [flatly] I have a new friend. > >com.com, mattd@ix.netcom.com, mattdelg@ix.netcom.com, >mattdeni@ix.netcom.com, matte2@ix.netcom.com MONTY: [scolding] Netcom! Bad ISP, lettin' spam in like this! Bad! Bad! >From: MONTY: We covered that. DALE: So this group calls themselves "falcon1"? Don't falcons feed on rodents? CHIP: [sighing] You're just racking up points on the gaff scale, Dale. >Subject: STOP SUFFERING from LOW BACK PAIN! MONTY: [teacher] That's your essay assignment for next week, class. >content-length: 1584 DALE: So, what was going on in Europe in 1584? CHIP: I don't know. Probably another war. > > >STOP SUFFERING from LOW BACK PAIN! > MONTY: Stop bein' a pain in the back, then! >You are receiving this e-mail because you are CHIP: [falcon1] In need of punishment. > listed in >a database as interested in new announcements and/or >opportunities. If this has reached you in error, we DALE: [falcon1] Laugh in your face. >apologize and ask that you just hit the Reply button >with the word REMOVE in the Subject Line. >---- > !!!!!!! WE KNOW BACKS !!!!!!! MONTY: And exclamation points, apparently. CHIP: Not really, as they have them before the sentence, too. DALE: Maybe they're from Mexico. CHIP: Then they forget to invert them. DALE: Maybe they're just dumb. > > From our extensive research and 20 years experience, we developed >Backmagic DALE: [singing] That old Back Magic.... > Orthotic Support which does what our analysis and treatment >does. DALE: So... the support thingy does something that's already being done? > > WITHIN 3-5 DAYS of wearing Backmagic Orthotic Support, you will feel >40-50% IMPROVEMENT!! MONTY: Yeah, lightenin' the load by emptyin' the wallet is a novel approach. > We have helped over 250,000 people just like you >to be PAIN FREE. DALE: [falcon1] They're all dead now! > I am sure it will work for you too!! CHIP: Wasn't it "we" just last sentence? > > The Doctors at the Posture Research Institute have been DALE: Watching "Posture Pals" and "Platform Posture and Speaking" for pointers. > treating low >back pain very successfully for over 20 years. Our Breakthrough 3-D DALE: Glasses make the comic book seem to come to life! >Spinal Analysis allowed us to specifically correct the cause of the >low back problem. We CHIP: Whoop. Back to speaking in plural. > can have you wearing Backmagic Orthotic Support >in less than a week (small and comfortable) CHIP: In the same way that the rack is "invigorating and one size fits all". > and you can be on the >road to pain FREE living. > > If you do not begin to obtain relief in 3-5 days, we have a 30 day >money back guarantee! MONTY: [falcon1] We're not sayin' that you'll get it, just that we have one. > We stand 100% behind our product. CHIP: And 100 yards away. > We only want >happy people out there. MONTY: Any bloke caught frownin' will be promptly shot. > > What do you have to loose....except your Back Pain? CHIP: And your proofreader. > > FOR MORE DETAILS AND INFORMATION, DALE: Great. We entered Capital Letters Land again. > JUST SEND ANY BLANK >E-MAIL TO THE FOLLOWING AUTORESPONDER ADDRESS AND YOU'LL MONTY: Have nobody but yourself to blame for encouragin' them. >HAVE IT SITTING AND WAITING FOR YOU VIA E-MAIL IN LESS THAN A >MINUTE!! > mailto:backmagic@sitedesigns.net > >Thank You! DALE: Bite me. > >Dr. Fitz-Ritson > CHIP: And now it's singular again! MONTY: The Multiple Personality Disorder Company. "I've been doin' business as long as we can remember". [The screen flickers as the videos are switched, and the main presentation begins.] >This story takes place about nine years after a little episode of CHIP: Nervous disorders? >'Darkwing Duck' called 'Life, the Negaverse, and Everything.' It was >inspired by a great movie called 'The Man in the Iron Mask,' DALE: The episode was inspired by 'The Man in the Iron Mask'? MONTY: You learn somethin' new every day.... > because it >got me thinking about The Musketeers again. DALE: That's all fine and dandy, but why are you telling us this? > I'm going to dedicate this >story to Melissa, Leah, and Adrienne right now because CHIP: They need a little public humiliation. > they ran through a >field, on full stomachs, with me to get to that movie at ten o'clock on >opening night. MONTY: Life on the lam, eh? Ah, fun! > >Sorry 'bout