[Joel and the bots enter the theater.] > >============================================================================ > > -Chapter IX- > > "Boy, that was good, Monterey," Leviathan remarked as he headed for the >main room of Ranger HQ. The other Rangers followed him and settled down on >the couch to watch the evening news. CROW: [Chip] Dum dee dum... maybe there will be a special feature on how rodents could attack Professor Nimnul.... > Leviathan turned to Chip. "Chip, is >there a guest room here? I'm going to go ahead and get some sleep." TOM: [Dale] We'll wake you up when we begin the torture. ALL: [ala "Teenagers From Outer Space"] TO-CHA! > "Sure, Leviathan, right this way," Chip said as he got up and led >Leviathan to the TOM: Newly excavated pit leading to the coffee grinder. > guest room. As Leviathan entered the room, he turned to his >host. CROW: [Chip] Yes sir, Mr. Leviathan, sir! Nothing's too good for you, Mr. Leviathan! > "You love Gadget, don't you?" Chip was speechless at the accusation. TOM: I never thought of love as something you "accused" someone of. JOEL: Ranger fanfics, Tom. Just like X-Files fanfics. TOM: Point. > "I >noticed how you tried to keep her away from me. I know you love her." TOM: What? JOEL: Yeah, right - if he didn't love her he'd trust you implicitly. GET A CLUE, MORON! > "I...well...er..." Chip could no longer contain his thoughts and >emotions. TOM: And told Leviathan exactly what he thought of him. > He ran to the door, shut it, and locked it, then turned to >Leviathan. "Yes! Yes, I love her! I love her more than any girl I've ever >known! Ever since the first day I saw her, I loved her with all of my heart >and soul! I've wanted to tell her for so long! It's tearing me apart inside!" CROW: [Leviathan] No, that's the parasite I snuck into your food. Sucker! > "Then tell her," Leviathan said. It half sounded like an order and half >sounded like a request. JOEL: And all sounded like a Mary Sue character. > "Maybe she loves you, too." > > "NO!!!" Chip exclaimed. CROW: [Chip] That'd be horrible! > "I can't tell her! Do you know how the other >Rangers would react if Gadget and I told them we were in love? Especially >Dale! He's been competing with me over Gadget ever since we first saw her!" TOM: [Leviathan] Just tell him, 'Nyah, nyah nyah nyah nyah!'. > "That doesn't matter. Tell her you love her. Even if she rejects you, at >least you'll have gotten it off of your chest. You'll feel better if you do." JOEL: Yeah. Sure. TOM: Sounds like the voice of experience.... JOEL: Don't go there. CROW: He'll throw you against the wall, Tommy. JOEL: I can vouch *that* is the voice of experience. TOM: Oh. >Leviathan laid his crutches against the wall and sat on the bed. "Trust me. >You may never again get the chance to tell her. Do it now...before >it's...too...late..." Leviathan trailed off as he laid down and went to >sleep. CROW: [Chip] Nope, that didn't sound like a threat. Not one bit. > 'Maybe he's right,' Chip thought. 'Maybe I should tell her before it's >too late.' Chip unlocked the door, opened it, then left the room and shut the >door quietly behind him. * * * CROW: With a 'pice' of wood. TOM: C'mon Crow - the spelling isn't bad. The plot, characterizations, and moral compass, now... > Later that night, Leviathan awoke, almost immediately, after hearing a >small crash next door--the kitchen. He walked over to the next room, without >his crutches, to find Gadget cleaning up a small spill and picking up some >broken glass. JOEL: Okay, so we're talking about glass that broke after falling maybe three inches? > "Oh, Leviathan, did I wake you? I'm sorry, really," Gadget said. CROW: [Gadget] I wanted you to be asleep as I opened your veins. > She >cleaned up the water she had spilt, while Leviathan cleaned up the glass. "I >came down for a glass of water, but my hand slipped and I dropped the glass." > > "That's okay, Gadget. We all make mistakes," TOM: [Leviathan] Like me - I torture people. D'Oh! > Leviathan replied as he >threw the glass in a nearby trash can, then started for the door. "Well, good >night, Gadget." > > "Leviathan, wait." Gadget grabbed Leviathan's arm. He turned his head to >look at her. "Your parents...I just wanted to know, well, were they nice >people?" JOEL: [Gadget] Apart from the beatings, of course. > "Yes, Gadget. They were good people. I really wish you could have met >them." TOM: I just don't believe this.... > "But..." > > "I forgave them after every time after they beat me. I had no other >family, like you, so I had no other choice but to do so. TOM: Actually, wasn't his other choice to run away, which he *did*? > I felt so bad >leaving them. That's why I went back. I wanted to make amends. Then..." CROW: So he's abused, and thinks he needs to make amends? JOEL: Actually, that's not unusual. CROW: Oh. That's depressing. > "Oh." Gadget touched the door. "Ow! Darn splinters!" CROW: If she gets splinters that easily, wouldn't walking around barefoot all the time be... well... really dumb? > She and Leviathan >looked at her hand. It was bleeding slightly. TOM: He began to salivate, as her pain stimulated him. > "Where do you keep your bandages?" * * * > > Gadget led Leviathan to her workshop, where she kept a small amount of >medical supplies (among other things). "Amazing...did you build all of these >things?" CROW: No, Gadget did. TOM: Wait, I think that was Leviathan talking. JOEL: I think it was the door again. > "Yea, why do you ask?" Gadget handed him a bandage. > > "It's just that...I've never seen anything like this before..." CROW: His robots didn't count? TOM: All they can do is beat the hell out of women. Spec issue. >Leviathan trailed off as he placed the bandage on Gadget's hand. Suddenly, >Gadget took his paws in hers, then leaned over and kissed him. Leviathan drew >back, startled. "Wha...why did you do that?" CROW: [Gadget] Your beating me unconscious and kissing me against my will awakened the dormant woman within. JOEL: Crow... CROW: Call me a liar, Joel. Read this fiction and tell me I'm wrong. JOEL: Okay, sorry. > "I...I don't know..." Gadget put her paw to her head and sat down. "I >just...felt something, and...I just..." TOM: [Shatner] Lives... four hundred... crewmen... at stake! > "Gadget, you care for me, don't you?" TOM: I understand the sequel to this is "The Story of G." JOEL: No, it was "9 1/2 Squeaks." CROW: You're both wrong - he wrote a whole series of books set on the planet Gor-gonzola. > "Well, of course, you're our guest, and..." CROW: [Gadget] And I always kiss our guests. JOEL: No wonder the Ranger Tree got five stars from Fodors. > Gadget had quickly tried to >cover up something. Leviathan sensed it. [Everyone snickers, rudely.] > "I mean, personally. As like, say, a brother? Or a boyfriend?" Now it >was Gadget's turn to be startled. "Truthfully, now..." > > "A...a boyfriend," Gadget whispered. She looked down, as if she was >ashamed to admit it. CROW: Considering who we're talking about, she should be. > Leviathan now was starting to realize something. JOEL: [Leviathan] My... God. I'm a Mary Sue and I work better as a villain. > He >turned away from Gadget. > 'I understand her,' he thought. 