[ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G ] [SoL] [Crow is tied spread-eagled, upside down on a frame in the background. Tom, holding a remote control stands in the foreground.] TOM: Ready? CROW: Go for it! [Electric shock noises. Crow shudders as high voltage courses through his body. The lights dim momentarily.] TOM: Well? CROW: Good, but not great. TOM: Okay, I'll go to... the third level! [Louder electric shock noise. Joel stands, appearing on camera in front of the bots.] JOEL: Hi, I'm Joel Robinson, and these are my kooky bots -- TOM: Ready? CROW: Gimmie the juice, mammajamma! [Even louder electric shock noise. Lights flicker.] JOEL: -- Tom and Crow, who are... [Joel looks befuddled] Say, what are you doing? TOM: Oh, we applied simple Boolean logic to the phrase "No pain, no gain." CROW: That's right! Tom said if you set it to NOT (pain) = NOT (gain), and then invert it, you can prove that pain is gain! TOM: And we figure Crow here is in for a lot of gain! Ready? CROW: Gimmie Level 5! [Joel hastens over and snatches the remote from Tom.] JOEL: Guys... I don't think you should be doing this. CROW: Why not? TOM: You can't argue with math, Joel. JOEL: Well, actually, the claim that there's no gain without pain doesn't imply that all pain is gainful. If you picture a Venn diagram with "Pain" as a big circle and "Gain" as a smaller circle inside it, you can see what I mean. TOM: Why'd you have to tell him? JOEL: Shame on you, Tom Servo. CROW: Oh, I knew that. TOM: Uh... you did? CROW: Sure. Now gimmie Level 5! [Tom and Joel look at one another for a long moment. The commercial sign starts to flash.] TOM: Uhm. JOEL: We'll be right back. [Commercials. Consume! Consume!] [Back to the SoL. Joel is bandaging Crow while Tom finishes a conversation.] TOM: Well, all kidding aside, I think Shatner did some excellent work in "The Tenth Level -" [Communication light starts flashing. Tom gets it.] DR. F: Why, if it isn't Algernon and the Stainless Steel Rats. All ready for another day of anguish? [SoL] [J&TB glower at us.] CROW: [whisper] I never liked him. [GIZMONICS] DR. F: Our Invention Exchange this week is "Complainer's Quarterly..." [Dr. F holds up a large magazine, similar in design to a slick annual report that some companies send out to impress their shareholders. The title "Complainer's Quarterly" is written across the top in professional, slab-serif letters.] FRANK: It's meant for the New Age Fandom that's so popular these days. DR. F: [lowering magazine and grinning evilly] Yes, Joel, times are truly changing for the better. The New Age Fandom which Frank is referring to is the type of people who will loudly and brazenly condemn a company, while, at the same time, supporting said company by buying all of the offered products and services. FRANK: People love to complain, but some feel like a hypocrite jumping on the bandwagon when they think that the company's products really are good. DR. F: Enter "Complainer's Quarterly"! Now you can read about all sorts of tips and tactics to not only demean those who state something positive about the company, but also includes ways to avoid feeling guilty about still using the products of the company that you say is the spawn of Hell. FRANK: It's conveniently divided into sections for the top companies people love to criticize, such as Marvel comics, Microsoft, and of course, the Walt Disney Company. Oh, and the one for TSR is being updated for Wizards Of The Coast in the next issue. DR. F: So hop on the bandwagon! If everyone else is doing it, than it must be the right thing to do. FRANK: [suddenly looking thoughtful] Hey. [turns to DR. F.] Is there anything about jumping off bridges in there? [SoL: In the background, Gypsy is on the bridge. She is covered with frost and fog rolls off her as she trembles. Joel is pampering her with a hot water bottle and blanket. In the foreground, Tom and Crow address us.] CROW: How was the spacewalk, Gypsy? TOM: Joel's busy just now, so we're handling the invention exchange. CROW: We were thinking about some of the Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers Fanfic you've been sending us, and we've noticed there's something missing from most of them that keeps them from feeling like Disney. [GIZMONICS] FRANK: Joy? DR. F: An innocent sense of fun? [SoL] TOM: Merchandising! CROW: And so, without further ado, Cambot... [Screen is replaced by appropriate slides while the bots speak on.] TOM: A comic book version of "Also Sprach Zarathustra," starring a surprisingly-bright Dale in the title role. CROW: Widget's Fruit-flavored Prozac. TOM: Shaped like her enemies, and they're chewable. CROW: The Jonathan Brisby IV Genetic Manipulation Kit! Be the first kid on your block to create a chimera! TOM: The An Tham Sun Ginsu collection of sharp and pointy things. CROW: The "Sisters" Game! Players maneuver their Gadgets through a family reunion and try to escape with their lives! TOM: That one's not quite ready to ship yet.... CROW: And, of course, collectable action figures! TOM: Shadow! Pull the string and he betrays you to your enemies! CROW: Wescott! TOM: Send in the proof of purchase for a free gallon of gore! CROW: The Gadget & Caprice Dual Pack! TOM: Will not ship to Canada, Great Britain, or Hong Kong. [GIZMONICS] DR. F: Well, just for alienating everyone on Web Site #9 with in-jokes, I'm sending you "Dark Savior." Hope it hurts. [SoL] [Usual Fanfic Sign Pandemonium.] [G ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Theater] > Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers FanFiction CROW: Uh oh. TOM: You don't suppose.... JOEL: I hope not. > > The Dark Savior Saga" CROW: It's the "D" Word. We're doomed. JOEL: Hey, guys, even the Mads wouldn't do that to us. > > (also known as "Untitled" TOM: He forgot to enter a name in the "File Save As" dialog. > or "Turn Gadget's Hair White!" :) CROW: [Natasha] Ash-blonde, dahlink. > > Written By: "Strider" Stephen T. Stone [Everyone sighs of relief.] TOM: It's not Nowak. We're safe. > Chip Maplewood, Dale Oakmont, JOEL: When did they get last names? TOM: There's no rhyme or reason. > Gadget Hackwrench, Monterey Jack, Zipper, >Geegaw Hackwrench, Foxglove, Fat Cat, and Professor Norton Nimnul are the >property of Walt Disney Animation. CROW: And they can keep them. > Magnolia (Maggie) Oakmont is the creation >of "B&M" Glenn S. Byrnes. JOEL: I don't want to know how he got that nickname, thank you. > Silvia ALL: GERRY! > is the creation of "Robo|\|erd" Robert Noel >Hollingshead. CROW: Joel, does everyone on the net have an annoying handle? JOEL: It's not actually required, no. > The Daring Detectives are the creations of William Shane >Wheeler. JOEL: See? > Jennifer and