that, boobalas... DALE: Boobalas? CHIP: I think those are baby Booby Birds. MONTY: Mrs. Booby guest stars in this thing? > but wasn't it worth it? ;) MONTY: She's winkin' at me, mates. DALE: No, she's winking at *me*. CHIP: You're both nuts-- > >SLIGHT WARNING: CHIP: If you can read this, you are too close. > This story is a bit sad. DALE: Isn't it bad to introduce your work by apologizing for it? > Not like 'Titanic' sad, but >like 'Fried Green Tomatoes' sad. DALE: Chick flicks.... MONTY: Don't let the Gals hear you, bucko. > (Or, perhaps, "you've seen one too many >movies" sad.) CHIP: Or, perhaps, "you need to come up with some original ideas" sad. > It's basically a fan-fic that deals with the end of >someone's life. >------------------------- CHIP: Oh, that must be said person's flatline, then. > >LOVE'S LABOR LOST DALE: The Valentine Day card makers went on strike? MONTY: I thought Gadget said it was called "The Return of Love's Labor Lost"? CHIP: Please don't tell me that the author couldn't even remember the name right.... > >By: Cristi Muth > >-------------------------- CHIP: *Two* flatlines!? And we aren't even to the story yet! MONTY: Talk about knockin' 'em dead.... > > > Dark clouds of smog rolled across the dark city skyline like >harbingers of doom. DALE: Well. This is off to a bright and sunshine-filled start. CHIP: Just be on the lookout for a one-armed mouse with a vendetta the size of Cleveland. > >This was not unusual in St. Canard, especially considering it WAS the >Negaverse. DALE: Argh! Sailor Moon! CHIP: No, it's okay -- not *that* Negaverse. > >Gosalyn Waddlemeyer looked up from the living room window of 537 Avian >Way, CHIP: Wondering if it had been wise to replace the glass with more durable, yet slightly less transparent, concrete. > sighing at the sights that had met her eyes everyday for almost >eighteen years now. DALE: [Gosalyn] I am just sick of that Star Trek wallpaper! > Her guardians, Bushroot, Megavolt, Quackerjack, and MONTY: The Michelin Man. >Liquidator, also known throughout the city as DALE: Dweebs. > The Friendly Four, were out >scouting the streets for signs of impending disaster. DALE: [Friendly Four member] I found a sign of impending disaster! Oh boy! ...Uh, now what do I do? CHIP: Not very good, are they? > Suffice it to say >that they were busy a lot. MONTY: What with league nights, and all. > >Gosalyn moved away from the window and took a seat DALE: Where did she take it? MONTY: [rimshot] > in one of the easy >chairs at the back of the room. She was tired of thinking DALE: 'Nuff said. > of all the >things she couldn't do for the city and decided to go to The Friendly >Four's secret hideout in the towers of the Audubon Bay Bridge and see >what she COULD do. CHIP: Start with dropping the run-on sentences, please! > She reached over to hit the secret control button, a >statue of Darkwing Duck, and waited for the dizzying spinning of the >chairs. MONTY: [Gosalyn] Gotta get my fix, heh-heh. > >Once the chairs had stopped their incessant spinning, she found herself DALE: On the verge of throwing up. >in Darkwing Tower, knicknamed CHIP: They named it after a trinket you get from a souvenir shop? DALE: No, I think it was named in honor of a Basketball team. > after the hero from another dimension who >had helped the Friendly Four defeat St. Canard's evil dictator, DALE: Orville Reddenbocker? > Negaduck. DALE: Oh. Well, they both make things that go *pop*! > Since that day nine years prior, Negaduck had never been back...and >neither had Darkwing. Gosalyn stood and headed for a small chest of >drawers against the fall wall. CHIP: See wall. See wall fall. Fall wall, fall. > Sliding out the top drawer, she took out >something she'd been working on for weeks. [Everyone coughs, too embarrassed to make an appropriate riff.] > It was the costume of a >vigilante, something that she planned to be wearing quite soon. DALE: She was planning on killing criminals and breaking laws? I mean, that's what a vigilante *does*, y'know. > It was a >baby powder pink color with pastel blue lining on the cape, DALE: Oh yeah, baby, describe *that* to us! CHIP: Sounds more like a costume for the Easter Day parade. > and she had >opted for a hat that made her immediately think of The Three Musketeers. DALE: [Gosalyn] I