'I'm the only person, from what I can >tell, that's ever understood her. She loves me because I understand her.' He >shook his head, then turned to face Gadget. "Gadget, don't be ashamed." TOM: [Leviathan] You're a submissive tramp, but you should be proud of that. > Gadget >looked back up. Leviathan placed his hands on her shoulders. "I want you to >understand something. I've met many women during my adult life, and most of >them have fallen in love with me. CROW: No, they said that to stop the beatings. > I can never make a commitment, however, >because of my line of work. TOM: Does he think Gadget sells Tupperware? > Even though you're the most beautiful mouse I've >ever seen"--Gadget blushed--"I could never start a relationship with you, or >any other mouse. CROW: [Leviathan] Who consents. > Now, don't think that I don't care for you, because I do. >Just not in the way you had hoped. Understand?" JOEL: No, she only speaks Canadian. > "I...think so..." Gadget said, slightly dejectedly. "It's just >that...well... CROW: [Gadget] I...really...liked...the...cattle...prod.... > you're the only person who's ever understood me. I just wanted >it to be true...that someone loved me..." Leviathan now thought about what >Chip had said. TOM: Torturer and matchmaker. JOEL: We could write a musical comedy and call it "Maim." > 'Someone does, Gadget. Someone loves you very much,' he thought. "Listen, >Gadget. Let's just go to bed and not tell anyone about this little, er, >incident. Okay?" Gadget nodded her head in agreement. CROW: [Gadget] Yes sir, Leviathan, anything you say, Leviathan. > "Leviathan?" The inventor looked up at her dark savior. "Just out of >curiosity, would you have, well, commited to me?" TOM: No, you consented. > "Without a doubt, if my life was different, yes, I would have." Leviathan >then looked down at his legs. "Well, well, look at me. I forgot my crutches." > > "But you've been walking perfectly all this time! How is that?" TOM: Joel, do you suppose there's the slightest chance we'll ever meet a Mary Sue character who is not based on Wolverine? JOEL: I don't know. > "I can't tell you right now. Maybe some other time?" CROW: I call no way. If he's got a mutant healing factor, why does he have a scar? TOM: Because that was caused by silver, which does aggravated damage. CROW: Oh. > "Uh, sure. Good night, Leviathan!" Gadget left the workshop. Leviathan >slowly followed, but sensed he was being watched, and turned in the opposite >direction Gadget was walking to see a familiar silouhette disappear to another >room. Leviathan quickly ran towards it, then looked in the window of the door >the figure had entered. He saw a sheet slowly falling over a chipmunk in a >bottom bunk. CROW: So Gadget's a bottom. JOEL: Right. CROW: And Chip's a Peeping Tom - here and back at the hospital. JOEL: Right. CROW: What about Dale? TOM: He subscribes to the Not-Furry Image Archives at the Velan Central Library. CROW: And Zipper? JOEL: Macro/Micro, obviously. CROW: And Monty's oral, most likely. Okay... who'll go halfsies on a hit man? > -END Chapter IX- > > >============================================================================ > > -Chapter X- > > "Well, good morning, everyone," Leviathan said as he entered the main >room of Ranger HQ. He did not want to say anything directly to Gadget right >off, or to Chip, who also knew what had transpired that night. JOEL: Right - act natural. > He was >fortunate, however, because it seemed like the Rangers were busy. "What's up?" CROW: [Chip] Oh, we just decided to advance the plot while you were asleep. > "Oh, hi, Leviathan!" Gadget exclaimed. Then she turned back to Chip. "Are >you sure Foxglove didn't come in? I mean, she's not in my room, but maybe >she's outside in the tree." > > "I checked every branch I could get to that Foxglove might rest on, but >she wasn't there," Chip replied. TOM: Isn't that 'rest under?' > "Crikey, mates, d' you think she's still in the city?" Monty asked. CROW: [Monty] Even after th' way Leviathan slapped her around? > "Maybe she found a good place to rest for the day that was closer than >Ranger HQ, like that Armenian church," Dale said. Then the Rangers realized >that they were neglecting their current guest. TOM: So, taking out fondue forks - JOEL: You really dislike this character, don't you? TOM: Maybe it's just the fact he hasn't said anything remotely like, "Gadget, I'm really sorry I beat the crap out of you." I mean, even granted he was under mind control, some kind of apology would seem to be in order. > "Oh, Leviathan, did you sleep well?" Gadget asked. JOEL: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. TOM: [Gadget] I'm acting natural. > "Yea, did you?" Chip turned and gave Leviathan a real nasty look only he >saw. Leviathan paid no attention to it. CROW: [Leviathan] I disdain these insects.... > "The best sleep I ever had," he answered. TOM: [Leviathan] *I'm* acting natural! > "I was listening to your little >discussion. CROW: [Leviathan] You should feel honored by this. > There is the possibility that Foxglove may have been kidnapped by >Nimnul and Fat Cat." TOM: There is also the possibility that she is running for the post of Prime Minister of Canada and is on the set of "Royal Canadian Air Farce." JOEL: Or that she doesn't perch in direct sunlight, like Dale pointed out. CROW: But Leviathan is... Leviathan. > "Golly, why didn't we think of that?" TOM: Because you didn't skip ahead in the script? > "Too right, mate! They'll be trying to lure us into a trap with Foxglove >as the bait!" JOEL: If I assumed someone had been captured by my enemies every time they showed up late for breakfast.... > "So what do we do?" Chip asked. CROW: Yep, that's Chip all right. > "I have an idea," Leviathan said. TOM: [dully] Surprise, surprise. > The Rangers eagerly listened as their >guest explained a plan to use just in case Foxy had been kidnapped--because >they already going to pay a visit to Nimnul's lab that day. * * * CROW: They were? JOEL: Sure. That's the plot - remember? CROW: Well... no. > "Do you really think this plan'll work?" Chip said to Leviathan. TOM: Do Mary Sues ever come up with plans that don't? > The duo, >along with Dale, were riding in the Rangermobile. Gadget, Monterey