Geegaw Maplewood, Bridget Hackwrench, Leviathan and Don >are the creations of "Strider" JOEL: Boromir! TOM: Frodo! CROW: Gandalf! ALL: McCloud! > Stephen T. Stone. > > The song Lost in Your Eyes >was originally performed by Deborah Gibson. TOM: Oh, God, someone's going to sing.... CROW: And least Steve didn't chose "Electric Youth". > All characters and events >described within this story are purely and totally fictional, but only to >those with limited or no imaginations. ;) CROW: Or a firm grasp on reality. > -Prologue- TOM: It was going to be an amateur logue, but Steve was able to meet payroll. > "Chip?" Gadget was sitting outside of Rescue Ranger Headquarters. CROW: On her hindquarters. > She >had just turned to face Chip, her husband of 15 unforgettable years of >marriage. TOM: [To Joel] Don't most people remember fifteen years of marriage? JOEL: No matter how hard they may try. > She and Chip were both about 40 years old. JOEL: Kinda old for vermin. > "Yes, Gadget?" CROW: [Chip] Shaddup and get me a beer. > Although they had aged, they were still the same as they >ever were. Not once had they ever changed, TOM: And boy, they were getting rank. > nor had they ever had a "bad day" >in their marriage. TOM: [dubious] Uh-huh. > > "Chip, do you ever wonder...what our lives would be like if...well..." TOM: [Gadget] Could you hold the cue card up higher? I can't quite make it out. > > "You know, Gadget, the thought had never crossed..." CROW: Wow! He's a telepath! > Chip was cut off by >the familiar voices of Geegaw and Jennifer, their two children, both about >fourteen years old. TOM: Wait. Chipmunks and mice have babies? JOEL: Cartoons are notoriously weak on the concept of 'species.' > > "Hi, Mom," Jennifer said to Gadget. CROW: Gee, I thought she was talking to Chip. > They both hugged each other and >preceded to talk to each other. JOEL: [Gadget] I TOLD YOU TO BE BACK BY TEN! CROW: [Jennifer] SHADDAP, YA OLD BAT! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! JOEL: [Gadget] You've been seeing that weasel again! CROW: [Jennifer] Well, who else is gonna date a half chipmunk freak!? > "Hey, Pop," Geegaw said to Chip. Chip walked over to his son and gave >him a handshake and a pat on the back. JOEL: How do you do both at once? > "So, how was school today?" CROW: [Geegaw] It was the pits, man. > "Fine, Dad," Jennifer replied. JOEL: Concealing, like children the world around, the ugly truth. > "Pop, can we ask you something?" Geegaw asked. CROW: [Geegaw] Are we the result of a genetic experiment, or did Mom use a surrogate? > "What?" Gadget and Chip replied simultaneously. They were ready to >answer any question from their children. TOM: Except the dark truth of the scandal that forced them into their loveless marriage.... > "Well, we were wondering..." JOEL: [Geegaw] How do Pop Tarts work? > "When did you two fall in love?" Jennifer had finished her brother's >question. "I mean, when did you know that you loved each other?" TOM: [Chip] We don't. Next question? > "That's a long, strange story, mates," said a familiar voice. JOEL: I have the awful feeling he's going to tell us. > Monterey >Jack stepped outside to join his friends. He had aged as well, TOM: But, strangely, not by as much. > and was now >over 50 years old, as was Zipper. JOEL: Really old vermin. > Dale, who was in town visiting the Rangers, CROW: To get an autographed puck. >had gone out that day to shop for Christmas presents with his wife, Foxglove, >and his daughter Magnolia, or Maggie for short. JOEL: And you know they call her "Maggot" at school. TOM: Now we have chipmunks and bats having babies. CROW: Any minute now, we're going to find out that Gadget's grandfather was a turtle. > "But we'll all be happy to tell it to you," Gadget stated. JOEL: [Gadget] Unless you clean your rooms. > "Let's go >inside, though; it's getting a bit cold out here." CROW: [Geegaw] If it's December, shouldn't we be hibernating? > -END Prologue- TOM: That tells the compiler the subroutine's over. >============================================================================ > >-Chapter I- > > "Hey Chip!" Gadget called from her workshop. She was twenty-four years >old, and had been living with the Rescue Rangers for about four years. JOEL: Actually, it just seemed like four years. > She >was still as beautiful as the day she first met Chip and Dale. TOM: Instead of being an aged, haggard, toothless wreck like most twenty- four year olds. > "Huh...oh, what is it, Gadget?" Chip had been reading another Sureluck >Jones novel; Gadget, however, was more than a worthy distraction. CROW: See? Julie Bihn's right. He just considers her a 'distraction.' > "Chip, I need your help in here. Could you..." TOM: And trailed off, losing her train of thought completely. > "Coming!" Chip had never passed up the opportunity to work with Gadget >alone. All it meant to her was help. All it meant to him was time with her. >Chip walked into the workshop to find Gadget fiddling with some walkie- >talkies and adjusting them a little bit. CROW: What? No ten pages describing bandwidth? JOEL: This isn't a Nowak story. Relax. > Gadget turned around to find the >leader of the Rangers standing behind her. TOM: [Gadget] Ambassador Delenn? Golly! > "Oh good, you're here," Gadget said. "We can get started now." JOEL: This isn't going to be a lemon, is it? > "What are you doing?" Chip inquired, puzzled. CROW: [Gadget] My, it's so hot in here.... > "I sent Monterey Jack and Dale out with two walkie-talkies that I >modified. Well, actually, I kind of just modified the antennas, but that >wouldn't count as the whole walkie-talkie, or..." TOM: I'm having trouble imagining this. Does she mean human-sized walkie- talkies or mouse-sized walkie-talkies? JOEL: Well, mouse-sized walkie-talkies would probably have to work in the microwave spectrum. CROW: And after a few years, they all mutate to the point they're interfertile! TOM: Ah! It all hangs together! > "Alright, Gadget, I get the point. What do you need me to do?" CROW: [Gadget] Get me an FCC license. > "Well, I need you to test Dale's reciever." CROW: [Gadget] I can't do it myself because of the radiation hazard. > She gave Chip a walkie- >talkie. "Just flip this one on and wait for Dale to speak." Chip didn't have >to wait long, for as soon as he turned it on, he heard Dale--loud and clear. > > "HEY, ANYBODY HOME?!?" Dale screamed. Chip fell flat on his back. Gadget >turned around and tried her best to keep from laughing out loud. TOM: Not that it was very funny. > "Hey, Dale, you didn't have to scream at me!" Chip had now gotten up >from off the floor and cooled his temper. JOEL: Yeah, Dale. It's not like you're testing a new communications... oh. > "Sorry, Chip. Hey, can