bet I can eat forty of those candy bars, and still fit into this hat! >The hat matched the blue lining and had soft pink feathers circling the >brim. MONTY: Pink feathers -- guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of villains ev'rywhere! CHIP: Maybe she's planning on making them laugh themselves into a submission. > > Her guardians had promised to become The Friendly Five CHIP: And tour nightclubs throughout the country with their own blend of jazz, funk, and yodeling. > when >Gosalyn turned eighteen. She smiled at that thought. It was DALE: The only one she ever had. > only two >days away. Ever since she had met Darkwing Duck nine years ago, she had >wanted to fight crime in the way that he does. MONTY: In a feminine and sheer costume?? > She thought about >Darkwing often... CHIP: She was into self-inflicted mental abuse. > and she knew her four guardians had been trying to clean >up their St. Canard as Darkwing had cleaned up his. DALE: With dustpans in hand.... > When Gosalyn saw The >Four, MONTY: She laughed. > it almost seemed as though they were The Musketeers, CHIP: Because Cristi wants to stress the fact she had seen the previously mentioned movie. > in fact, she >had even taken to calling them Athos, Aramis, Pothos, and D'Artagnan. CHIP: It really annoyed them and alienated her from their blessings. >That had been the inspiration for her costume. DALE: How? The Three Musketeers never dressed like they were about to go on an Easter egg hunt. > Since everyone already >knew who she was, MONTY: [English accent] Say no more, say no more! > and since the Four never seemed to care about hiding >their identities, CHIP: Stupidity is bliss. > Gosalyn hadn't worried about having a mask. In fact, >she wanted to be sure people knew who she was and perhaps follow her good >influence and help turn the city's mentality around. CHIP: A complete 360 degree turnaround isn't much of an improvement, Gos. DALE: What about a 720? > > As Gosalyn drifted off into daydreams, she was jarred back to >reality by a low rumble and the shaking of the bridge. > >"What the heck?!" MONTY: Such language in the Negaverse! > She yelled and ran to a window. CHIP: Like a flash! Opened the shutters and threw up the sash! > Looking down, she saw CHIP: A miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer! >a tank rolling across the bridge. CHIP: Oh, well, I was close. DALE: I was wondering what happened to Honker's brother. > Confused, she watched as it paused and >released a volley of cannons into the city. CHIP: Okay, wait. It shot *cannons* into the city? Aren't they a tad unaerodynamic? > Even over the now thundering >sounds of the weapons, Gosalyn could hear the chilling sound of familiar >maniacal laughter. MONTY: It's Bobo the Clown, and boy, is he ever mad! > >She turned away from the window and quietly said, "he's back." > DALE: [singing] Negaduck's back, and you're gonna be in trouble.... MONTY & CHIP: [singing] Hey nah, hey nah -- Negaduck's back! > [Chip pulls out a shotgun.] CHIP: Pull! > * CHIP: BANG! [Monterey pulls out a shotgun.] MONTY: Pull! > * MONTY: BANG! [Dale pulls out a shotgun.] DALE: Pull! > * DALE: BANG! [The trio congratulate each other as they tuck the shotguns away.] > > > Gosalyn ran to grab her costume and hopped behind a platform to >chan CHIP: Chan? Here? This does not bode well.... >_____________________________________________________________________ >You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. DALE: Uhm. That's nice... to know... I guess. CHIP: Maybe this is a commercial. MONTY: Nah, Gos just decided to grab some spam to frighten away Negaduck. >Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com >Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] CHIP: So, Cristi, how big *is* that check you're getting from Juno, again? > >ge. DALE: Well, gee! > Less than a minute later she emerged, running. MONTY: Out of the city and away from the danger. > She was almost >out of the tower when she remembered that, unlike her guardians, she DALE: Could remember the second verse to "Henry the VIII, I Am". >didn't have super powers to protect her. DALE: Well, Quackerjack doesn't have superpowers either, really. MONTY: [kooky voice] But he's got *wackiness*! > Absently, she grabbed an >antique sword from