Jack, and >Zipper CROW: Who? > followed closely overhead in the Ranger Wing. > "I've tried riskier plans, and they've all worked. Besides, I've heard >you've tried some pretty dangerous plans yourselves." TOM: [Leviathan] Of course, without me, they didn't work. CROW: [Chip] You're so cool, Leviathan. > "Hey, that's right, Chip!" Dale exclaimed. Chip made a mental note to >bonk Dale later. TOM: Uh, why? JOEL: Because Dale just said the Rangers get into dangerous situations from time to time. TOM: Huh? > "Hey, Gadget!" Chip shouted to the Ranger Wing. "How much further until >we reach Nimnul's lab?" JOEL: [Chip] I really gotta go! > > "Not much further, guys," Gadget shouted back. CROW: [Dale] Thanks, Triple-A. > "Well, let's make sure to go in on foot. We don't want Nimnul to see our >vehicles- JOEL: And they brought two because.... > he'll know it's us for sure. CROW: Instead of those other crime-fighting rodents. > Find a place to hide the Rangermobile >and the Ranger Wing, then we'll continue on foot," Chip stated. JOEL: Hey look - for a brief moment, Chip behaved like Chip! > Gadget turned >the Ranger Wing down a dark alley. Only Monty knew where they were. > > "Oh, no...C-C-C-Cat Alley!" CROW: [bewildered] But... but they've all been to Cat Alley.... TOM: And isn't Cat Alley in the middle of town, while Nimnul's lab is in the boonies? JOEL: You know, guys, it's scary when we know more about the show than the actual author. TOM: Or sad. CROW: Or both. > Monty cowered in the back of the Ranger Wing. CROW: Because everyone *knows* Monty is a bed-wetting little coward. >Zipper tried to make him stop, but it was no use. JOEL: Monty's been in "New Ranger" fanfics before, and he knows what is expected of him. > "MEEEEOOOOOWWW!!!" A group of cats had emerged from the darkness to look >at the Rangers and Leviathan. "Well, well, lookee here, fellas!" the first cat >said. "Lunch!" [The screen goes blank. J&TB stand and face the back of the theater. Lights illuminate them, so they are no longer silhouettes. The bots are their usual colors; the special black robots were swapped out before the spots turned on.] JOEL: Welcome to a special part of this show we like to call "Guess the Cliché!" CROW: This is to give our audience a chance to play along with us, from the comfort and security of their own homes. TOM: The rules are simple: we will pose three broad options for the next scene. You have to guess which comes closest to the one selected by the author. CROW: Option A: The Rangers use their *motorized vehicles* to escape the cats. TOM: Option B: The Rangers use diplomacy to convince the cats they should work together. JOEL: Option C: Author avatar beats up everyone in a gratuitous and absurd fight scene. TOM: Once you've made your selection, page down to see if you're correct! JOEL: Good luck! * [Cue Jeopardy theme song.] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [Jeopardy theme music stops. Lights return to normal theater illumination.] > "Not likely," Leviathan shot back. Chip noticed something. CROW: Because he is a detective, you know. > The minute the >cats had come out, Leviathan changed his expression from one with a smile on >his face to one of anger and concern. CROW: Leviathan was smiling? > He also noticed that four claws had >emerged from his left sleeve at about the same time. CROW: Wait -- did Leviathan just stab Chip in the arm? JOEL: No, 'he' and 'his' refer to different people. CROW: Ah -- pronouns. > Leviathan jumped at the >cats. [Everyone cheers and whistles.] TOM: [Chip] Quick -- while he's distracted we can escape to a Meghan Brunner story, where love is gentle and positive. > "What the...!" Chip was genuinely concerned for Gadget's dark savior. JOEL: Because...? >But, as unlikely as it seemed, when the smoke cleared, it was Leviathan who >had come out on top. TOM: [Sarcasm Sequencer] Ooo-- what a plot twist! JOEL: For those participating in our home contest, "C" is the winner. >He was standing on top of the first cat, with the other >two begging for mercy. His claws were now gone. CROW: Claws for alarm, I guess. > "Alright, listen up." JOEL: [Ash] You primitive screwheads-- >Leviathan jumped down off of the cat's belly and >stood at his head. CROW: [Leviathan] Time for my yoga. > Now every cat in Cat Alley--much to Monty's extreme >dislike--was watching this mouse. TOM: This does kind of sum up Mary Sues, doesn't it? The main characters all sort of standing around, forming an admiring audience... > "You're going to let my friends park their >things here and come back here to get them later. If you so much as brush a >whisker against either of these vehicles or my friends, I will personally make >every one of your faces look like his. CROW: Whose? TOM: Ernest Borgnine? JOEL: Lance Henriksen? > Understood?" Every cat meowed yes in >fear. JOEL: Food chain? What food chain? > "Okay, Gadget, it's safe!" The Ranger Wing slowly descended and landed >beside Leviathan. TOM: [Gadget] Darn. Missed. >The Rangermobile was parked right behind it. CROW: [Chip] If you get out of my way, I can still run him over. TOM: Say, Joel, I've noticed you haven't come up with any Leviathan death riffs. JOEL: I'm still working through my guilt. TOM: You are the foot of justice. CROW: Gandhi would approve. > "Mate, you gotta stick around for a while! We could use your help!" Monty >told Leviathan. JOEL: [Monty] 'Cause we're so helpless and noodly.... >After seeing what Leviathan did, he, like Gadget, was now sure >that he would be a perfect addition to the Rescue Rangers. CROW: Doesn't the audience get to vote? > "I'll think about it," Leviathan responded. JOEL: Lord, I have not asked you for much, but please let him take a position with the SWAT Rats. >He looked at the cat he had >just clawed. He was getting up, and was obviously a little peeved. JOEL: The cat? TOM: Leviathan? CROW: The door? >All of the >Rangers stared at the cat's face. It was now covered with four scars on the >right side. "So, you're back for more, huh?" Leviathan unsheathed his claws. > > "Uh, well, heh, I, er, gotta get going, nice to meet you!" The cat ran >off quicker than any cat the Rangers had ever seen run--even Fat Cat. JOEL: I'm just so blown away by his machoness and stuff. CROW: Oh yeah. When I think of testosterone, I'll always think of this guy. > "Well, let's go," Chip ordered. All of the Rangers and Leviathan exited >Cat Alley and headed for Nimnul's lab. * * * CROW: Only eight miles away.... > > "Well, well, well, they're right on schedule," Fat Cat said as he looked >into a monitor on a computer about his size. The monitor showed a picture of >the Rangers and Leviathan headed for Nimnul's lab. TOM: Showing they were