Gadget hear me? TOM: [Dale] Can she feel me near her? > "I hear you just fine, Dale. Monty, can you hear me?" JOEL: [Monty] No, love, can't 'ear you at all. Ovah! > "Loud and clear, Gadget-love!" Monterey Jack remarked. "And ya know >what? JOEL: [Monty] I'm not wearin' any pants! > I'm halfway across town! How did you ever pull this one off?" CROW: [Gadget] With pliers, Monty. Over. > "It was simple, really," Gadget said. "I simply boosted the antenna's >range on each walkie-talkie about 50 times. TOM: But Monty knew *what* you did. He asked *how* you did it.... JOEL: Don't worry about it, Tommy. > I didn't even have to do much to >the circuitry to do it, either." CROW: [Gadget] Of course, we're using a restricted wavelength and blocking air traffic signals, but nobody should notice. > "Too-ra-loo, Gadget-love! You're a bloomin' genius!" Monty stated. TOM: Blooming in more ways than one. > "I'll say!" chimed in Dale. CROW: Even Dale agrees with Tom. > "Thanks, guys." Gadget was obvoiusly JOEL: Tom, you've got the spell checker. How many misspelled words is that so far? TOM: Just two. JOEL: Not bad. > flattered by the statement, for she >was blushing like mad. She quickly regained her senses and snapped back into >reality. TOM: How did she recognize it? > "Just stay where you are. We'll come and pick you up in the Ranger >Wing. We've got a tracking device for the walkie-talkies, so we'll pick you >both up shortly." TOM: [Monty] So we'll just sit 'ere, pumpin' out radiation they'll see in Aricebo.... >* * * > > "Golly, it sure is foggy today," Gadget commented as she piloted the >Ranger Wing above the city. "Y'know, maybe I shouldn't have sent them out >today." JOEL: [Chip] Better clean your goggles -- there's not a cloud in the sky. > "Don't worry, Gadget. Monty and Dale are fully capable of taking care of >themselves," Chip reassured, then thought to himself, 'Well, Monty, anyway.' TOM: Oh, right. The mouse who picks fights with cats and becomes uncontrollable when he's near cheese. > "Well actually, it's us I'm worried...aaaAAAHH!" Gadget had just seen >something through the fog--a building, with no way of avoiding it. JOEL: Serves her right for not flying above the tallest building in low visibility. > "Chip, >JUMP!" CROW: Unless they're wearing parachutes, it wouldn't make a difference. > The two Rangers jumped just as the Wing slammed ino the building. TOM: Miraculously, their inertia vanishes, which keeps them from hitting the building as well. JOEL: Ino? CROW: Composer. Brian Ino. JOEL: That's "Eno." CROW: Oh. Three. > Both >fell into the fog. JOEL: By John Carpenter. > Chip had managed to grab on to a bar on a fire escape. >But... TOM: Gadget fell on Ridley Scott. CROW: Too bad. > "Gadget?" Chip called. No answer. "Gadget!" Still no answer. He was >getting worried--real worried. "GADGET!!!" JOEL: Lots of exclamation points Do Not make it more exciting. > "Hold...on...Chip...I'm...coming..." CROW: Insert lewd comment here. JOEL: Joel yells, "CROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" TOM: What was that about lots of exclamation points? > Gadget struggled to get the words >out as she climbed up the side of the building. She met Chip halfway. "Come >on, let's get down to ground level." TOM: [Gadget] I really don't know why I climbed up to you.... > They both climbed down together, and >when they reached the ground, Chip touched down first, TOM: An impressive feat, what with Gadget having been below him, after all. > and Gadget leaped down >after him. She had misjudged, and Chip hurried to catch her. TOM: Tragically, he was distracted when he noticed a pebble that might be an agate. > Gadget sat in >Chip's arms for a second, then a strange, indescribable feeling came over >her--one like she had never felt before. JOEL: Nausea. > She then stood up on her own, and >pulled out her walkie-talkie. Luckily, it had not been damaged during the >leap. TOM: Showing that the strange feeling was not only indescribable, but unimportant as well. > > "Monty? Dale?" Chip called. > > "What's up, mates?" Monty answered back. TOM: Wait, didn't Gadget have the radio? JOEL: Monty must be close enough to hear without it. TOM: Ah. > "We had a s-l-i-g-h-t problem with the Ranger Wing. Sorry to say this, >but it looks like you'll both be walking home," Gadget said apoligetically. TOM: [Gadget] Serves you right for getting involved in my experiments. > "What?!?" Dale exclaimed. "Well...you have been telling me to get some >exercise, Gadget..." TOM: [Dale] I'll get you for this. > "Right, Dale," Gadget laughed. "We'll see you at home. Gadget out." She >turned off the wakie-talkie, then slipped it into her pocket. JOEL: Wakie-talkie? TOM: It's a portable alarm clock that sounds like Mom telling you it's time to catch the bus. > "Let's get going, Gadget. We've got a long walk ahead of us," Chip >stated. They agreed, JOEL: Wait. Did Chip just agree with himself? > and walked into the fog. As soon as they were out of >vision, a tall, grey mouse dressed in a black cloak appeared where they had >been standing. CROW: Oh, no. A gray mouse wearing black? TOM: You're thinking of a white mouse wearing black. Paranoid. > "Yes...Gadget...she's perfect...perfect for the tests..." The mouse then >disappeared from the darkness which spewed him out. TOM: I'm betting that was supposed to say "disappeared into the darkness." >* * * > > "Chip, I'm gonna go in this hardware store and check it out. Y'know, see >if they've got some parts I can use to repair the Wing?" JOEL: Repair? After hitting the side of a building and falling to the earth? CROW: Super glue. Gallons of it. > Gadget always took a >so-called 'accident' as an excuse to look in a hardware store. TOM: [doubtfully] So... she deliberately crashed into the building? > "Sure, Gadget, but be careful, okay?" TOM: [Xena] Joxer, don't do anything stupid. JOEL: [Dilbert] Dogbert, try to stay within the law. CROW: [Hillary] Bill, keep your pants zipped. > Chip was always uneasy about >leaving her alone, especially when he remembered what had happened with >Nimnul and his Molecular Rearranger Device about a year ago. TOM: Chip really is the level headed, practical one, isn't he? > "Don't worry, Chip," Gadget said in a reassuring voice. "I've got my >walkie-talkie, remember? JOEL: Did you guys know the walkie-talkie was invented by a Canadian? TOM: No, I didn't. How did you know? JOEL: Exhibit in the Royal Museum of Electronic Warfare in Kingston, Ontario. CROW: So... that's what you did for fun on Earth? TOM: And you miss it? > If I run into trouble, I'll either call you or flick >the tracking device on." TOM: [Gadget] And then you can walk out to rescue... gee, it would take a while, wouldn't it? > "Well...alright. But don't be too late," Chip ordered. JOEL: [Chip] Or it's curfew time, little missy. > "Okay. See you later," Gadget called as the two Rangers parted ways. TOM: In a manner not unlike Oedipus, Chip is fated to follow the path to disaster despite his misgivings. >Gadget managed to enter the store by using a mouse hole she found in the >back. She spent about twenty minutes avoiding humans and scrounging for parts >she could use to repair the broken Wing. Suddenly, she looked down and saw a >shadow covering hers up. TOM: What did I tell you? CROW: Oooo, how *perceptive!