the wall and hoped that Reggie wouldn't mind. CHIP: He had to save up a lot of boxtops for it, after all. > The >sword had been a Bushroot heirloom since the first Civil War, CHIP: How many civil wars has St. Canard *had*? > and had >been used for nothing except decoration since then. MONTY: Aside from beatin' the city populace back when they failed to obey orders. > > The young woman headed out of the safety of Darkwing Tower via >the transport chairs and was standing ready by the stairs of her home a >moment later. She knew that only one person was dastardly enough to >drive a tank through a city, blowing things up as he went. And she knew >where this maniac was headed. DALE: The sale at WalMart! > >Home. DALE: There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home! > >Her home. The home that he had not seen in the nine years he'd been >gone. He had no way of knowing how some things had changed and he would >seek out familiar settings from his past. CHIP: What? This is something she saw on a PBS special about the migratory ways of the Negaduck? > 537 Avian Way was once his >home, too. MONTY: But then he was late to the bank with that payment, and well, you know how it goes. > >Gosalyn felt the floor shudder under her feet and began to tremble, >slightly. DALE: She was trembling, or the floor was? > She had never fought anyone before, and she was worried about >The Friendly Four. CHIP: They were, after all, apparently oblivious to the tank firing cannons into the city. > Outside the quiet suburban house, the sounds of war >were growing closer. DALE: [singing] Low Rider, don't drive too fast.... > When the vibrating of the ground stopped knocking >pictures from the walls MONTY: Gosalyn then scolded it and sent it to bed without any pot roast. > and the thunderous sound of heavy machinery >stopped just outside the house, Gosalyn drew in a sharp intake of breath. DALE: Someone was playing a Live-Action version of "Battletech" again. > > >The door swung open in front of her and she saw the silhouette of a short >duck, DALE: Mallard Fillmore! > a cape billowing out behind him and a wide brimmed hat resting on >his head. MONTY: [Hat] Boy, am I beat. I've been on the go since mornin', lemme tell ya. > >He stepped into the light and glowered at Gosalyn. CHIP: [Duck] A baby powder pink and pastel blue costume? Who taught you how to dress? > >"Hello, Shnookums," he said, sarcastically. Gosalyn noted how his voice >still sounded like he had been gargling with gravel. MONTY: Yes, try new "Scrape", the mouthwash with fast-actin' gravel bits! > >And there was now no denying it. DALE: [sadly] Ginger Spice really *did* leave the group. > >Negaduck was home. CHIP: Ah, but was he *home*? You haven't answered that yet, Cristi! > > > * * * CHIP: [pulls out a telescope and peers through it] Hmmm... Rigel, Betelgeuse... and they were right -- the other one really *is* just a bright gaseous nebula! > > > Gosalyn raised the sword up just as The Friendly Four came >bursting through the door from the kitchen. MONTY: The city was bein' attacked and they were chowin' down? DALE: They went to the Scooby-Doo School of Detective Studies, I guess. > >"Gos, get out of here!" Yelled Bushroot, frantically. Gosalyn spun to >look at him and Negaduck marched past her, pushing her out of his way. CHIP: [Negaduck] Let me take a look, here. Oh, you guys added a porch on the back. Nice. What varnish did you use to protect it from the acid fallout? >She fell to the ground, feeling like she was nine years old again, DALE: Hey, she's *dressed* like she's nine, so why is this a surprise? > and >did nothing as Negaduck approached her guardians. > CHIP: She'll fit right in with the rest of the Friendly Four, then. >"So, I see you boys are still in business," Negaduck remarked as a smirk >played across his face. MONTY: [Negaduck] You managed to avoid the recession, huh? > >"N-Negaduck," stammered Bushroot, "h-how did you get back?" CHIP: [Negaduck] Plot hole. Why? > >Negaduck spun around, CHIP: Practicing his ballet.... > his cape flowing after him, CHIP: See? > and simply explained, >"I got into a little trouble with a witch back in another dimension and >she zapped me here. DALE: [Negaduck] Or something. Don't bug me with trivial things like a plot. > I assume she didn't