headed for Nimnul's lab. CROW: As they headed for Nimnul's lab. JOEL: So they are headed for Nimnul's lab? > "Good news, Professor; JOEL: [Gilligan] We found a tree sap that acts like SuperGlue! >they're closing in." > > "Goody! Our trap worked!" TOM: They had a trap? JOEL: You remember, Foxglove was late for breakfast so Leviathan looked ahead a few pages in the script. TOM: Oh, that's right. CROW: Hey wait a minute - the Rangers were going to go to Nimnul's lab, right? JOEL: Right. CROW: And then Leviathan said he had a plan, right? JOEL: Right. CROW: And now they're going to Nimnul's lab, right? JOEL: Uh.... CROW: So... what was Leviathan's plan? TOM: Uh... to go to Nimnul's lab. CROW: But-- > Nimnul walked toward Fat Cat. He was human, CROW: Uhm, is this news, really? JOEL: Earlier they said he might be trapped in mouse form. CROW: Oh, that's right. > and >for some strange reason, wearing a small box around his neck. CROW: I'm guessing that's a small box on a necklace. > He could even >understand what Fat Cat had said. TOM: I'm glad the author told us that Nimnul understands Fat Cat, because you'd never know from the CONVERSATION THEY ARE HAVING! JOEL: Easy, easy... >"When will they be here?" > > "Knowing them, sometime in the next five minutes," Fat Cat replied. "You >can always count on those rodents to be on time." JOEL: Oh, they called ahead and made an appointment. CROW: I guess we can scratch the covert approach tactic. > "Tell me about it," Nimnul joked. [Everyone laughs raucously at this brilliant bon mot.] > He looked over to a nearby cage. "And >thank you for your help, dear. Without you, I would have never got this little >device." He held up the box to the cage. Foxglove could only stare at Nimnul >with despair. TOM: [Foxglove] Oh, pootertoots. > She knew what Nimnul and Fat Cat were planning for her friends. >She wanted to try and stop them, CROW: Stop her friends? > but due to the cage, she couldn't even try. ALL: Quitter! > 'If only there was some way I could warn them,' CROW: But... why would she warn Nimnul and Fat Cat? TOM: Would someone just revoke this author's pronoun license? > she thought bitterly. 'If >those two hadn't forced me to get Gadget's voice box, JOEL: Oh, yuck! CROW: I'm wondering how Foxglove took Gadget's voice box without her noticing, or impairing her ability to speak. TOM: It's a reference to another fanfic. "Home is Where You Hang Upside Down." It's one of Gadget's inventions, and lets animals talk to Humans. JOEL: Oh. CROW: But... then, shouldn't Fat Cat be wearing it? TOM: Uhhh... let's move on. > they wouldn't be the >team that they are right now. I've got to help the Rangers! CROW: Win the Stanley Cup! > I can't let Dale >get hurt!' She sat down and thought harder than she ever had before. TOM: Which was distressingly easy. > -END Chapter X- > > >============================================================================ > > -Chapter XI- > > "We're almost there, Rangers," TOM: Just a few more chapters to go! > Chip told the team. They had almost scaled >the hill road that led to Professor Nimnul's lab. TOM: Like in "Angels' Revenge." JOEL: In what? TOM: [singing] They're running, and running, and running, and running running running! > Now their purpose was two- >fold: save Foxglove, CROW: Who they have no way of knowing is in any danger at all... > and stop Fat Cat and Nimnul. TOM: Not that the Rangers know they have any plans... > "Just a little bit longer, >and we'll be there." > > "Then let's get up there quick! Who knows what they've done to Foxglove!" JOEL: [Chip] Dale, how do you know she's in trouble? >This came from Dale, who was now running--something the Rangers had hardly >ever seen him do. TOM: More than five or six times in every one of sixty-five TV episodes. > After witnessing this rare event, the others now used their >reserved energy and started to run up the hill behind Dale. ALL: [singing] Over hill, over Dale / We work for less than Union scale.... > > "Come on...we can't--aaahhh!" Leviathan fell down and clutched his left >leg. "My leg..." JOEL: Hey, maybe there will be a plot twist, and we'll see that Leviathan really is working for the bad guys! TOM: Stop trying to cheer me up. > "Guys, go ahead." Gadget stopped running and turned back to Leviathan. >"I'm gonna help Leviathan." CROW: [Gadget] Sure! Let's split the team up before going to meet the two major villains of the series! TOM: [Chip] Great idea! We'll leave you alone with this dubious guy who tortured you yesterday. > "No." Leviathan glanced at Chip, who looked half relieved to hear the >word. He slowly stood up. "You go with the Rangers, Gadget. I'll be up there >shortly. Trust me." TOM: Uh, why? > Gadget had no choice but to nod and continue running up to >Nimnul's lab. CROW: Because otherwise she would be showing independent thought. TOM: And we can't have that. > "Gadget-love, why didn't ya try to change his mind?" CROW: Because she hates him? > "There's something about him...I can't put my finger on it, but it makes >you believe every word he says," JOEL: Well, to be fair, they did swallow that mind-control stuff. > Gadget replied, slightly lying. She knew why >she left Leviathan behind, and although she didn't know it, Chip knew why, >too. CROW: Anybody got a clue? TOM: No. JOEL: Well, she loves him. TOM: So she leaves him behind with a bad leg? > "Well, the more time we spend talking, the less time we've got to save >Foxglove, TOM: Who was _Late for breakfast_. JOEL: And since she doesn't have a watch, that's probably pretty common. > so let's move out!" Chip turned to face Nimnul's lab. > > "Rescue Rangers, AWAY!" * * * > > "Hello! Anybody home?" Dale called into the darkness. TOM: I'd say they need to invest in sneak training. > They had found a >way to get into Nimnul's lab with ease, and were now searching for any signs >of life within it. "Foxglove?" > > "Over here, Dale!" Foxglove cried. CROW: [Foxglove] I'm not going to mention that Fat Cat and Nimnul called me bait in a trap, because I'm as stupid as two pieces of dry toast. > The Rangers followed the sound of her >voice over to her cage, where they found her standing up. TOM: That's a strange detail. > "Foxglove, are you okay?" Gadget asked. "I mean, have they done anything >to you?" JOEL: Oh, God, there's going to be another bondage flashback... > "Not yet, we haven't!" All of the lights came on at once. The Rangers, >startled, turned to see Fat Cat and a human Professor Norton Nimnul step out >from the remaining shadows. CROW: What? TOM: Did they figure Foxglove flew into Nimnul's lab and locked herself into a cage? JOEL: And for the last half hour, they somehow knew Foxglove was a prisoner, but they suddenly forgot? > "Ingenious