* > "Hello, Gadget, dear..." a voice called from behind. Gadget turned >around. There was no one there. She was now a little bit scared. JOEL: At least this time, the voices in her head weren't telling her to save France. > "Don't worry..." Gadget turned back around to see a tall, grey mouse >wearing a black cloak and a scar on the right side of his face. CROW: Wearing a scar? JOEL: It's detachable. He only puts it on for formal kidnappings. > "I won't hurt >you...yet..." ALL: Mwhahahahahah!! > This worried Gadget. TOM: Smart girl. > She reached in her pocket and flipped the >walkie-talkie on. TOM: [Walkie-talkie] Hey – same to you, girl. > "Who are you? What do you want with...mmph!?!" Gadget was grabbed by a >mouse from behind, who covered her mouth. CROW: How? Her mouth is wider than her own waistline! > She felt something sticking in her >right arm, and looked down to see a syringe injecting her. JOEL: Hoping the needle was clean... > She suddenly felt >very drowsy. The mouse removed his hand from her mouth. TOM: [Gadget] Wow... I see Walt Disney.... > 'Help...me...' Gadget though as she fell unconscious. The first mouse >Gadget saw took her in his arms. CROW: And performed with her unconscious body a macabre dance. > "Good work, Don," the mouse commented. JOEL: [Mouse] This raises your performance appraisal to 'competent.' > "Are you sure we should be doing this, Leviathan?" the mouse named Don >asked, nervously. JOEL: [Leviathan] You mean what we're doing tonight? > "Of course not. That's what makes it more exciting, doesn't it?" >Leviathan said, chuckling. Don nervously agreed, TOM: This Don can't handle peer pressure, can he? > then both mice moved with >Gadget into a dark area between two shelves. Shortly thereafter, a thoroughly >smashed walkie-talkie was thrown from the same area. TOM: [Walkie-talkie] Hic.... > -END Chapter I- CROW: I'd call that one of the more disturbing and ambiguous chapter endings I've seen. JOEL: I'd say you have a nasty and dirty mind, and that this sort of thing happens all the time in adventure fiction. TOM: Joel's right, Crow. > >============================================================================ > > -Chapter II- > > Chip, Dale, and Monterey Jack were all at Ranger HQ, JOEL: I just realized Zipper hasn't been mentioned since the prologue. TOM: Who? > and all of them >were waiting for Gadget. JOEL: They passed the time by talking about hanging themselves. > It had been at least 7 hours since Gadget and Chip >parted ways, and it was well into the evening. Chip was pacing around, JOEL: Knowing they were in deep doo-doo. > Dale >was reading a comic, and Monty was sitting at a table, preparing cheese >sandwiches for everyone. Zipper was out looking for a good meal for himself, >since he never liked Monty's cooking anyway. TOM: Y'know, when a fly won't eat your food.... > > "I don't like this, guys. She's never been gone a whole day before," >Chip commented, concerned for Gadget's safety. "She's worked a whole day >before, but never been gone that long..." JOEL: Guys? TOM: Well, she has been gone that long before, but only when she was getting in serious trouble. > "Aw, don't fret, Chipper, me lad," remarked Monty, who was preparing to >eat a spare slice of cheese. "Besides, you said she had 'er walkie-talkie." CROW: Monty's got some rose-colored lenses in those goggles. > "Hey, that's right!" Chip perked up. "C'mon, Dale!" > > "What for?" Dale asked, looking up from his comic book. > > "We're gonna go call Gadget," Chip replied. JOEL: And he needs Dale's help because...? > As he was walking to her >workshop, however, he heard a faint knock at the door. CROW: The workshop has a door? > "Maybe that's her >now!" Chip ran up to the door and opened it. CROW: I guess so. > He gasped at the sight before >his eyes. TOM: [Jehovah's witness] Hello! Have you ever considered your personal relationship with Walt Disney? > "Ch...Chip..." Gadget then fell unconscious into Chip's arms. TOM: Gadget's getting caught a lot, isn't she? JOEL: I count three times so far. CROW: You rather they'd miss? TOM: For variety? Sure! JOEL: "Suck pavement, Gadget!" TOM: Splat! JOEL: "Meet the linoleum, Gadget!" TOM: Whump! > The other >Rangers quickly ran to the door, and then saw what Chip had seen. > > "Gadget..." Monty, nor any of the Rangers, had never wanted to see >Gadget like this. "What happened to ya, Gadget-love?" TOM: [Gadget] I (hic)... met thish sailor inna bar, an' (hic).... > The Rangers laid her on the couch and looked over her from head to toe. CROW: Then, from toe to head. Then, diagonally, from toe to opposite ear -- >She was bruised, had a black eye, JOEL: And they could see this through fur. > and was bleeding from various scratches all >over her body. Her coveralls were ripped and singed in various places, as >well. JOEL: Uhm. CROW: Joel, I feel funny. > "We've got to get her to a hospital! NOW!!" Chip ordered. The other >Rangers, for once, made no replies or remarks whatsoever. They only ran to >the Ranger Plane and got it ready to go. Chip carried Miss Hackwrench TOM: Kinda formal, all of a sudden. > out to >the Plane, then laid her in it. JOEL: Let's let this one pass without comment. > Monterey flew the Plane to the hospital and >Dale rode beside him, while Chip looked over their precious inventor in the >back. Chip had laid Gadget's head in his lap, and was now comforting her. TOM: How much comforting do you need when you're unconscious? > "Don't worry, my love," Chip whispered to Gadget as he rubbed her face >gently. "We'll get whoever did this to you. I promise you." Chip lightly >kissed her forehead, then continued to watch over her. TOM: Missing the hawk that swooped in from behind. >* * * > > "...Gadget...Gadget...hey, are you awake?" TOM: [Gadget] No. > Gadget slowly opened her >eyes, then looked over to the side to see Dale staring at her. "Hey, guys, >she's awake!" CROW: [Dale] She said she wasn't, but I think she fibbed. > The other Rangers quickly ran into the hospital room to greet their >fallen member. TOM: So they were in the hall killing time? > They were