realize that she was actually >doing me a favor. Some witch." CHIP: Which witch? MONTY: Samantha? CHIP: Sabrina? DALE: Wendy? > >He turned back around to face The Friendly Four, who were cowering >against the stairway banister. CHIP: *These* are the superheros that have been fighting crime for over nine years? I'm sorry, I'm not buying it. There must have been a mix-up at the Hero Dispatch Desk. > "You guys are still a sorry bunch of >losers," he remarked, ALL: Duh! > "which is unfortunate. I was thinking that if you >had at least acquired a little back bone, MONTY: [Negaduck] I could snap it in half. > I MIGHT consider letting you >work for me." CHIP: [Negaduck] The bathroom needs new wallpaper, and I could use help putting up that rack in the rec room. > >At that, Gosalyn stood and pointed the sword's blade at Negaduck's >throat. DALE: [Gosalyn] One more step and I'll fire! > >"There was a reason we wanted you gone in the first place," she said, MONTY: [Gosalyn] You and your karoke nights! >"and that's because you're a tyrant and you don't deserve to live." She >looked at Negaduck, who was still facing her, calmly, with his arms >crossed. CHIP: [Negaduck] You're supposed to have the pointed end facing *away* from you, dolt. > >"But," she continued, "even though you treated me lousy when I was a kid, DALE: [Gosalyn] I wrote a book about it and netted millions, so it's cool. >and even though the awful condition of this city is your fault... CHIP: Not counting the Matterhorn-sized apathy displayed by the Four thus far. > I was >raised properly by The Friendly Four...and I can't kill you." CHIP: [Gosalyn] I'm too lazy. Could you just fall on this sword for me? Come on, be a dear. > >She lowered the blade and narrowed her eyes. DALE: Ooooo... can she rub her belly and pat her head at the same time, too? > "Get out," she ordered, MONTY: [Gosalyn] No shoes, no pants, no service! >pointing to the door with the sword, "and don't come back." DALE: Boy, she's reading him the riot act. > >Negaduck lowered his head and began walking towards the door. DALE: [Negaduck] I was just trying to say I was sorry.... > The >Friendly Four watched him go, confusion apparent in their eyes. CHIP: And incompetence overflowing from every pore. > Even >Gosalyn was taken aback. MONTY: [Gosalyn] He's even dumber than the Friendly Four! > She had been wanting to give Negaduck a little >speech for years and even scare him. DALE: So she started dancing the Macarana. > But, she was almost certain >Negaduck wasn't scared of anything. MONTY: Except for those people who gave questionnaires in the mall. They were just plain creepy. > Especially a teenage girl wearing a >pink costume CHIP: The Pink Ranger is enough to scare anyone away. DALE: I still can't believe *those* "Rangers" got a movie.... > and brandishing a one hundred year old sword. MONTY: One that was unloaded, even! > >However, here he was...leaving without so much as a word in argument. MONTY: He's mellowed as he's aged. CHIP: Maybe the "Apathetic Four" have an area of effect? >Gosalyn smiled, utterly pleased with herself. DALE: [Gosalyn] I kicked a mortal version of hell out and still have time to catch Dr. Laura! > >Then, in nothing but a blur of red and yellow, MONTY: The "Dangermouse" title shot was badly out of focus. > Negaduck spun around and >threw a knife a >_____________________________________________________________________ >You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. DALE: Argh! CHIP: Of all the times for a commercial break! MONTY: Friggin' programers.... >Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com >Or call ALL: Ghostbusters! > Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] > >t Gosalyn. DALE: [Mr. T/Gosalyn] I pity the fool that be puttin' down my baby pink dress! > >No one had seen it coming, MONTY: Because they're idiots. > but seconds after the knife found it's target, >Liquidator lunged forward and caught Gosalyn as she fell to the floor. CHIP: Not that it made a difference, really. > >"See ya, Saps!" called Negaduck, knowing that the do-gooders were too >concerned about the little girls well being to follow him. MONTY: Girls? Oh, Gos must've been cloned! Whew, no sweat then -- one of 'em will be okay. DALE: Stab all you want; we'll make more! CHIP: Guys... that's bad. Not a "Blood and Metal" bad, or a "Quest for Camelot" bad, but just plain bad! DALE: Aw, come on, Chipper, it's not like Gos is going to really die or anything. That'd just be too depressing. > >He walked out the door without so much as a glance back. Not caring that >he had ended the life of a girl who he had once been somewhat of a father >to. MONTY: [Negaduck] Been a big day. I wonder if Denny's is still open? > >Once outside, he turned toward the house next door and, cupping his hands >around his beak, screamed, CHIP: [Negaduck] You're blocking my driveway again! > "hey, Muddleheads! Get out here!" > >A minute later, Herb, Binky, and Honker Muddlefoot walked out their front >door, dressed in their usual black leather and chains. MONTY: Hell's Waterfowls. > The only >difference was that Honker was now a young man. CHIP: Which was impressive, seeing as how he was a goose beforehand. > Following the >Muddlefoots was Launchpad McQuack, a machine gun in his right hand. CHIP: So. Nine years later, and the Four still are letting these notorious villains live *right* next *door* to them?! DALE: Those guys are so dumb.... MONTY: How dumb are they? DALE: They're so dumb, that they're *stupid*, because it takes *two* syllables to express just how dumb they are! CHIP: And this is coming from an expert. DALE: Yeah! ...wait. > >"Negaduck! You're back!" yelled Honker with jubilation. > >"Jovial little bugger, aren't you?" Negaduck commented, sarcastically. >Then, more seriously, he addressed his old cronies, "I'm disappointed >that you let those four idiots mess up my city. MONTY: [Launchpad] Hey, their apathy is contagious! Whattaya want from us? > However, now that I'm >back, I suppose we can put everything back to normal in...oh...a few >hours." DALE: [Negaduck] But first, martinis! > >The Muddlefoots and Launchpad grinned, wickedly. CHIP: [Muddlefoots and Launchpad] Duh... friend. > >"Let's tear up the town!" CHIP: Slogan of any highway construction crew. > ordered Negaduck and they all took off, >together again for the first time in nine years. DALE: Cristi makes it sound so nice.... > CHIP: [Operator] If you think that the Apathetic/Stupid Four are utterly worthless and should be shot, press the star key three times. > * * * CHIP: [Operator] Thank you. Your vote has been stored in our database, which is updated hourly. > > Inside the house at 537 Avian Way, The Friendly Four heard >everything that Negaduck was saying, but it did not register with them. MONTY: They're dumb. We've established this. >They were all too busy holding Gosalyn in their arms. MONTY: I have to admit, feelin' the blood of your foster child stain your clothes is somethin' to be cherished. [Chip and Dale chuckle, then pause.] CHIP: You were being sarcastic, right? > They knew that >someday the pain they were feeling at that moment would ebb away, DALE: After a few hours of watching golf and eating pork rinds. > and >then they would fight Negaduck again. CHIP: But not today. Next week... a few months, maybe. Hard to say. > Until then, it really didn't >matter what he did to the city. MONTY: They didn't care about what happened to the city *before*, so what's the big deal?! > It didn't matter what buildings he >destroyed. DALE: He had started with the shrine to Hanson, so it's not like anyone objected. > He had already, though unintentionally, destroyed one of the >greatest commodities the city had known. MONTY: The only comic shop that carried "The Harveyville Fun Times"? > >And one day, The Friendly Four would have their revenge. > > * * * > > The next day, it wouldn't stop raining. CHIP: Today isn't that day, apparently. > >Bushroot, Megavolt, Quackerjack, and Liquidator stood around the St. >Canard cemetery getting drenched with cold rain; but none of them felt >it. DALE: Especially Liquidator. Having that water body makes it hard to get any more drenched than he already is. CHIP: Wouldn't Megavolt short out in the rain? MONTY: Ah, he must be the after-funeral entertainment. > >Not one of them spoke. MONTY: Not hard, as Bushroot was the only one to say *anythin'* so far. > They hadn't spoken to each other since the >previous day. DALE: Having lost the script pages. > All they had done was prepare Gosalyn for her burial as a >hero, and watched as Negaduck