device, this voice box! Wouldn't you >say, my dear?" He stared at the inventor of the device. TOM: [Gadget] No, that would be immodest! > "What..." Gadget turned to Foxglove. > > "I'm sorry, Gadget...they hypnotized me...I couldn't help it..." CROW: Okay, but if she's hypnotized, why the cage? > "It's alright, Foxglove." Gadget patted Foxy's shoulder. JOEL: [Gadget] We're all under the same "Coercive Plotline" spell. > > "QUIET!!!" Fat Cat stood up. "Now, Professor, what's the best way to >exterminate pests in your average household?" CROW: [Dale] Uh... you give them a lot of food and let them go away? TOM: Please don't remind us how the characters actually act. It makes it hurt more. > "A cat, of course," replied the deranged little man. TOM: Is this author self insertion? JOEL: Bad Tom. > "But since this is >an out-of-the-ordinary household, we need an out-of-the-ordinary cat! And I've >created the best one ever!" The Rangers weren't going to try and make a break >for it, for two reasons: CROW: One: they have to let Leviathan save them. TOM: Two: chipmunks really aren't very smart. > Foxglove wasn't safe, CROW: She's stuck between Second and Third base. > and Nimnul or Fat Cat might >stop them with another trap before they could escape. JOEL: Oh, that's a good reason. TOM: The ship's sinking -- why don't you get into the lifeboat? CROW: Because the lifeboat might sink too. > So all they could do was >stand still. JOEL: Damn this limited animation! > "Behold, Rescue Rangers--the device that will finally get rid of you, >once and for all!" JOEL: TV executives? > Fat Cat laughed manically as Nimnul pulled the sheet off of >his latest invention. "The ultimate robotic feline! It will chew you up, then >grind what remains of you up in his gears! CROW: [Nimnul] Which will gum up the system, shutting it down and allowing the rest of you to escape to wreck bloody vengeance on me later... wait. > Try and stop this marvelous >invention!" TOM: Oh, beta testing! > "Mates, you can officially start to panic." * * * > > "Oh, man, what did I do to deserve this?" Leviathan thought out loud. TOM: Would you like an alphabetical list? >"I've got to get up there quickly!" It had been only a few seconds after the >Rangers had left him behind, but he was determined to catch up with them. "How >do I get up there quickly?" JOEL: Leaving their motor transport back in Cat Alley no longer seemed like a good idea. TOM: Because it would get him up there quickly. > He thought for a second, then raised his right >arm. CROW: To flag down a passing mouse taxi. > A grappling hook came out, then clamped on to a nearby rock. Leviathan >pulled himself up, then slid down the other side rather roughly. TOM: Nice thinking. Why didn't you go around the rock, brainiac? > He saw the >Rangers, although they didn't see or hear him. CROW: Actually, they were just pretending not to recognize him. TOM: [Chip] Mill around, people, mill around. > They were now in front of >Nimnul's lab. > > "Try and find a air vent, Zipper," Monty said. Zipper saluted, then flew >around the domed building. He then landed back on Monty's shoulder, shrugging. CROW: [Zipper] No air vents -- guess everyone inside's suffocated. > "Well, let's try and find another way in. Maybe there's a hole in the >wall somewhere," JOEL: Or a door. > Chip suggested. The group spilt up, and soon they had found a >hole in the side of the wall. ALL: Somewhere. > Leviathan watched closely as each Rescue Ranger >crawled into the hole, then disappeared into the darkness. > > "Well, that's their escape route, I hope. Now it's my turn to get in." TOM: [Leviathan] Or - die trying! JOEL: Where did that come from? TOM: It's the only tough guy cliché he hasn't used yet. >Leviathan unsheathed his claws, then started to scale the side of the >building, with a little help from the grappling hook. TOM: And he didn't just use the same hole the Rangers did because...? > When he reached the >glass, JOEL: Glass? CROW: I thought Chip was the peeping tom. > he stopped. Now Leviathan could hear the Rangers and their two >adversaries. > > "...since this is an out-of-the-ordinary household, we need an out-of- >the-ordinary cat! And I've created the best one ever!" Leviathan noticed that >the Rangers were next to a cage with a bat in it; he assumed that the captive >was Foxglove. Seeing Nimnul enraged him. JOEL: Nimnul still owed him for the job. > 'That's the human who forced me to harm Gadget! Just wait until I...' TOM: [Leviathan] Can remember the rest of that line! > He >was going to finish his thought, but looked back inside to see the biggest and >meanest looking robot he had ever seen. JOEL: Including the ones he built to beat up Gadget. > "The ultimate robotic feline! It will chew you up, then grind what >remains of you up in his gears! Try and stop this marvelous invention!" Fat >Cat laughed. Leviathan didn't catch what Monty had said, and he didn't care, >either. CROW: Monty was a mere original character, after all. > He wanted revenge. He stood on the glass, and after taking a deep >breath, stomped on it. JOEL: Wait, is he on a skylight? TOM: Yep. And any minute now, we'll be expected to believe that a mouse can stomp on plate glass and break it. > > -END Chapter XI- > > >============================================================================ > > -Chapter XII- > > "What was that?" Nimnul screamed. He had heard a plate of glass shatter, >then saw a mouse--or what appeared to be a mouse--fire a grappling hook that >connected with a nearby pipe and swing over to a nearby computer. > > "Nimnul, meet Leviathan!" Gadget taunted. CROW: [Nimnul] We met when I hired him to torture you. TOM: [Leviathan] Shhh! You're embarrassing me! > She didn't know how he had >gotten up to the lab, or how he had even climbed to the glass dome, but she >did know that her savior was here--and that he'd protect her and the Rangers. JOEL: She must be delirious. > "Stop him! He'll ruin everything!!" Fat Cat shouted. CROW: Fat Cat speaks for the audience. > Nimnul took a remote >control out of his pocket and pressed a red button on it. The robot which had >been silent seconds ago was now active. "Make sure that thing eats him alive!" TOM: Heck, killing him first and then eating him would satisfy us! > > "Sorry, boys, but it won't get the chance." Leviathan shot an arrow at >Nimnul's hands. After having it lodge in his left hand, Nimnul dropped the >remote and yelped in pain. TOM: Needle in the hand takes a human out of the fight. Sure. > "Now, as for you..." He stared at Fat Cat. CROW: [Leviathan] Since I've taken Nimnul out of the fray with a BB pellet.... > "Guys, let's get Foxglove out of here, then help Leviathan!" Chip >suggested. CROW: [Monty] I say we get Foxglove to safety, and then help Fat Cat. > "Me and Zipper'll get Foxglove; you go on ahead!" Gadget exclaimed. Chip >was the only one who was surprised to hear this. He thought that she would >want to help her true love for sure. > > "Right!" Dale and Monterey agreed. By the time the Rangers had crawled to >the floor, Leviathan was already trying to slash at Fat Cat, while the pudgy >pussycat was slowly backing up. CROW: I'm guessing the author never really formed a mental image of this. TOM: [Fat Cat] Oh no! A mouse with retractable claws! If only I had retractable... hey, wait a minute.... > "Alright, mates, what now?" > > "We get the remote and either shut that robot down TOM: Joel, is the robot actually doing anything? JOEL: Not that I can remember. > or turn him against >its creators. CROW: "Turn him against its creators." Just when you thought you couldn't do anything worse with pronouns.... > Dale, distract Nimnul while Monterey and I go for the remote," >Chip said. > "Okay!" TOM: [Chip] Ha ha, Monty, watch that sap run ... okay, let's grab the babes and blow this clambake. > Dale ran towards Nimnul, who had now removed the arrow from his >hand. "Hey, baldie! Down here!" He stuck out his tongue at Nimnul. > > "You little...I'll fix you for sure!" He tried to stomp Dale, but he >quickly dodged the Professor's shoe. Nimnul got angrier and tried harder to >stomp Dale, completely forgetting about what was going on in the rest of the >lab. TOM: Well, I can see Nimnul doing this. JOEL: See? This really isn't a bad story, if you ignore the Mary Sue character. CROW: And the characterizations. TOM: And the plot. CROW: And the pronouns. TOM: Which leaves what, exactly? JOEL: Spelling. >* * * > > "Hey, Chipper, what button do I press?" CROW: [Monty] I don't see a turn-on-your-owner button... darn, Captain Kirk made this look so easy.... > Monterey and Chip had gotten the >remote control and dragged it over to a safe corner. From what they could see, >the robot was activated, but was awaiting a command. TOM: They could see the C prompt. > Leviathan was still >keeping Fat Cat at bay, CROW: Have you noticed how Nimnul and Fat Cat really don't seem like a pair of major arch-enemies for the Rangers? TOM: Yeah. More like annoying insurance salesman. > and Dale was busy with Nimnul. By the time they had >dragged the remote to safety, Gadget and Zipper had freed Foxglove, and all >three had come over to them. CROW: Not overly enthused, it seems. > > "Try the one marked, 'Off,' Monty," Chip suggested with a bit of sarcasm >in his voice. > > "Oh, yeah...heh, heh..." Monty said. He pressed the 'Off' button, and >almost immediately, the robot shut down. "It worked!" JOEL: See? Another in-character exchange. TOM: I'm beginning to think you're right. > "Now let's get Dale and get out of here!" Chip exclaimed. Then he wished >he hadn't, because he knew what Gadget was going to say. > > "What about Leviathan? We can't just leave him here!" TOM: Sure you can! JOEL: Please? > As much as Chip >hated to admit it, she was right. ALL: BOOOOOOO! > "Gadget, he can take care of himself. TOM: [troubled] But... didn't he just think she was right and couldn't leave him there? > Right now, we've got to get >Foxglove to safety, CROW: Because being a bat, she can't fly out or anything. > and we need to get Dale out of trouble!" Gadget glanced at >Leviathan, then glanced at Dale. > > "Okay, let's get Dale first. But we're coming back for Leviathan!" Chip >had no choice but to agree with Gadget, and the group ran towards Nimnul. At >that same moment, Fat Cat had knocked Leviathan away with his paw and was >running for the remote. Leviathan tried to stand up and stop him, but he >couldn't, and even if he could have, it was too late. JOEL: Gee, it's just one excuse after another to explain away Leviathan's humiliating defeats and failures. > "Now, you Rescue Rodents, prepare to meet your maker!" Fat Cat pressed >the 'On' button, then pressed another button below it. CROW: The 'Air Fluff' button. > The mechanical monster >started to turn to the Rangers, who had now retrieved Dale. CROW: Wait - how did they retrieve Dale? JOEL: Leviathan didn't do it, so who cares? > Now Nimnul moved >out of the way, and the Rangers and Foxglove looked in horror at the giant >metal beast. > > "Foxglove, get out of here!" Dale commanded. > > "Not without you, Dale!" Foxglove replied. She and Dale held each other >tightly. All of the Rangers could see that Leviathan wasn't able to stand up, >much less run over and distract either of the two madmen who had them trapped. CROW: And if Leviathan can't save them, they're dead. >Then Gadget did something no one would have ever expected her to do--she >sprinted over to Leviathan. TOM: Yeah, it's not like she's supposed to be in love with him or anything. > "Stop her!" Nimnul exclaimed. CROW: Uh... why not kill the other five first? > Fat Cat pressed another button, and the >robot cat ran towards Gadget and Leviathan. The remainder of the trapped group >were relieved, TOM: A horrible machine is about to kill our friends! Whew, that's a relief! > but only for a second, because Fat Cat had now replaced the >fake cat. * * * > > "Leviathan, are you all right?" Gadget asked as she ran over to the >fallen mouse. She lifted him up on her shoulders, then hugged him when he >stood up on his own. > > "I'm...fine..." Leviathan looked up and saw the robot in front of them. JOEL: Which was waiting patiently for them to finish their dialogue before attacking. TOM: Otherwise it would be impolite. >"Gadget--when I tell you to, run for your life. NOW!!!" Gadget ran away from >Leviathan. TOM: [Gadget] Yes, Master. > He then turned to the tin tabby. "Alright. Let's do this right. >Here, kitty, kitty..." Leviathan jumped out of the way as the giant robot >(well, giant to him, anyway :) snapped at him. He ran over to the computer Fat >Cat had been using. The cat once more leaped at him. > > "LEVIATHAN!!!" Gadget screamed in pure horror. Leviathan fired a >grappling hook and pulled himself up just a second before the cat would have >had him. JOEL: It must be hard to scream that in horror. Maybe she should use a nickname? CROW: She could call him "Levi." TOM: Or "Pancake." JOEL: I said I was sorry! > "I thought it would do that." He pulled himself up to the keyboard, then >looked down to check out the metal feline. It had smashed through the metal >plate at the bottom of the computer, and was now shorting out. Nimnul and Fat >Cat turned to see this. TOM: It's a good thing there's no circuit breaker in that computer to keep it from doing this. JOEL: Name me a cartoon where circuit breakers exist. TOM: Fair enough. I withdraw the