surprised to hear from the doctor that morning that, >despite her looks at the moment, she would live, and she had no broken bones, >either. JOEL: [Dale] Let's break some. > "How ya feelin', Gadget-love?" Monterey asked softly. CROW: [Gadget] Until I saw you, fine. > "Well," Gadget began. "Considering what I went through, I feel like a >million dollars." She laughed a little bit. The other Rangers, confused, >managed weak smiles. JOEL: More than I can. > "Gadget, what exactly happened to you? Who, or what, did this to you?" >Chip asked. CROW: [Gadget] Did what to me? Oh, the beating.... > He knew he wasn't the only one who wanted a little revenge. TOM: [Khan] A dish best served cold! > "Th...that's a long story, Chip," Gadget said nervously, as if to cover >up some dark, terrible secret. CROW: What, she enjoyed it? TOM: Ix-nay! > "Would you mind if I told you later? I'd kinda >like to get a little rest." TOM: [Chip] But you just woke up! > "Sure, Gadget." Chip had heard the tremble of fear in her voice, >although the other Rangers hadn't. "C'mon, guys, let's let her get some >sleep." The others reluctantly followed Chip. "Gadget, we'll come back >tomorrow, okay?" > > "Sure...okay..." Gadget quickly answered. Again, Chip noticed a slight >tremble in her voice. CROW: Better turn up the bass. > 'Why would Gadget be acting like this?' he thought. 'What could she have >to hide from us?' JOEL: It better not be what I think. > He logged his thoughts into memory and left the room. Dale >followed closely, but Monterey stood with Zipper at the door and watched >Gadget fall slowly back to sleep. > > "Hey, mates, I'll catch up with ya later," Monterey called to the two >chipmunks. TOM: Thereby waking Gadget up... > "I've got somethin' I need ta do." JOEL: [Chip] Monty, you said you took care of that before we left. > "Sure, Monty." Neither Chip nor Dale paid much attention to him. CROW: This is new? > They >were busy thinking about Gadget. Monterey left the hospital, then walked to a >tree in a nearby park to visit an old friend. > > "Geegaw, old mate," Monterey started as he kneeled before the familiar >grave which sat before him. TOM: Only to find there were other rodents in line, waiting to have their dramatic scene at Gadget's father's grave. JOEL: [Geegaw Hackwrench] Hey, Monty -- no cutting. TOM: [Monty] What're you doin' here, mate? JOEL: [Geegaw Hackwrench] Filming a scene from 'Fly to the Light.' C'mon, hurry up! CROW: [Widget Hackwrench] Don't rush me, pops. > "I promise that we WILL find the guy who did that >to yer little girl, and I WILL give him one solid punch for you. I swear me >life on it." JOEL: [Popeye] Well, blow me down! > Monterey sat there for a second, remembering the last time he >saw Geegaw and Gadget together as father and child. CROW: Before they became husband and wife. > "She's so innocent..so >sweet...who would do that to 'er...and why?" JOEL: Round up the usual suspects. > He stood up, saluted Geegaw's >grave, then started for home. However, Zipper noticed something strange-- >Monterey Jack passed three cheese stores on the walk home. He didn't have >even one cheese attack. CROW: Wait, did Zipper leave with him? >* * * > > "Where am I?" Gadget asked. She was in a room--at least she thought it >was a room--with no walls, no doors, JOEL: That would not be a room then. TOM: You know what would be cool? Doors without walls. CROW: Sounds like the title of a Yanni album. > no light. Just darkness. She could only >see one thing--herself. CROW: I guess she's started to glow. > "Chip? Dale? Monty? Zipper? Anyone?" she called, to be >answered by no one, not even an echo. TOM: If there are no walls, you wouldn't get an echo. > "Gadget..." a voice echoed. Gadget heard the voice, and turned around in >all directions, trying to figure out where it came from. "Come closer..." the >voice called. A column of light shone down from above. Gadget ran into the >light, CROW: [Gadget] Time for my first song already? TOM: [sings] When you're locked up in a room / and awaiting certain doom.... > looked around, then looked down. She fell into a room with metal walls >and a metal floor. She stood up, then looked up to see a metal plate cover >the top of the room. JOEL: Okay, this would be a room. > "Oh, no...not again..." Gadget fell to her knees, buried her head in her >hands, and started to cry. "Leave me alone..." she said, in a timid, fearful >voice. She looked up, fear in her eyes. "Leave...me...alone..." she cried. CROW: Yeah, right, like begging for mercy ever works. > "I wouldn't dream of it," a voice said. Gadget looked straight ahead. >Her eyes grew bigger- TOM: Is that possible? > and she grew more afraid. Leviathan appeared and >started to walk towards her. He stopped in front of her and grabbed her arms. >Gadget struggled to break free, but to no avail. > > "No...no ALL: [singing] No, no, I don't smoke it no mo' -- > NOOOOO!" Gadget screamed as she sat up in her bed at the hospital. She >found out that it was midnight as she looked at a nearby clock. Cold sweat >was running down her face. "A..a dream...only a dream..." Gadget ran her >fingers through her long, blond hair. "How can I tell them what happened? TOM: Do it in an interpretive dance. >What'll they think? CROW: That you're a bad person, because it doesn't happen to nice girls. > What'll they do?" JOEL: I'm guessing they'll cast you out for all time. TOM: That's right, Gadget -- just swallow the pain and make it go away. > The inventor mouse pondered her >questions as she slowly laid back down, and reluctantly went back to sleep. > > -END Chapter II- CROW: Joel, I need a shower. JOEL: Me too. >============================================================================ > > -Chapter III- > > Gadget awoke late next morning to find the other Rescue Rangers pacing >around her hospital room. She slowly sat up as they noticed she had awoke. TOM: Do you suppose they have Zipper suction off any decaying matter trapped on his sticky hairlike bristles before they let him into the hospital? > "Did ya sleep well, Gadget?" Dale asked. > > "Oh, fine," Gadget yawned. "How are you guys?" > > "We're fine, Gadget-love," TOM: [Monty] Why shouldn't we be? > Monterey remarked. Zipper smiled at Gadget, >indicating that he was in a good mood. CROW: After all, it's not like a dear friend's in the hospital after being horribly abused.... > "Uh, Gadget," Chip began. "Now, what exactly happened to you yesterday >between the time you went into that hardware store and when you came back to >HQ?" He was ready to hear this story as much as the others. TOM: They had all rescheduled their appointments, and Dale had programmed the VCR to catch "Voyager." > "Well..." Gadget hesitated. She