began taking over St. Canard again. CHIP: Rather unconcerned about all of this, aren't they? MONTY: They're out there settin' up lawn chairs.... > Within >twenty four hours, the duck had destroyed nine years of The Friendly >Four's work. CHIP: *What* work?! > Right now, though...it didn't matter. Nothing mattered >except Gosalyn. And their memories. DALE: And the breakfast buffet at the Holiday Inn. > >She had wanted to be a hero so badly. CHIP: Well, she accomplished that. She certainly wasn't any *good* at it. > Ever since the Darkwing Duck >incident. And they had told her she could. > >That was so stupid. CHIP: [annoyed] Hey, so is standing around while the city is being leveled, supposed protectors of the St. Canard! MONTY: [Friendly/Stupid Four] Stupidity. It's what we do best. DALE: Waitaminute... Gos really isn't *dead*, is she? > >Now, all they had left was this little white stone. MONTY: Her pet rock? CHIP: Ironically, she called it 'Tombstone'. > >Raising his arms as if to touch the rain, Bushroot called upon a CHIP: Specter of Apathy to grant its blessing. When it got around to it, anyway. > dozen >bushes of pink roses to rise and encircle Gosalyn's grave. CHIP: Making it a much easier target. > Because he >hadn't helped the others plan her service, MONTY: Oh, come on! How lazy *are* these guys?! CHIP: [Bushroot] Hmm? Oh, you guys go ahead and work on the funeral plans for the girl that we've cared for over the past nine years. "Gardening with Gertie" is on! DALE: [worried] Nah... she' can't be... she just *can't* be.... > he had decided that his gift >to her memorial would be her favorite flowers. > DALE: [his lower lip starting to tremble] I mean, Cristi wouldn't... she couldn't... >Even in the gloom of the day, the roses opened to reveal their beautiful >swirls of color. MONTY: [druggie] Whoa, man, trippin' roses.... > The Friendly Four knew that if Negaduck ever saw these >roses, he would go out of his way to kill them; MONTY: The roses or the Four? CHIP: My money's on the roses -- they're more likely to actually *do* something. > but Bushroot had gone to >great lengths to make sure that they would always come back and bloom in >the spring. Around the time of Gosalyn's birthday. DALE: [defiantly] I mean, she's gotta come back to life now or something. All superheros do! > >Protected by the gentleness of the newborn flowers, The Friendly Four >stood again in silence. CHIP: [Bushroot] Who was supposed to write the eulogy? > >They all stared at the ground, their gazes fixed on Gosalyn's marker. MONTY: [Bushroot] Red was her favorite color from the pack. She sniffed it everyday. DALE: [fighting back the tears] No. She's gonna live. It can't end like this, right guys? [Chip and Monty clear their throats nervously.] > As >they read it over and over again, explosions and fires sprang up from the >city of St. Canard. MONTY: Ah, it's the Annual Hot Chilli cook-off! > The four men heard none of it. MONTY: They're deaf *and* dumb! And mute, seein' as how Bushroot is the only one to have spoken, and that was just for a couple of lines. CHIP: [grumbling] They're a disgrace to crimefighters everywhere.... [Dale sniffles, but refuses to break.] > They were in their >own little world of CHIP: Ineptitude and four-star incompetence. > memories and the sweet smell of roses. All their >attention was on MONTY: Regis and Kathy Lee. > the marble stone and the words carved into it. The >marker simply read: CHIP: [Grave Marker] Great job of protecting me, guys.... > >"Gosalyn Waddlemeyer MONTY: [Grave Marker] A lost sock in life's dryer. > >All for one; and one for all." DALE: [tears welling up] No.... > > >THE END [Dale breaks down bawling.] CHIP: Great. It's "Old Yeller" all over again. >------------------------- CHIP: Ah, Gosalyn's last line, I presume. [Dale attempts to say something, but keeps sobbing uncontrollably.] >A disclaimer...again...oy. I apologize about the sad content of this >story. [Dale falls out of his seat, weeping. Chip sighs and Monterey shakes his head.] > I tried not to make it too sad, because had it been TOO sad, I >wouldn't have been able to deal with it, myself. CHIP: Cristi, do me a favor, and don't write any children's books. MONTY: [Cristi] Kid, life sucks.... [Dale continues his crying on the T.V. Chamber