comment. > "What happened?" This distraction JOEL: I guess the villains were also wondering who said that. > allowed the Rangers to run over to the >hole they had entered through earlier. Chip instructed Zipper to lead Foxglove >out, then take her at least a few feet away from the lab. CROW: Where she could eat him in private. > > "Gadget! Come on!" Chip shouted to Gadget. She was too busy noticing >something about the computer Leviathan was standing on--it was about to >explode. "Gadget! Hurry!" TOM: I'll concede the circuit breakers, but I am not going to forgive explosive computers. > "I...I'm coming!" Reluctantly, Gadget ran over to the Rangers, unnoticed >by Nimnul and Fat Cat. CROW: [Leviathan] I'll just wait here, then. Dum de dum.... > A few seconds after she reached the hole, however, the >computer exploded. TOM: How? > "Oh no!" Chip exclaimed. CROW: [Chip] One down, now for Wolf and Jonathan Brisby IV. Heh, heh, heh.... > "LEVIATHAN!!! NOOOO!!!" Gadget's voice box was pierced by a bit of >shrapnel in the explosion, TOM: Hope it's the one Nimnul's wearing. > so Nimnul heard none of this, nor did he hear Fat >Cat run for his life. CROW: So I guess the voice box translates the sound of running into English, too? > "I'm out of here!" The kitty kingpin ran for the door and jumped through >it. Nimnul ran for another exit. CROW: Tension. Suspense. Wow. > The Rangers, meanwhile, were holding back >Gadget. > > "I've got to find him! Let me go!" The Rangers forced her to exit with >them. As they crawled out of the hole, they ran away from the fiery lab. When >they were behind a rock, all of the Rescue Rangers ducked as the entire >laboratory exploded. TOM: So not only do cat-sized computers explode, but they also cause entire buildings to explode. Right. CROW: Say what you like about 'Under the Bridge,' at least he wouldn't have a computer blow up. > Shrapnel which should have hit the Rangers was blocked by >the rock. TOM: Then why should it have hit them?!? > When they were sure it was safe, they turned back around. The lab >was completely destroyed. JOEL: Why aren't you cheering, Tom? TOM: Because this won't stop a Mary Sue. > -END Chapter XII- > > >============================================================================ > > -Chapter XIII- > > "Gadget, there was nothing we could do," Monty said as they flew back to >Ranger HQ in the Ranger Wing; Chip was piloting while Gadget, Monterey Jack, >and Zipper sat in the back. Dale had decided to take Foxglove for a drive in >the Rangermobile. JOEL: Nothing like being kidnaped and in a fight for your life to put you in the mood for a drive. > "But we could've searched for him...we..." CROW: [Monty] He's blown to a billion bits, love. JOEL: [Chip] Pink mist. TOM: Yeah, sure. > "Gadget, if we had stayed any longer, we'd have been in that lab when it >went up," Chip explained. "You know we couldn't have saved his life, even if >we had stayed behind." > > "No..." Gadget slammed her head into Monty's chest and cried. CROW: Would it really hurt that much? > He and >Zipper comforted her as they neared the tree which they called home. TOM: [Monty] He's a bloody smear, luv. Grease on the pavement. > Chip was >silent the rest of the way there. > > 'We couldn't have saved him,' he thought. 'We didn't have the time. But >why don't I feel right about it?' JOEL: Chip is generally quite pleased when someone dies for reasons beyond his control. > He thought long and hard about this as he >landed the Wing on the runway. Gadget jumped out and ran inside Ranger HQ. >Monty and Zipper were about to join her, but Chip stopped them. JOEL: [Chip] Monty, Zipper, hold on a moment. > "What is it, Chipper?" Monty inquired. He saw the forlorn look on Chip's >face, then asked Zipper if he'd check on Gadget. JOEL: [Monty] Zipper, ignore the lout. > > "Right, Monty!" the fly replied, then flew into the tree to check on his >friend. Monty and Chip hopped out of the Ranger Wing. > > "What's wrong, Chipper? Why the long face?" CROW: [Chip] I'm working on my John Carradine impression. > "Monty, I...I purposely left him behind..." TOM: Huh? CROW: What? JOEL: How? > "What? But..." Monty was shocked to hear this coming from Chip. "But >why?" TOM: [Chip] Because I have taste. > "I...I heard him and Gadget talking last night. She said that...she loved >him...he...I..." Chip whispered. He looked up at Monterey. He was looking over >at the door. Chip turned to see a tearful Gadget looking at him. He walked >towards her. "Gadget...I..." CROW: Gee, all the Rangers eavesdrop on one another in this fanfic, don't they? > "You...you...left him there?" Gadget asked. Chip couldn't muster up >enough courage to answer her, so he looked down in shame. Gadget simply >slapped Chip in the face, then ran back into Ranger HQ, crying and furious. >She had never felt rage like that before, and couldn't hold back her emotions >any longer. TOM: [doubtful] But... what did Chip do that left.... > "Gadget...Gadget-love, wait!" Monty ran after her, paying no attention to >Chip. He just stood there, not moving one bit. Then he walked to the edge of >the runway and sat on it. When the sun had set and the full moon had arose, >Chip was still sitting there, motionless. * * * TOM: [doubtful] I mean, we all saw what happened. What did Chip do that actually led to Leviathan's unconvincing death? CROW: It's like... Leviathan's clever plan. This fanfic references things that never happened even in this fanfic. JOEL: Don't think about it. The author didn't. > "Dale, look at 'im. He hasn't budged an inch since last night," Monty >said, concerned for Chip. He not only hadn't moved, he hadn't eaten since >yesterday morning, either. "He just ain't the same no more..." CROW: [Monty] Better swap 'im in. > "Maybe if I talked to him..." Dale suggested. Monty shook his head. JOEL: [Monty] It ain't like you've known 'im all 'is life, y'know. > "I don't think that'll do the trick, mate," Monty told Dale. He turned >around to see Gadget coming from the kitchen, where she had just finished >eating breakfast. She came over to the door, looked out its window, and turned >to go back to her room. "Gadget, wait..." She had locked the door when she ran >inside that night, so Monty never got the chance to talk to her. "I just wanna >talk to ya..." CROW: [Gadget] I don't want to talk about my personal relationship with Walt Disney." > "No, Monterey, there's nothing to talk about. Chip let Leviathan die, TOM: But HOW?! > and >as far as I'm concerned, he can stay out there all he wants." Gadget walked to >her room, shut the door, then flung herself on her bed and cried. 