looked at her friends' faces. She knew >that, sooner or later, one way or another, she would have to tell them the >truth. JOEL: No, no, no! With lies and evasions, you can keep your friendships strong! > She sighed sadly. "Okay. I'll tell you everything I can remember." The >other Rangers pulled up some nearby chairs as Gadget began her story. Zipper >sat on Monty's shoulder. TOM: He was disappointed, because he had heard it before. > "Well, after I went in the hardware store, I had >spent a few minutes looking for parts when this tall mouse distracted me >while someone else--I don't know if it was a mouse--grabbed me from behind >and injected me with some sort of tranquilizer. I fell asleep almost >instantly. When I came to, however..." CROW: Came to what? >* * * > > "Who...what...where am I?" CROW: Gadget... mouse... fanfic. TOM: So get ready to suffer. > Gadget still felt a little drowsy due to the >tranquilizer, but she could tell from the cold temperature in the room that >she was not in the hardware store anymore. JOEL: Gadget knows hardware stores never get cold. > She felt around, for her sight was >still a little blurry. ALL: Focus! > She found out that she was in a small room with metal >walls--and nothing else. TOM: Not even a floor. CROW: [Gadget] Aaaaaaaaaa! (splat) > Suddenly, Gadget heard a door behind her. TOM: [Door] Hi. Can you direct me to the _Beauty and the Beast_ set? > She turned >and saw a short, small blur, and a very tall blur. Then her eyesight started >to return to normal. THE BOTS: [Blurs] We'd like to talk to you about your personal-- JOEL: Did that. > "Well, well, you're awake. It's about time," remarked Leviathan, who was >wearing a pair of gloves now. "Allow me to introduce ourselves. My name is >Leviathan, and this is my associate, Don." Don nervously bowed towards >Gadget. CROW: [Gadget] Since 'Leviathan' means very big and is a sea monster in the Bible, I can't help but notice how completely inappropriate your name is. JOEL: Does Don always bow to people he's drugged? > "You..." Gadget could see as clear as ever now. "You kidnapped me!" >Angry, she rushed Leviathan. TOM: A simple plan, but I like it. > "Oh, come now," Leviathan yawned. He grabbed Gadget's arm, then flipped >her over his shoulder into the next room. "Never try to fight me, my dear. I >know more fighting styles than you could ever hope to think of." CROW: [Gadget] Golly, what a day to forget my Mary Sue repellent! > "Okay..." Gadget sputtered out--half dazed, thanks to the throw. She >slowly stood up with a small pain in her back, then regained her composure. >"Now, why did you kidnap me? For my brains? CROW: [Crawford Tillengast] Eat ... brains...! TOM: [Thrakozog] Yes yes, there will be plenty of time for brain-eating later... > For my looks? JOEL: Does Gadget know she's hot? TOM: Not until now, no. > For a ransom?" CROW: [Gadget] For score and seven years.... > "None of the above," Leviathan said. TOM: [Leviathan] I'm going on a furry Muck and auctioning you off to-- > Gadget had noticed that he was very >cold and hardly showed any emotion in his actions and speech. JOEL: Maybe he's just a really bad actor. TOM: Most martial artists are. > "I abducted you >to be the first subject in my experiments. TOM: [Leviathan] I'm going to put you in a space station and send you bad movies-- > I'm going to see how strong the >Rescue Rangers really are." JOEL: By tormenting one of them when she's helpless? > He walked through another door, which was locked >by a control panel on the wall. "Don, make sure our guest can't escape." The >door closed. TOM: Wait, the panel that locks the doors is inside the cell? JOEL: Not one of the tougher prisons, I guess. > "I'm...sorry..." Don closed the door to Gadget's cell and locked it. "I >didn't want to do this..." Gadget wondered what he was talking about. CROW: Gee, Gadget's a little slow on the uptake. > "Don!" Gadget and Don looked up to see Leviathan in a control room of >sorts, protected by glass. He was speaking through a loudspeaker. "Get up >here--NOW!!" TOM: [Leviathan] I need you! > "I'm...truly sorry..." Don retreated to the door Leviathan had exited >through, then exited the room himself, TOM: This is an "exiting" scene, isn't it? > leaving Gadget to stand alone, >awaiting her fate. She didn't have to wait long. CROW: [Gadget] Oh, hi fate. Sorry I can't offer you any coffee, but-- >* * * > > "Now, my dear, we can begin the first of my experiments," Leviathan >spoke. TOM: [Leviathan] Which cola tastes more bubbly? > "I feel so priveleged..." Gadget began to remark sarcastically. > > "At least you'll live--be thankful for that," Leviathan retorted >quickly. The second Gadget heard that, her spirit sank deeper than ever >before. She knew something was going to happen to her, and it was going to >hurt. JOEL: She's starting to catch on! > "Are you ready?" All the captive could do was nod her head. TOM: Gadget has done some stupid things, hasn't she? > A moment >after she did, she heard something behind her. > > "What the..." Gadget turned around. She was met with a slap to the face >that sent her flying clear across the room. The female mouse looked up to see >three metallic mice heading straight for her. JOEL: I saw this in _THX-1138._ CROW: No, it was the novelization by Ben Bova. TOM: Boy, talk about anti-robot stereotypes.... > "Robots after my own design. I had some...help...building them, but >they're all mine now," Leviathan stated. Gadget wasn't paying attention to >him. TOM: [hopefully] She was disassembling the robots with a paper clip and turning them into a Leviathan crushing machine? > She was too busy absorbing the blows of the robots. TOM: ...Oh. > After taking about >fifteen of them, Don moved toward Leviathan. JOEL: After Don took fifteen what? > "Leviathan, you've got to stop them! They'll kill her!" He reached for >the control panel. A roundhouse kick from the grey mouse convinced him >otherwise. CROW: [Don] Oh... I see... thanks for explaining... (vomit noises) > > "As you wish, Don," Leviathan sighed. CROW: [Don] Then what exactly was the point of the kick? > He pulled a lever on the control >panel, and almost immediately, the robots shut down. Gadget--who had been >held by one robot and punched by the other two--slumped to the floor, beaten >and weak. TOM: I'm starting to long for the light-hearted fun of "Red Zone Cuba." CROW: I'm starting to long for the light-hearted fun of "Under the Bridge." JOEL: It hasn't gone that far yet. > "Take her to her cell. We begin the next experiment in one hour." >Leviathan then walked out of the room. Don ran down to Gadget, lifted her up, >and examined her. She was barely conscious, bruised all over, and her nose >was