floor.] > All characters in this >story are owned by Disney and have been used without permission CHIP: Or responsibility. > in a >story that is CHIP: A textbook example of nihilism. > copyright © and owned by Cristi Muth. I don't know who >owns The Three Musketeers, CHIP: [Cristi] Because I'm too apathetic to spend five minutes to look it up. > but I DO know that MONTY: *Those* heros were deservin' of the title. > 'The Man in the Iron Mask' >is a book written by Alexandre Dumas. I suppose that it's owned by >whoever takes care of his affairs. MONTY: [English accent] Know what I mean? Nudge nudge, wink wink. [Dale's tears continue to fountain from his place on the floor, slowly drenching Monterey and Chip.] CHIP: Come on, let's get Dale out of here so he can calm down. MONTY: And we can dry off.... [ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ] [Living Room. The trio sit at the table, Dale with a large pile of used tissues in front of him. Chip is trying to keep from getting seriously annoyed, and only succeeding with a minimal margin. Monterey has his eyes shut and looks either at peace or dead.] CHIP: [exasperated] Dale, it was just a fanfic, for crying out loud! DALE: I [sob] am! CHIP: Look, it was just someone's depressing take on a popular set of characters, is all. DALE: [sniffling] But she didn't have to just kill Gos, like that. CHIP: You mean Negaduck? DALE: No! Cristi! I mean, [sniff] Gos didn't die for any reason other than she was there. CHIP: Well, that might have been what Cristi was *trying* to accomplish. Senseless death can be reason enough. DALE: But why?! Gos died [sniffle], so what? Nothing changed. The Four are still standing around doing nothing, St. Canard is still in the toilet, and anyone who reads this is left feeling hollow and empty inside! I mean, just look at Monty! CHIP: Uh, Monty? [Monterey remains quiet and still, perhaps in meditation. Perhaps in rigor mortis.] CHIP: [louder] Monty? Monty! MONTY! MONTY: [apparently waking up] Hmm? Wha? [he pulls a set of earplugs free from his ears] You say somethin', mate? CHIP: [sighing] Never mind. DALE: It's just not right... [he blows his nose] It's not fair. Fanfics should have something happy happening in them, or something. CHIP: Dale, bad things are going to happen. Remember, a lot of fanfic authors think the best way to bring out depth of a character is to put them through some harrowing experiences. DALE: But the only thing that was brought out from the Four was *more* apathy! CHIP: Well... I never said Cristi did it *right*.... [The red bulb blinks, and Chip reaches over and taps it.] CHIP: Well, devas of doom, how do *you* feel? [Workshop] [Gadget and Foxglove sigh sadly. Foxglove still wears the battered coveralls, and Gadget's hair is still damp from the Wash-O-Matic explosion.] GADGET: Well, golly, I don't feel much of anything really. FOXGLOVE: Me neither, actually. That apathy was really contagious. Why don't you hit the button, Gadget? I don't feel like it. GADGET: Nah, I really don't feel like it, either. You've done it more times, so go ahead. FOXGLOVE: But I'm tired of it now. It's boring. Maybe you'll be more excited about it. GADGET: I just can't get enthused about pushing a button. And that frightens me. [Pause.] FOXGLOVE: Maybe if we just wait, it'll do something by itself. [The credits start to roll over the current scene, while Gadget and Foxglove continue to just watch the button. No music is heard, either. Just the normal sounds of them standing around in the workshop. As the credits near the end, Gadget and Foxglove start to fall asleep.] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] copyright 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack, Gadget, Zipper, and Foxglove are owned by Disney. "The Harveyville Fun Times" (yes, it really exists) is copyrighted [c] and run by Mark Arnold. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This is not, in any way, shape, or form, a personal attack on Cristi Muth, just a note to be a bit more upbeat. Send any comments and questions to MattBat@ix.netcom.com This MiSTing is [c] copyright 1998 by Matt Plotecher. Apathy is something you should avoid, if you feel like it. [As one, Gadget and Foxglove fall asleep, and collapse on the button.] -- FWOOSH! -- >That was so stupid.