'I didn't >mean it that way...but he left Leviathan for dead...' she thought between >sobs. Now Monty had entered the room and sat down beside the weeping inventor. >"Monty...he..." > > "I know, Gadget-love, but he was right, though. If we had stayed behind, >we would've died with Leviathan. We had no choice." He put his hand on >Gadget's shoulder. TOM: [Gadget] Golly, that didn't occur to me.... > "I loved him, Monty...he was the first mouse I ever loved..." CROW: At least in this continuity. > "Why?" TOM: [Gadget] Because he slapped me around. > "Because he understood my life..." Monty was unsure of what this meant. JOEL: Ditto. >"He knew what kind of pain I had gone through when I lost my parents..." TOM: So she's turned on by orphans? CROW: Hope she never goes to Penzance. > "Gadget..." Now Monty understood. "Gadget, Leviathan's gone now. Ya got >to believe it. CROW: I don't. > But now Chipper's fading. Do ya really want that to happen, >Gadget? Do ya want Chip to die?" CROW: [Gadget] Sure. He's icky. > "I...I guess...not..." Gadget sat up and dried her tears. "I better go >talk to him." TOM: Is she a woman, or an emotional band aid? > "Atta girl, Gadget!" He then thought, 'If this doesn't snap Chip out of >it, I don't know what will...' * * * JOEL: Pez? > "Chip?" Gadget whispered. She had walked outside, and was standing a few >inches from Chip. "Can I talk to you?" Chip made no reply or movement >whatsoever, so Gadget slowly walked towards him. "Chip, please..." TOM: And with a single sharp push between the shoulder blades - CROW: YAAAAaaaa! (splat) > "No..." Chip stood up and walked further down the runway. Gadget slowly >followed. "You...you know what I did..." CROW: [Gadget] Actually, I thought it over, and I don't. > "Yes, but..." Gadget didn't want to upset Chip. "I just want to know why >you did that..." TOM: [Gadget] And why we all agreed with you when you did. > "I...I..." Chip couldn't reply. It would mean that he would have to tell >Gadget his feelings for her. He couldn't do that yet. He simply looked down. JOEL: Oh, it's always about you, isn't it, Chip? > "Chip, please tell me. I care about you." This was all Chip could stand. >He ran right by Gadget and started to run down the tree. "Chip! Chip, wait! >I..." > > "What happened, Gadget?" Dale asked. He and Monty had been watching from >inside, and were now outside Ranger HQ. "Why'd he run off like that?" CROW: I'm guessing bathroom. > "I...I don't know..." Gadget suddenly walked to the Ranger Wing and >started it up. > > "Gadget-love, where are ya' goin'?" Monty inquired. > > "To find Chip," Gadget solemnly replied. She took the Ranger Wing up, >then flew it out of the tree and over the city. The other Rangers had no >choice but to wait for both of them to return. They knew that they shouldn't >interfere. CROW: After sitting there without food or water for a day or two, how fast can he be going? > -END Chapter XIII- > > [ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G ] [SoL] [In the foreground, Tom and Crow lean towards one another and whisper malevolently. A pair of Joel-sized slippers sit on the table. In the background, Gypsy is staring at displays on the wall, with an enormous pencil behind one ear, and a clipboard attached to a bracket before her. Tom and Crow look off to stage right, stop giggling, and dive for cover behind the table.] (Joel enters from stage right. He wears a bathrobe clearly embroidered "BATES MOTEL." Somebody's poured a bucket of green dye over his head.) JOEL: [in a soft, mild voice] Gypsy? [Gypsy ignores him.] JOEL: [a bit louder] GYPSY! [Gypsy, startled, turns. If the pencil or clipboard fall off, keep shooting.] GYPSY: Oh, hi Joel -- I'm sorry, I was just concentrating, which gives me a +3 on all IQ based skills.... JOEL: No problem, Gypsy. Have you seen the boys around? GYPSY: Not that I've noticed... say, your head is green. JOEL: Well, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to them about. You see, I was trying to shower this fanfic off, and out of the shower head comes - GYPSY: Wait -- did you say that Crow and Tom aren't here? JOEL: Uh... yes, why? [Gypsy's jaw drops in horror.] GYPSY: Then... then that means they've been captured by our enemies! JOEL: [slightly baffled] Well, maybe, but - GYPSY: And they're bait in a trap, so we'll have to run into it! HIIII-YA! [With this cry, Gypsy turns about and races off the set. Joel watches her, and flinches when a loud crash is heard.] GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here! [Joel "watches" in horror as Gypsy races into another wall, producing another loud crashing noise.] GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here! [Joel notices the slippers on the table. He takes them, looking confused.] JOEL: What are my slippers doing out here? [he pulls one on and an expression of disgust slowly comes over his features.] Peanut butter? [Crow titters audibly, and Tom tries to hush him.] [A loud crash comes from off stage.] GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here! [Joel reaches below the desk and starts to pull. We hear Crow's eloquent "Owie - Owie - Owie" as Joel slowly pulls Crow into view. Joel has Crow's lacrosse mask held firmly between two fingers. It looks like it hurts.] JOEL: Where's Tom, Crow? CROW: I'll never tell! [A loud crash comes from off stage.] GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here! JOEL: Gee, I wonder if strapping a small gold robot on her chest will keep her from denting the bulkheads like that.... CROW: Strap away, Joel, I'll never tell you that Tom's hiding behind the compressed cheese canister. TOM: [from below table] Traitor! CROW: And it was all his idea, too. He used peer pressure against my better judgement. [Tom pops up.] TOM: The only thing that could use peer pressure against you is a slime mold. CROW: Why, you.... JOEL: Pardon me. Tom, why did you put green dye in my shower head and peanut butter in my shoes? TOM: Uh... well... uh... [shakes head violently] Wait! Joel! Don't punish us, because.... CROW: Yeah! Don't punish us, because... because what? TOM: Because, uh... we were under mind control. [Pause.] JOEL: Mind control? TOM: Sure! And it... uh... just wore off all of a sudden. JOEL: Crow, is this true? CROW: Uh... [shakes head violently] uh, yeah! I remember now. Mind control. JOEL: Mind control. TOM: Yeah. CROW: Don't you believe us? JOEL: Well... yes, I believe you. TOM: Ah good. JOEL: [Grabs Tom] Because I'm under mind control too. [A loud crash comes from off stage.] GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here! JOEL: [To Gypsy] Hold on, honey, I've got some cushions here for you! [Joel drags the bots off, as they scream once.] [Commercial sign. As the bumper shot rolls, we hear another crash.] GYPSY: [voice distant and hollow] No trap over here!