bleeding. Gently Don put Gadget's arm over his shoulder and carried her >back to her cell. CROW: I'm guessing "Good cop - bad cop." You guys? TOM: It hurts too much to think, Crow. JOEL: I'm with Tom on this one. > "Forgive me, Miss Gadget," Don pleaded as he laid Gadget down in her >cell. He cleaned her face of the blood, then stopped her nose from bleeding >any more. "Please forgive me..." CROW: [Gadget] Say, Don, why don't noodly sidekicks get cool names? > Don turned to leave, looked over his >shoulder, then left, closing and locking the door behind him. > > 'I...forgive you...Don...' Gadget thought. She then fell unconscious. CROW: [Gadget] For you know not what you do. >* * * > > Gadget awoke to find that she had been strapped to a medevial-type rack >machine of some sort. TOM: I had a dream like that once. It was great. > She looked directly in front of her--and found >Leviathan and Don standing there. Don looked worried, and Leviathan looked as >he had before--black cloak, gloves, and no emotion on his face. CROW: He really should go to an acting coach. > "Well, well, you're awake. It's about time. You didn't throw us off >schedule that much, but I'll have to go quicker now," Leviathan muttered to >Gadget. TOM: [Leviathan] The Little Mermaid is almost on. > He looked at his hand. Gadget looked at it and saw that it was empty. >Then Leviathan flicked his arm, and a long black staff dropped out of the >right sleeve of his cloak. "Now we begin the next test." TOM: [Leviathan] Multiple choice. Does this A) hurt, B) hurt, or C) hurt? JOEL: That could almost have been a line in the story. TOM: Sorry. > He pressed a button >on the end of the staff, and the other end started to spark. CROW: Don't you need to be close to something grounded before you get an arc? > Leviathan then >held the staff towards Gadget. TOM: [Leviathan] Now stick out your tongue.... > "I can't watch..." JOEL: [explodes] AND WE CAN!? > Don simply covered his eyes. He could still hear >Gadget's screams of pain as she was shocked with electricity over and over by >Leviathan. 'Why did Leviathan decide to do this?' Don thought to himself. CROW: A little late to start wondering about that. >After about two minutes, Gadget's cries for help and screams of pain stopped. >Don uncovered his eyes to find Leviathan leaving the room, staff in tow. TOM: He probably needs a recharge. > "Hmph...Most of the mice I've used this on last at least three and a >half minutes--four tops. Don, the quickness of this test has given us at >least fifteen extra minutes to our schedule. CROW: Uhm, how can her blacking out two minutes early add fifteen minutes to the schedule? > In an hour and a quarter, we >resume testing. Return her to her cell." Leviathan exited the room. Don >looked over at Gadget. She was very weak, and her coveralls were singed and >ripped in various places all over her body. JOEL: I'll take "Scenes We Hope Never Inspire Fan Art" for $200, Alex. CROW: [mutters] Speak for yourself. > Quietly, Don unhooked Gadget from >the "rack," carried her to her cell, laid her limp body down, then left her >alone. TOM: Don't check to see if her heart's still beating or anything, Don. > 'This is insane...I've got to stop Leviathan before he kills her!' Don >thought. CROW: That's a good plan. > 'Why is he doing this, anyway?' He quickly moved the "rack" into >another room, then exited the testing area the same way Leviathan had. > > -END Chapter III- > > >============================================================================ > > -Chapter IV- > > "...but Leviathan, you know you can't keep doing this to her! Gadget's a >female, and you know that their bodies are physically weaker than males!" TOM: Actually, Army tests have shown - JOEL: I don't want to hear it. >Gadget awoke to overhear Leviathan and Don arguing outside of her cell. She >had never heard Don speak like this, CROW: In the nearly ten minutes she's been in a room with him and conscious. > and intently listened. "I won't let you >hurt her anymore!" > > "Don, shut up." CROW: [Don] Oh. Thank you for sharing. > Leviathan's command froze Don, as well as Gadget. "We >agreed to do this for the benefit of our employers." Gadget wondered who his >"employers" were. "We will be paid handsomely as a reward for doing this. >Now, any questions?" > > "Yes. Why start getting paid now?" Don asked. "We were never paid >before, and look at us. CROW: [Don] You mean we're mercenaries? > And why all of a sudden do you decide to kidnap a >Rescue Ranger and torture her? They're on our side, remember?" Now Gadget was >beginning to wonder about her captors. JOEL: Because up to now, she's been thinking about painting the bathroom? > She thought about what Don and >Leviathan had said. TOM: Then she thought about grease, butterfly valves, and earwax. Why? Who knows! > > 'Who would want the Rangers destroyed so badly that they would hire >this...this madman to do his dirty work?' Gadget thought, JOEL: Doesn't "destroyed badly" mean left intact? > scared of what >Leviathan might do to her next. 'And what was that about them being on our >side?' TOM: Just a red herring. > "Don, our guest needs to eat. Wake her up and give her her food." TOM: [Leviathan] And a sleeping pill. > Gadget >heard Leviathan walk out of the room. She quickly retreated to the back of >the cell as Don entered. He noticed that she was awake, but thought nothing >of it. > > "Um, Miss Gadget, you need to eat. I've brought you something to eat," >Don stated quietly. He set down a plate with peanut butter and jelly >sandwiches and a glass of water. Gadget slowly walked up to Don, still weak >and in pain. CROW: [Gadget] Ew, chunky. > "Don, I heard you talking outside. Who is your employer?" Gadget asked, >immediately sorry that she had. JOEL: Because.... > "I--I don't know...excuse me, I've got to go," Don quickly answered. He >then ran out of the room as fast as he could and closed the door. Gadget >simply returned to the back of her cell, examined the sandwiches and water, >then decided that Leviathan wasn't going to poison her. CROW: Since that would be mean. > She ate the >sandwiches, washed them down with the water, then awaited her fate silently. >While waiting, however, she fell back to sleep. TOM: She's spent most of this fanfic unconscious. JOEL: It's better that way. CROW: I wish we could. >* * * > > When Gadget awoke, she was again attached to the "rack." She did not see >Don anywhere, nor did she see Leviathan. She wondered where her captors were, >then saw Leviathan and Don enter the room simultaneously. TOM: I don't suppose the phrase "feign unconsciousness" rings a bell? > "Good, she's ready. Don, leave the room." Leviathan had never had Don >leave during a test before, and Gadget wondered what was happening. Don left >the room, and Leviathan turned to Gadget. JOEL: He's a metamorph! > "Wha...what are you gonna do to me now?" Gadget asked, very nervous and >frightened. TOM: [Leviathan] How many lights do you see? > "I'm simply going to finish the tests now. Are you ready?" Gadget simply >nodded CROW: That's twice she's done that! > and waited. Leviathan walked to the back of the machine, then turned a >wheel. Gadget felt a slight stretching in her arms and legs. "The good old >fashioned rack." TOM: [Leviathan] The start of chiropractic. > "Ohno." Gadget realized what he meant, and every time he turned the >wheel, her limbs stretched out further and further. After ten turns, she JOEL: Agreed there were four lights. >screamed in pain. Leviathan turned the wheel five more times, each time >prompting a scream of pain and terror higher in pitch than the previous one >from the inventor. After the fifth turn, he turned the wheel back the other >way, thus returning Gadget's limbs to their normal position. 'Thank goodness >it's over,' Gadget thought. Unfortunately, when she opened her eyes and >looked up, she saw Leviathan standing there, motionless. 'What now?' TOM: [Leviathan] I've got this cage with two rats in it, but you're too small.... > > "I've noticed something about you, Gadget," he started. "You are a very >beautiful woman." Gadget would have been flattered- JOEL: I find that a little hard to believe. > if Leviathan had not >drawn closer to Gadget, then gave her a very passionate kiss. TOM: ...Oh. [Head explodes.] JOEL: I wish I could do that. > She tried to >stop him, but couldn't. Then he moved away. "I'll let you rest, then in an >hour, I'll let you go." Leviathan left the room as Gadget passed out from >pain and the exhaustion of trying to resist it. [Joel has replaced Tom's head. Tom shakes head a few times.] TOM: [sarcastic] Gee. Thanks. >* * * > > "Wh where am I?" Gadget awoke, weak and hurt. She was in an alley in >a part of town she did not recognize. TOM: Since she was now in Toronto.... > She stood up, tried to walk, and fell >flat on her face. She looked up to see a male mouse standing at her head. CROW: Gee, this really isn't her lucky day. > "Miss? Do you need some help?" he asked. Gadget reached out her paw, and >the mouse lifted her on his shoulder. "Where do you need to go?" [Everyone sighs in relief.] > "As close to the park as you can," she replied, weak from the torture >she had just underwent. CROW: [Gadget] Leviathan kisses like an octopus. Yuck. > The kind mouse helped her walk to the park, stopping >every once in a while to rest and eat a little bite of food. TOM: Which she promptly vomited. After a beating like that -- > Gadget made a >mental note to find this mouse later and thank him for his help. JOEL: She can't just say "Thank you" now? > Eventually, >the two travelers made it to the park. > > "Here we are, miss...um, what's your name?" the mouse inquired. > > "Gadget," the inventor replied as she stood up on her own. "Thank you >for everything, sir." > > "No problem," the mouse said as he walked away, back into the city. TOM: And it doesn't occur to either one he should probably testify? CROW: [Mouse] Man, that's the nineteenth female mouse I've found today that's been beaten all over. Oh well. Almost time for Rush Limbaugh. >Gadget slowly started to walk to the tree which held Ranger HQ, remembering >Leviathan and Don, and what Leviathan had done to her. JOEL: C'mon - suck it up and rise above it, whiner. > She slowly climbed up >the tree, tired after her long ordeal. She weakly knocked on the door. > > "Maybe that's her now!" Gadget heard Chip say behind the door to Ranger >HQ. He opened it and had a look of horror on his face. TOM: [Chip] Your hair... it's... uncombed! > "Ch...Chip..." Gadget then fell unconscious. > > -END Chapter IV- TOM: Time to go, guys. CROW: A hot shower, Joel. [ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G] [SoL] [J&TB stand around, looking annoyed.] CROW: And they turn the hot water off. A fanfic like this, and they - JOEL: Well, look on the bright side. We can use this time more productively. TOM: Ooh, thrills. JOEL: No, really. Like, we know that "Leviathan" is just about the dumbest name possible for a land-bound mouse, so... TOM: Oh, I see! We can think of better names for him! [Crow rolls eyes in disgust.] JOEL: Right. Now first, we need to come up with a list of distinguishing characteristics. TOM: Well, he's tiny, and laughably arrogant. CROW: Harlan Ellison! JOEL: Good! TOM: Norman Mailer! JOEL: That's also good! CROW: You know, I didn't think I'd like this, but it's kinda fun. JOEL: And he's sadistic -- [Gypsy pops up.] GYPSY: Collision alarm! Rocket #9 on hexfield! [Lights and sirens begin to hoot.] JOEL: Yikes! [CUT TO: the usual bad effect of an incredibly tiny spacecraft docking with the SoL.] JOEL: [V.O.] Looks like we've got boarders. TOM: [V.O.] Now who can that be? [CUT TO: Bridge.] LEVIATHAN: It is I. [J&TB look around unable to find him. Crow points at a spot on the floor, behind the puppet table.] CROW: Wait, there he is. Down there. [Everyone looks down at the floor. Leviathan cannot be seen from Cambot's angle.] JOEL: Oh, hi there, little guy. LEVIATHAN: I have come to find out how strong you are. TOM: What are you going to do, punch Joel in the ankle? [Everyone giggles.] LEVIATHAN: [angry] Do not mock me, robotic one, for I am a master of more martial arts than you can spell. CROW: Drunken mousie style kung fu? TOM: Kat-rate? CROW: Squeak-jitsu? TOM: You know, it's just beginning to dawn on me how stupid this is.... JOEL: Guys, guys, there's no need to be rude- LEVIATHAN: [enraged] THAT'S IT! YOU DIE, JOEL! [Sound effect of a small tap. Total silence and lack of response on Joel's part. Then he breaks into a grin and the bots start to laugh.] JOEL: Look, I'm sorry, but you just weigh a couple of ounces - [Sound effect of several blows with "Kiyah!" noises being made as Joel starts to look annoyed and the bots laugh hysterically.] Look, you're kinda starting to get on my nerves. LEVIATHAN: This cannot be! The author is on my side! JOEL: Double check the byline. [Pause.] LEVIATHAN: Uh-oh... JOEL: Uh-oh is right. [He stomps, violently. The Bots react with horror.] TOM: So, his perfect name is now Pancake? CROW: Joel, how does it feel to be a murderer? JOEL: Well, Crow, I really believe that all the creatures of the universe are as one and that to harm any is to diminish them all. But... it feels good. Yeah, it feels good. [Bots mill about nervously. Commercial Sign flashes.] TOM: We've, uh, got commercial sign, sir. If that's okay with you. [Wordlessly, Joel swats the flasher.]